Ep10: Conversation Types (Part 2)

In this episode, Mike talks about identifying the different types of temperament and how they impact your conversation.

--Transcript--

(Intro)
This is the conversation Iq podcast. I’m your host Mike Ford. Are you sick and tired of dealing with social anxiety? Do you want to overcome your fear of feeling awkward or looking silly in social situations? Do you struggle with just saying hello or maybe keeping a conversation going? Well, welcome to our community of communicators where we are on a mission to rid the world of loneliness by sharing tips, tricks, and techniques from some of the world’s best conversationalist. Super excited to have you guys on this journey with us. We’ll see you on the other side of this episode.

(Episode)
All right. Welcome to another episode of conversation Iq with your host Mike Ford. We are talking about the different types of conversation type and conversation types tend to go on ally with your temperament and the way it's split up. The previous episode we talked about being extroverted versus introverted, fast paced versus slow paced and people oriented versus task oriented. It's really the next thing to move into so people who are people oriented one day are in conversation. The way that comes across is I'm having conversation for the sake of just being able to relate and to sit in the same place and talk for awhile and it might feel like there's no purpose to the conversation like there's no direction or nothing is really getting fixed or solved or anything like that. That's because the person is a relater. Ours is people oriented and they just enjoy being able to to sit down and spend time with somebody and talk about whatever it is kind of like really fulfilling for them. The next piece of someone who is task oriented, someone whose task oriented we'll be in conversation for the purpose of are we communicating to achieve an end result? Are we communicating to fix a problem, to expand our thinking? Are we in in conversation to provide some sort of relief for something and the conversations tend to be a little bit different. Those can be short. Those can be the way the conversation sounds, you know, along a rhythm, right? It was sound. Something like

a bump ba bump, ba boom Bumppo

and that's it, right? Like that's it. We're done. For someone who's more of a or later the way that it sounds, right? It may sound like

blah blah, ba bump, ba boom, ba Ba ba bum Ba ba Ba ba Ba.

Oh like an open ended. What do you think? Let's keep the conversation going kind of feel and so it's really important that we can pick those things up because if we step into a conversation with an intention to sit down just for the point of relating with someone and that individual is oriented on a task, it creates a bit of tension and a, it can be a turnoff in conversation. So you as the practicing conversational is the one that's improving your conversational skills. Again, you take on the obligation because you know better, you have greater awareness for you to step into a conversation and be able to be able to identify, all right, am I, am I settling in to have a 2030 minute discussion just about life and whatever else or am I here for 10 to 15 minutes to drive the conversation to a point to listen because the person thinks out loud and they just need someone to hear them and give them some feedback and I need to be prepared to do that.

So a couple of things to keep in mind as you are in conversation and you're determining someone's conversation type is does a person have a habit or a tendency jumping into finish a sentence, jumping into add more to the conversation. Then you know you really asked for them to add, let's pretend conversation is like a pool. It's like an empty pool, right? And the words that we're saying and as well as our non verbal cues that we're sending are like buckets of water that we're throwing into this pool. And so what happens is for someone who tends to be a little bit more aggressive or a little bit more dominant during conversation, they tend to throw buckets of water into the pool faster and harder. In the middle of you getting ready to throw a bucket of water in, they might throw the water at you, you know, and then into the pool and it might take your bucket and throw it into the pool for you.

Uh, and this is what usually happens when safety is an observed or someone doesn't feel safe and conversation. So this is a survival response, right? And our goal as someone who has a higher level of conversation intelligence, our objective is to be able to connect with that person in such a way that they don't feel like they have to do that, that they can catch themselves in the middle of doing that, creates a greater awareness in their habit. And they will basically tell you, listen, I'm sorry for doing that. I didn't mean to throw my water into the pool. I didn't mean to cut you off. You know, I'm sorry. And they'll give you an opportunity to speak on the opposite side of that spectrum is someone who doesn't add any value or doesn't add anything to the pool, right? They withhold their buckets of water or when you throw your bucket of water in and look back up and they're not there anymore, right?

That's one of those things where for you to be able to encourage someone to freely add, they're meaning to the shared pool of meaning is, is important that you can maintain safety in conversations, safety and dialogue. So that's a little bit more about the conversation type, right? Give you guys an example. Uh, you know, the other day we were talking to, to someone that was saying, Hey, you know, people telling me that I'm pretty intense during conversation. Why do you think that is? She's like, well, I, you know, I don't know. I just want to hear people say something that, you know, I feel like my spirit just, just really wants me to say. I'm like, no, you're not, can't stay quiet about that. I've got to say something. And, uh, I was like, okay, well let's go a little deeper into that and figure out what's going on.

And it was during the same moment that someone started to say something and that individual jumped into the conversation to add what they thought or add their experience and it completely overrided like it cut that person off mid sentence and complete override or whatever they were going to say. And they didn't have a chance to really share what they wanted to add to the pool. And so that is the perception that comes across is if you're on emotional, you're uncaring, yourself centered, and you don't really care about hearing what I have to share. And so that's why you just, you essentially disrespected me by doing that. If you're talking to a man and that happens, respect is very important for men. That's a turnoff. And even that comes across as a threat. Now, if you're talking to someone who doesn't have a high level of emotional intelligence, you can anticipate or expect if you disrespect them, for you to get an emotional response from them, right?

And then won't be a nice one. So that's the reason why it's so important to identify conversation types. Most of our interactions that we have, most of the hurts or the pains or the upset feelings happen because of the miscommunication happened because of a, of a message that was delivered the wrong way. Um, and it wasn't an intentional someone trying to hurt anybody. But what happens is that it comes across that way and so it's not so much what you say or how you say it, it's really how that individual received and interprets that message. And even though you can't necessarily control how that person will process information, what you do have control over is how you deliver and how you see something depending on someone who is a little bit more aggressive in their approach and conversation versus someone who is a little bit more timid in a way that they converse.

For someone who is a little bit more aggressive in their conversation, you want to give them enough airtime in conversation, Marcel allowing them to kind of topic as they talk out loud, but also don't be afraid to increase, to match and mirror that pace. And that aggressiveness, Mike, I'm not that aggressive, not an aggressive communicator. I don't, well now what I recommend is that you ask questions, questions that challenge that individual. Because when you start asking and especially quality questions that allow them to reevaluate what does it they're saying and the way that they're thinking, that will actually slow them down. Because at that point what they started doing is they start pricing what you're saying, they start looking at your words as I want to experience another thought provoking or another something else that's going to stretch me. It's going to, that's going to challenge me.

I need another one of those thought provoking questions. And in order for me to get that I have to stop talking and listen. And, and now all that's happening so consciously for someone who was more intimidated about adding their meaning, their understanding to the shared pool of meaning, you are going to want to straight up just saying, hey, well, well what are your thoughts? And stop talking. We comfortable in the silence. Be comfortable listening. It's like you want to play a game almost as like how many words can you pick up that someone shares with you that may not be directly on a topic that's important to them, but you know that it's indicating that there is something a little bit below the surface that's worth asking a couple questions about, but the only way you're going to identify that is through deeply listening to what that individual is saying, not just in their words but what is it that their tonality is expressing?

How are their facial expressions like what are they demonstrating non verbally to you that is indicating that this is something that they want to continue talking about or this is something that makes them proud or make some like you want to affirm them in the things that make them feel good that they're excited about that are hot buttons that make them excited and feel good, promote positive feelings. Right, because as we do that while we're doing is we are reducing the threat. We are letting them know that we are allies that were friends. This is a safe place and it encourages them to share more. Even though that was more specifically for someone who's a little bit more timid, adding meaning into the pool. That's really a universal thing, right? We want people to discover things about themselves that they didn't know. That's only discoverable to the process of collaboration, the process of collaborating with somebody else that can see things from a different perspective, so that's all I want to share with you guys for this part. This is something that I'm really excited about. I'm glad that you guys are tuning in, sticking around. If you are receiving some insight from this, my thing for you is I would encourage you to get out and try to have your own experiences. Try to see if you can become more aware of what we just discussed in this episode and the episode prior. So with that I'm done and I will catch you guys on the next one.

(Outro)
 Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Conversation IQ podcast. It’s always a pleasure just to spend time and share and to encourage and empower folks to be better conversationalist. If you aren’t picking up things that you can implement and you had positive results from that, please share with us. We love to hear about your successes. We’d also like to hear about any challenges you are experiencing so that way we can continue to serve the community. We can continue to provide value and continue to equip you with the tools you need for you to be an awesome conversation list. Please check us out at www.conversationiq.co for an opportunity to be a part of our Facebook group Increasing Conversation IQ. It is www.conversationiq.co we’ll see you guys on the next episode.