Refrain from the Norm

STOP don't fall for the normal tricks, you know the one that got you hurt the last time, and the time before. You know the pattern that you always tend to fall for, either in intimate relationships or in friendships. What is wrong with you? Why do you keep setting yourself up for failure, and then fall into a depressed state? Do you have " use me" written across your forehead, or, are you putting too much expectations on relationships, or in people who do not care about the relationship as much as you? Why do we automatically feel that just because you associate with someone that you are best friends or that it would be a two-sided relationship? In relationships, you must have common interests, and you should get to know each other on different levels. Get to know a persons character, the morals and values, their pet peaves or likes and dislikes. 

When we speak or elaborate on the norm, What are we truly asking? Are we inquiring about the norms of society? or the norm for different genders? or the norm for different ethnic groups and races of people? or the norm for those that are christian or athiest?  I think that the norm is basically what each individual or group considers to be normal based on experiences.  For example: An abusive home life compared to a nurturing homelife. If someone has grown up in an abusive home, would it be fair to assume, that they think it is normal? Especially if they only witnessed abuse throughout their life.  Would someone that was raised in a nurturing home understand the problems of someone that was raised in an abusive home? How would they respond to visiting someone in an abusive environment? Would they have more understanding of the behaviors of the abuse victim?  Would they sympathize with the individual? Would they think that it is just a victims mentality they are protraying, are they seeking attention from others if they share their life history, or have they overcome these obstacles in life and share their testimony to help others, or express who they are and what they've overcome in life as a way of strengthening themselves? 

For me I share my testimony, because I am amazed how the Lord brought me through and I still have peace, joy, happiness. You know the unspeakable joy the bible speaks about. I have that type of joy now in my life. I am ever so thankful to the Lord, he is the one who gets the Glory when we share what he brought us through, and it helps others who think they are alone to know that their is someone else in the world that experienced what they have and survived. 

My life as a teenager and into adulthood was surrounded by abuse for many years, things that I witnessed as a child with different female relatives and even while in school. It had my thought process thinking that abuse was normal, being hit by a man, keeping you in line. But, then as I got older and started dating I found that it was not normal, but constant occurrence. I personally experienced domestic violence in different relationships and each time I thought I was getting out, I ended right back in a new abusive relationship, if it wasn't sexual assault, it was financial, verbal or physical abuse. It truly became my normal for a few years, until the last straw. That's what I thought!  Relationships would start out beautiful, but after a few months it would go down like a fiery flame. I don't know what changed, was it me, was I naive? Did I miss something? Did I cause the problem or did they have a problem? Why didn't I see the evidence, or did I just dismiss the evidence? Those were the questions I started asking myself after decades of turmoil. I know those maybe the same questions you might have asked yourself as well.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the beauty of the relationship that we miss those signs when he/she would get verbally aggressive and chalk it up to them having a bad day at work or something. Other times we dismiss the aggressive grab or push and they realize it, so they immediately apologize, so again you dismiss this behavior as a bad day or bad mood. It was evident already where this would end up, but you stayed in it, because it felt good to be loved. I know; and so we decide to give it a try after all, he/she couldn't be that bad of a person. Look at how many friends they have, and the fun we have together, the family life, and yes you feel security there, or is it a facade? As I got older I realized that a person can only pretend to be something they are not for about 30 to 60 days, you'll start to see evidence within 30 days, but chalk it off to something else. Guess what? You just fell into the pattern of the norm that you are accustomed to. Things you need to refrain from: Rushing a relationship, having intimate relations after a short period of time, sharing past relationship failures, and letting people know just how vulnerable you are.

Once I realized that fighting, yelling, sexual abuse, financial abuse or control was not normal, I made a decision to get out of anything that would appear to be abusive in nature. I don't care if they were having a bad day or not, what ever is in a person will come out of them. So, my new outlook on life was to change what I considered to be normal, In 2009 I finally gave it all to the Lord, I cried out to him asking him to help me be a better version of myself, and don't allow anyone to come into my life that is not from him that would cause me harm. I did not want to be fooled anymore. I had positive self talk, I focused on helping myself get a grip on life, my christian walk, and what was important to me. I focused on raising my child as a single mother, and focused on my education. As my life changed, my relationship choices changed as well. I got away from my delusion of normal, and came into reality of true living. I found peace, joy, happiness, security, self confidence and finally a true love. In 2010 my life was changed with the meeting of my best friend, my husband, my confidant, my prayer partner, and everything in between.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 AMP: Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked (nor overly sensitive and easily angered); it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth (when right and truth prevail). 7. Love bears all things (regardless of what comes), believes all things (looking for the best in each one), hopes all things (remaining steadfast during difficult times), endures all things (without weakening). 

For those of you that have experienced abusive relationships and you just feel like giving up, I say to you, don't. I will say take your time to find out what your norm is and if it is abusive, then take the time to heal, build yourself up, don't allow someone else's bad behaviors to damage your outlook on life. It's not your fault, you can't change anyone, you can only change yourself, your belief system, your normal, your confidence, your heart. If you see red flags don't ignore them escape. 

The norm for me was very destructive, I sabotaged myself a few times, and now I look at life in this manner. I love everyone, I accept criticism in order to help me along my way in this christian walk, I look for positive in bad situations, my friends are few and to be honest they are just associates, they are people who know my name and some may know my back story, but they truly don't know the real me. They don't understand how I view friendships as a whole. If I say that I am your friend, then you should be able to correct me and vice versa, we should be able to do things together that each one likes and not just being about oneself, I show interest in my friends life and I am truly concerned about their well-being. Here's what I found in the past year or so, that some people don't understand the true meaning of friendship and they don't know how to accept the love that you may have to give.  What do you do with that? You meet them where they are and don't put more into it than what they are willing to give. In other words just be cordial, don't share to much about who you are, because it could be taken way out of context and they perceive you in the wrong way. You have to evaluate each relationship that you have in life on different levels. You have to know who you can confide in, who you can joke with, who you can just be you with. Some relationships can not handle the real you. It doesn't mean that you have to end it, but be cautious, pick up on the signals they are giving, and go from there it will keep you from getting hurt in the long run.

I have a few people in my life that I know I can count on to tell me the truth even when I'm upset, my husband Darryl Hopson, my mother in law Delores Hopson, my brothers in christ Harrison, Jackson, and my son Vernon Clay.  We all need to have those people that no matter what our actions are they will pull our coat tail, if people can't tell you something to correct you, then how can you attempt to correct someone else's behaviors? Look in the mirror and see yourself. Refrain from the norm and try something different. Don't rush into relationships take your time to get to know people and if their is misperception you have all rights to ask for clarity, just be ready for the response you get and move on accordingly.