306 - Bad Mutha: Owning and Disowning Mom Guilt (Replay)

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This week, Jill brings back one of the most downloaded episodes in the history of the show, episode 15 titled “Bad Mutha” from 2020, long before she really had any idea what this podcast would become. She shares how she didn’t reread or rework it and how that is honestly part of the point. She was overwhelmed, anxious, and convinced that she was screwing everything up as a mom, but now, five years later, after a whole lot of therapy, journaling, and soul-searching, she has realized that the guilt that she felt then is the same guilt so many of us are still carrying now.

In this replay episode, you will hear Jill wrestle with the old stories that she used to tell herself such as the story that she was a bad mom, that every mistake was permanent, that other mothers were doing it “right” while she was just keeping her head above water. You’ll also hear the moments that still tug at her heart such as the night that she chose a spotless kitchen over watching a Star Wars movie with her daughter, memories that she has replayed endlessly as if punishing herself could rewrite them.

However, this episode is about naming what’s actually underneath mom guilt: perfectionism, comparison, and the old wounds which we drag into adulthood without even realizing it. It’s about understanding why we cling to the belief that we’re failing, even when the evidence says otherwise, and it is, of course, about the uncomfortable truth that guilt doesn’t make us better mothers; it only teaches our kids to carry the same shame that we’re trying to outrun.

Jill encourages listeners to remember that every parent has their private struggles, no matter how shiny their family looks from the outside. Every child grows through their own challenges, and every mother, whether she believes it or not, is doing the absolute best she can with the tools that she has, so if mom guilt has been background noise for you or if you’re ready to let go of the impossible standards that have followed you for years, this revisited episode will meet you exactly where you are!

Also, don’t forget - Jill will be hosting an upcoming retreat - the More of Me retreat - offering a deep dive into self-discovery. Head to jillherman.com for more details!

Show Notes:

[1:31] - This episode is a replay of episode 15 of the podcast, titled “Bad Mutha.”
[5:04] - This episode is all about mom guilt.
[7:11] - Jill admits that she long believed that guilt made her a bad mother.
[10:54] - Jill realized that her “bad mom” narrative was not offering her truth.
[13:32] - Jill shares a story of how a missed movie with her daughter still reminds her of how her anxiety misguides choices.
[15:58] - Unspoken stress led Jill's daughter to feel disappointed and hurt.
[17:20] - Jill recognizes that her haunting memories are exaggerated guilt that she can’t rewrite.
[20:07] - Perfection is impossible, and self punishing stories aren’t reality.
[22:11] - Hear how Jill realized that unresolved personal issues amplified comparison and perfectionism, intensifying guilt unnecessarily.
[24:29] - Jill rewrote her story, collecting evidence of love to take on guilt and perfectionism.
[26:59] - Comparing ourselves to other parents steals our peace because everyone struggles behind closed doors.
[28:46] - Jill discusses how perfectionism exploits unresolved wounds, making parents feel inadequate despite their efforts.
[30:37] - Healing needs to involve inward reflection, honest conversations, apologies, and self-forgiveness to move forward.
[33:09] - Jill argues that real mothering comes from self-healing, not guilt, so that children experience joy and wholeness.
[35:13] - Hear how observing a highly present mother reignited Jill's anxieties, despite her own progress in parenting.
[37:10] - Jill chose self forgiveness after realizing that her parenting evidence showed love rather than failure.
[39:07] - Jill reminds parents that their guilt reflects perfectionism, not the reality of their kids’ futures.
[42:11] - Jill found freedom by accepting her children’s independence and releasing expectations driven by perfectionism.
[45:52] - Kids’ choices reflect their own paths, not parental failure or shame.
[49:34] - Jill encourages moms listening to journal guilt and affirm their worth on a daily basis.
[53:04] - Jill also encourages sharing these reflections with friends!

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