Ep07: Making a Connection

On this episode, Mike talks about making a connection and transitioning the conversation from small talk to bigger talk.

--Transcript--

(Intro)
This is the conversation Iq podcast. I'm your host Mike Ford. Are you sick and tired of dealing with social anxiety? Do you want to overcome your fear of feeling awkward or looking silly in social situations? Do you struggle with just saying hello or maybe keeping a conversation going? Well, welcome to our community of communicators where we are on a mission to rid the world of loneliness by sharing tips, tricks, and techniques from some of the world's best conversationalist. Super excited to have you guys on this journey with us. We'll see you on the other side of this episode.

(Episode)
I’m your host Mike Ford. Last episode we talked about right where the second step in a conversation ladder, which is deepening the conversation. We went through the Ford methodology, the family occupation, recreation dream and how to ask questions that allows someone to share more about themselves and to demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in the other individual and it allows you to really start to get beyond that top level, superficial, small talk part of conversation. As we move into this episode, we're talking about the next step in the ladder. It's a blend right for you to go from deepening the conversation to making a connection. It's almost like am I feel like it's happening in the second step of the ladder in the deepening the conversation phase. So what I want to remind folks is that you don't necessarily have to follow each step of the ladder or each phase of the conversation.

Really it's just the guide. It allows you to turn around and say, okay, where do I struggle at? Where am I having a hard time progressing for one face and the next? And so that way you can start to be intentional about how you're increasing your skill set in each phase of the latter. For some folks, success is just being able to break the ice for others' successes. Just being able to go back and forth a couple of times and just tell that other person, I care, I really appreciate your time. Thanks for talking to me. You know, good luck with everything and that's in you. And you end the conversation. That's success. For some folks and for others it's going further in that ladder to a place where they are really truly wanting to connect with the purpose and elevate someone's that Eddie can cocreate something with the other individual.

So today we're going to talk about creating a connection with the individual. And uh, all of that is, it's not like this super duper fancy technique, right? We're just talking about finding places in the conversation where you guys are connecting. You're relating, right? But there's such a fine balance between connecting and relating to launching into a whole story because you have experienced something similar. For example, I used to get into conversations and as soon as someone would say, hey, you know, yeah, I was born in Florida, or you know, I'm Panamanian. Like I would be like, Oh man, me too. My parents, boom, boom. Yeah, I was born in Florida, in Florida, Hurricane Andrew is any other, and I launched into this whole monologue, which turns off the other partner, needed a conversation partner because I've just bulldoze my way over the conversation. I've just stolen all the air time.

So the trick is how do we, you connect with somebody without overtaking the conversation or taking control of the discussion and still allowing space for there to be a good back and forth that's happening. It's pretty similar to what's happening during the deepening phase. So as we're getting into the conversation where identifying places to relate with somebody. So as you're asking questions, right, we're taking interests, were taking genuine interest in. So we're asking a lot of open ended questions, not close ended questions, close ended questions. We'll end in a yes or no while the open ended questions leave room for that individual to expound on their answer. And as they are talking about their answer, you know, the more space you give someone to talk, the more opportunity you have to notice a couple of things. Or do they want to have a conversation? Is their body language expressing that they are into the exchange that's going on?

Are they trying to get somewhere else? Right now? Are things to look for in a conversation non-verbally that will tell you if that person wants to continue having a conversation with you or if they're ready to just get underway. Right? We're looking for obvious signs of boredom, boredom being, they're yawning. Sometimes people will yawn from feeling stressed or from feeling, I mean, it is not just tired, right? It's like if they're stressed also they might yawn. Sometimes they'll create space between you and themselves by physically putting something in between you and it's kind of funny because you'll see it. I'm a, it may not be anything that they're doing consciously. If you were to move just slightly closer to that individual, you will see them move back. Like physically, they will lean back or they will walk around something to create space between you and them and I want you to remember that if and when that stuff happens, the way for you to improve your conversation Iq is that you're going to have to get into more conversations.

You're going to have to get out and having large sample size for you to know when and where and how to apply different techniques and, and for you to develop in that space. So when and if, you know, if, when that happens, don't take those things personally, we have to really protect ourselves immune. When you're starting to relate and connect with people, sometimes you might get a reaction when you're talking about something that is really important to you or you're asking questions on the topic that you're really interested in. They might give you a nonverbal cue is like they're challenging what you're saying or they don't agree with what you're saying. That's okay. And it's okay for you to say, there's something about what I said that doesn't, you know, it's not sitting well. Like, tell me what you're thinking. Or you can just stop me or let me explain and ask them, well, what are your thoughts?

You know, um, well, what do you think about whatever it is you're talking about, right? And that'll give the person an opportunity to express whatever it is that they're feeling. And so don't take it personal, right? Because if you take it personal, you're going to pile more junk on top of the junk that we already have gone through life and that is going to create a another blockage, another barrier for us to grow and connect with people. There's this really great book called Positive Intelligence. The doctor who wrote the book, I can't remember his name right now, but the author of the book, basically what he goes through, he talks about how when we were younger, all the, you know, experiences that we have, someone in our life hurts. Some of the traumas that things like that have put us in a position where we are based at the like, man, I can't do x, y, and Z. Right?

Or you're calling your call saboteurs. There's like nine of them. The hypervigilant, the restless, the judge, the hyper achiever, the stickler and the list goes on, right? Are these nine different characters that are all operating right inside of our head? And so those narratives sound different for each one of those saboteurs. If you're not aware of that, what's happening is that the real you is buried underneath all of that. And so when you're communicating with somebody, you're asking questions, you're going deeper in a conversation, you might run into one of those saboteurs, right? And you gotta know that it's a celebratory or talking to and not the actual individual. I know that sounds kind of weird, right? Cause it's like I'm out here communicate with a bunch of skitzo front. Yes, yes you are. Yes. People have put on a lot of junk. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

And because of that, there are a lot of human things, things in this world that we power. I mean, just imagine the things that we wake up to wake up to negative. We go to sleep experiencing something negative and we're around people every single day. That's just spewing junk. Especially if you're not intentional about who you are, allowing into your circle as your friends and those type of things. Right? So just something to keep in mind. Don't take things personal. It's so important. And so back on this connected thing, right? So we're connecting with people. We are identifying places where we have a genuine connection. Now there are things that you can connect with somebody on a personal level, which is a personal experience that you've had and you can connect with someone on that. So if I'm in a conversation with somebody and I'm asking questions, so for instance, I, the other day I was in Barnes and noble and I saw these two ladies that were looking at some of the books in the leadership bomb.

I asked them, I said, Oh hey, you know, I don't see a lot of people hanging around in these aisles for the leadership books. Are you guys doing something? Are you focusing on your leadership ability? Are you, are you working on something around that? And, uh, you know, leave lady said, yeah, we are. You know, we're actually starting in his book club here and we're actually business owners. So leadership is something that's really important to me. And she went into, you know why she was hanging out in the leadership section, started asking a couple of questions like, okay, you know what again, what is it about the leadership thing that gets you all excited? You know, like why do you care so much about it? And she starts talking about how important it is to be a leader, to be influential. She read it, she read a lot of John C. Maxwell books and talked about how leadership ability as a multiplier and her friend is like, yeah, you know, I'm getting excited because she's excited about it.

And we started talking about kind of how they met and all that stuff. This is a really important thing to keep in mind, uh, for the folks that are in relationships. Right? And you might have this feeling like if I go to talk to someone, you know, I shouldn't be talking to other people or of the opposite sex because I'm in a relationship or I'm dating somebody. I miss up to serious. It's okay for you to have a conversation with someone of the opposite sex. As long as within the first five to 10 seconds of that conversation, you mentioned your partner. What do I mean by that? When I launched it to a conversation, I usually will say something along the lines of yeah, my wife and I moved here from whatever. Yeah. My wife and I are big enthusiasts. You know, we're also into leadership development.

You have my wife and I blah blah, boom, boom. Right? And that way that individual knows that the reason that you're having a conversation with them isn't to like try to ask them on a day, try to do anything like that. Right. And you just want to have a conversation. So as I'm connecting with that individual and they're telling me about leadership, I let them know like that's really cool. My wife and I are into the same thing. We've studied a couple of Jonsi Maxwell's books. Which one are those books are, you know, I've been the most influential for you. Now notice that I didn't take control of the discussion. Instead, what I did was I gave them a little bit, I demonstrate that I have spent some time learning the same thing and then I've asked a question that falls in line with what is it we're connecting on?

So that way we can go deeper in that. So deepen into conversation and connecting are kind of interchangeable. You know, you're finding these unrelated on your driving a conversation deed. It's almost like, you know, they talk about, you're uh, looking for gold, right? So you dig a little bit, you, you hit a gold vein, you follow that vein until the vein dries up, and then you turn around and you shift the direction in which you're digging to hit another vein and start to dig deeper. That's how we are navigating conversation. That's how we are developing a deeper connection with people. That's how we are, you know, outmaneuvering those saboteurs so we can talk to the real person. Right? And so that is how we connect on a personal level. So personally, my experience is tied to what she is currently exploring right now. Right? And if I ask her enough questions in that space, again, eight times out of 10 the individual turn around and say, hey, that's really awesome.

What about you Bowman and now she's given me permission to talk a little bit about me and I can give enough information. This is going to take practice, right? Because you don't necessarily know when it's time to stop or start talking unless you can identify, you can speed read people's nonverbal cues. Right. You know when someone is saying Aha or yeah, or nodding their head because they are interested in what you're saying or because they are ready to start talking, they have something they want to add to the conversation and you as the individual who has initiated that conversation and started asking the questions, you have to be emotionally mature enough to say, okay, let me give this person some space because this is not about me. I started this conversation because I want to know more about the other person. And so you're allowing them to interject and to provide their feedback and then for you to be just as excited and just as energetic as an individual to turn around and start asking an another, another question along those lines.

Okay, listen, yes, you might get into a place, you know, cause some of you are thinking, what if I run out of things to say, what if I don't know what to say next? Well, what do you say next? Right? A lot of how and why questions, right? How did that make you feel? Well, you know, why do you think that happened? What have you done to improve that? What do you plan on doing? Asking future questions. That's leading a conversation, right? What does the next five, 10 years look like? What do you expect to accomplish with, you know, Diego, the things that you're learning now, what's the passion project as driving you're learning? Those are things, those are questions that you can ask that will allow you to further move the conversation forward direction and allow the person to talk more about themselves. So that is the, the beauty of, of following the connection piece, right?

So that is you personally asking questions. So to, I said there's two ways personally applying your experiences to connect with somebody or you can do things by curiously through somebody that you know, and this is a really sweet technique. This is what allows you to connect with absolutely anybody, right? I've been in conversations where I ran into doctors, right? Guys that are going to medical school and that are studying this, that and the other. And I say, okay, I enjoy meeting people in places that I enjoy hanging out. I like spending my time in bookstores. I like going out to social events and meeting people. I like running into people online and all that. I enjoy meeting people at just places that my wife and I go together recreationally. And so one of the examples was, again, you know, I'm, I'm in a bookstore hanging out and looking at a couple of books and stuff and hint for you guys, right?

If you want to be interesting and you want to have engaging conversation, you yourself have to become interesting and how do you become interesting? How do you increase your magnetism is that there has to be things that you know enough about because you've read and that you've listened to or that you studied online or whatever the case is so that when you get into a conversation with somebody you have, you can connect with them on certain things. So it's not necessarily just have to be an expert in anywhere, but it does help to be a jack of all trades to have, you know, a tool kit full of topics that you are versed enough so that the other person that is the expert, you now have an opportunity to learn that that person is filling that learning for it. Even though you could find the answer online, it allows you to again, connect with someone, let them teach you learn, right?

Be Open to having a new experience and having that person teach you and it just amplifies the connection and the relate ability and all those things that you'll have with that individual. So back on this example with the doc, the med student, and they're going to school, becoming a medical doctor, and I, and I don't have to go through the same experience for me to take interest, I can say, Oh man, you know I've got a couple of friends. If you do, you got a couple of friends that have gone through medical school and they say it's pretty tough. Or you read online, man, that's like a whole bunch of schooling. That's really incredible. Again, you're not asking questions. It'd be like that was a dumb decision. You are asking questions that affirms that person's decision to do what they're doing right. And if they don't like the decision that they made, they will tell you.

Right. And that's another opportunity for you to connect, to ask some more why questions and what was the motivating factor and what inspired you to pursue that? What's the next asking future questions leading them. What's the next five, 10 years? What's the, you know, your schedule must be really busy. What does it look like? You know, what's the life of a med student and what does a day in the life of a med student look like? And so simply being able to say, I've got a buddy who experienced the same thing. Immediately that person connects with you cause they're like, oh, you get what I'm going through then. Right? Or you can even if you said, hey, I read online, they invest so much time into med school, that's a lot of time. And there's so much you got to learn and there's so many different branches of medical, the medical field that you could pursue.

Like which one are you pursuing in and how did you get into that? And now you're in a position again where you're connecting and you're able to identify these pieces to connect and to relate and to drive the conversation deeper. Well I call them conversation breadcrumbs. That's what you're looking for. You're looking for the bread crumbs in the conversation so that you can drive the conversation deeper and to continue to move in a forward direction of positive, forward direction. That is the, the bulk of the conversation. Interaction really happens during phase two and phase three or the conversation and making a connection at deepening the conversation and really elevating. There's not a lot of people that you'll take to a place where you can elevate and cocreate with them just because not a lot of people are, you know, maybe doing what you're doing or you may not know a lot of folks that can, you know, connect with them.

Like however, what you can do is with the person that you're talking to now develop such a connection at, it allows you to turn around and when you close that conversation, which really close in the conversation is just simply letting that person know. Man, it was really great talking to you. I really had a great time connecting. Um, what do you think about staying in touch? Are you on Facebook? Uh, how often do you come on? Like just giving them an option? Hey Dude, do you want to exchange numbers? And maybe we can grab coffee later on. So now you are developing a relationship with somebody and now when the next time you get into a conversation and you meet someone as you know you're in a place in which we'll talk about the next episode is for us to elevate the conversation. Now you can let her know, you do know somebody, you know medicine and has gone through what they're going through, you know, and they figured out how to really efficiently go through med school without, you know, taking all the tests, passing the tests and all that stuff and I could connect you with them if you're open to that, you know. So that's all I got for you guys today.

(Outro)
Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Conversation IQ podcast. It's always a pleasure just to spend time and share and to encourage and empower folks to be better conversationalist. If you aren't picking up things that you can implement and you had positive results from that, please share with us. We love to hear about your successes. We'd also like to hear about any challenges you are experiencing so that way we can continue to serve the community. We can continue to provide value and continue to equip you with the tools you need for you to be an awesome conversation list. Please check us out at www.conversationiq.co for an opportunity to be a part of our Facebook group Increasing Conversation IQ. It is www.conversationiq.co we'll see you guys on the next episode.