Episode 28: 4 Harmful Communication Styles of the Unfaithful
Release Date: 10/11/2024
Episode 43: What People-Pleasing Does to the Betrayed Partner
Ask the Unfaithful
People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation. In marriages or relationships, this can mean: o Constantly putting family, friends, or co-workers first. o Leaving the primary partner, aka the betrayed partner, feeling like an afterthought. Post infidelity, people pleasing is not only difficult but toxic for the entire recovery process. It often times feels like yet another betrayal to the betrayed partner. When an unfaithful partner prioritizes pleasing others outside...
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Episode 42: How Excessive Self-Protection by the Unfaithful is Toxic After Infidelity is Discovered
Ask the Unfaithful
"Imagine building a fortress so strong that not even you can leave it." In our quest as unfaithful to protect ourselves from pain, rejection, or failure, we sometimes build walls so high that they don't just keep harm out—they keep life out, AND our betrayed partners. While self-protection is a natural and often necessary response to past hurt, excessive self-protection can quietly sabotage connection, growth, and authenticity. It can also further complicate the healing process a couple must go through to save their relationship or themselves. While some self protection is...
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Episode 41: Why Do the Unfaithful Take Things Personally?
Ask the Unfaithful
Why do we unfaithful take things so personally? It can feel like every ounce of feedback we receive is taken with an underlying belief that something is wrong with us, or you the betrayed are unhappy with us, or we consider ourselves worthless. Additionally, we unfaithful are masters at making every conversation about us, our feelings, our disagreeing with your concerns or our need for validation. But sadly, we were the ones who went outside the marriage and if anyone has a right to take things personally, it's the betrayed. Today, we explore a variety of both intriguing but also complex...
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Episode 40: What is Toxic Negativity & What Can Be Done About It?
Ask the Unfaithful
Toxic negativity refers to a mindset or behavior where a person consistently focuses on the negative aspects of situations, people, spouses or life in general, often dismissing or disregarding any positive experiences or perspectives. It manifests as constant complaining, pessimism, and an inability or refusal to see the good in anything, including ourselves. This type of negativity can also include being excessively critical, judgmental, or even emotionally draining for those around the person displaying it, especially in the relationship attempting to heal from infidelity or addiction. Toxic...
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Episode 39: How Not Keeping Promises Undermines Recovery
Ask the Unfaithful
In the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful will constantly refute the betrayed's concerns with responses like 'are you kidding me? it was just the lawns....or the trash cans....or a small bill....or one therapy session or one homework assignment from James or Sam!" We just have such a hard time as unfaithful, making the connection between broken promises and sirens going off in the heart and mind of the betrayed. "Well, if you can't commit to something as small and easy as the...
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Episode 38: 6 Essentials to Maintaining Momentum in Relational Recovery
Ask the Unfaithful
Today on the podcast, we discuss and define relational recovery while also addressing how to stay motivated as an unfaithful and how can you keep the momentum going for both the short term and long term. The fact is, it takes grit and perseverance to do relational recovery work. From moodiness to frustration, to confusion and despair, relational recovery is not for the faint of heart. You may be asking, "Does an unfaithful actually need a reminder on why to stay motivated? Don't they know what's at stake?" Yes, unfaithful need both reminders and guideposts on what they are actually working...
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Episode 37: Why Is the Unfaithful So Hot and Cold? Understanding the Push-Pull Dynamic
Ask the Unfaithful
Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful seem so hot and cold? One minute they're pursuing the betrayed, showing signs they are 'all in.' The next minute, they seem aloof and selfish, if not downright resistant and cantankerous that anyone would ask anything of them. It's as if they protest and complain about having to do any work at all, only to appear to possibly 'get it' the next day, week or month. Traci Pedersen calls this activity “A repetitive/cyclic push-pull dynamic in a relationship that is characterized by alternating patterns of drawing a partner close (pulling), leading to...
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Episode 36: How to Know If the Unfaithful Is Still Using the Betrayed
Ask the Unfaithful
How do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partners actually use their partners or spouses to feel good about themselves? Sadly, the answer is yes, sometimes we do. When we're unsafe and not committed to or working any specific plan or program, we're dangerous. As one clinician says, "we are human wrecking balls, using and destroying everyone in our path." The very instance of betrayal can leave the betrayed feeling they were never really loved and were just used to fuel the unfaithful's...
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ATU Shorts SE4: James' Journey: A Message of Hope
Ask the Unfaithful
I wrote a journal entry yesterday with no real intent and it turned out to be about my journey to where I am now. A journey I'm still on, to be sure! It isn't my chapter-by-chapter story but it highlights what the journey itself has been about - what it has taught me and how it continues to change me in ways i never expected when I started - or even part way through. I want to share it with you because I am hopeful that it can provide some hope to those of you just starting out or needing some motivation to keep going. It is a worthwhile path. With love and prayers for your healing,...
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Episode 35: 4 Reasons the Unfaithful Avoid Hard Conversations
Ask the Unfaithful
Why do we unfaithful seem so committed to avoiding hard conversations, especially those about our infidelity or addiction? Why does it feel to the betrayed, that we just can't seem to discuss anything emotionally difficult or anything that presents us in a negative, less than perfect light? The truth is, you betrayed are right, we do avoid hard conversations and are massively apprehensive to discuss our infidelity. But why do we do it? What's going on behind the scenes? This toxic avoidance of ours causes many problems for the betrayed parters, often times leaving them feeling undermined and...
info_outlineIf we unfaithful are honest with ourselves, we'll have to admit that we can not only be harmful in our communication styles but also selfish, egotistical and irrational at times. From narcissistic tendencies to blame shifting and deflecting, to shaming and yelling, we just miss the mark time and time again. We often times think we're not being that harmful and we're just communicating but a deeper dive reveals that we're actually making things worse not better, reverting to problematic communication styles we've learned from childhood or early adulthood.
What may feel normal or familiar to us is possibly devastating and wounding, fueled by ignorance and ego, reinforcing to our partner or spouse that we are indeed, not safe. For the unfaithful and betrayed alike, there can be confusion as to what is harmful and what is simply explanation, communication and emoting. Whether you're an unfaithful or a betrayed, today's podcast will go to great lengths to shed light on four harmful styles that we unfaithful use that are both harmful and problematic to both their partner and perhaps even their children and family members.
If you're using one or all of these styles, make no mistake about it, you're harming your partner and actually harming yourself. When we act out or when we regress, we harm ourselves and remain stuck in patterns that quite possible, may have created the infidelity and addiction in the first place. It doesn't have to be this way. There is a better way to communicate and we as unfaithful don't have to revert to these styles of communication which only delay the entire healing process and erode any efforts to rebuild trust.
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