506-How to Not Have an Affair: Interview with Gary Thomas

It doesn’t start with scandal. It often doesn't even start with feelings.

It starts with a smile.
A moment of connection.
A conversation that feels easy—maybe easier than the ones you’ve been having at home.

You walk away thinking, That was nothing.
But somewhere deep down, you also know—it could become something.

If that’s where you find yourself today (or even if you’ve seen the warning signs in someone you love), please take a deep breath.
You’re not broken.
You didn't marry the wrong person.
You haven't done an irredeemable thing with no going back.

You’re human.
And this conversation is meant to bring you hope, not shame.

In my conversation with Gary Thomas today—pastor and bestselling author of Sacred Marriage—he shared that when a group of wives was asked "How many times do you think a married man has had extramarital feelings for someone?", they all responded with zero. When he asked the same question to a group of husbands, they all said somewhere from 4 to 6.

What we are saying is that attraction and feelings for someone other than your spouse are not often talked about, but are pretty common- for both husbands and wives. And we believe that bringing this into the light will take some of the shame off of these feelings and also help people not to go down a road they think has no return.

Gary Thomas on Attraction and Integrity

Gary has been married for over 40 years, and he’s seen a lot—as a pastor, counselor, and husband. He told me, “The reason we make a commitment is because we know there will always be another person who draws us for a moment. Commitment means we already know what to do with it—and what not to do with it.”

We don’t often talk about attraction outside of marriage unless it’s already turned into an affair. But Gary’s heart is to normalize awareness before it becomes destruction.

In our talk, Gary referenced a romantic comedy movie where a married bus driver begins to become attracted to a girl on a bicycle. Finally, a friend of the bus driver gently confronts him and says: “There will always be a girl on the bicycle.”

In other words, there will always be someone who catches your eye.

The key isn’t pretending that will never happen—it’s learning how to respond when it does.

Gary reminded me that having an attraction isn’t the sin. Entertaining it is.

The feelings themselves don’t make you unfaithful—they make you human. But where you let those feelings go next? That’s where faithfulness begins.

The Subtle Steps Toward an Affair

Gary shared that most affairs don’t start with a dramatic choice—they start with small, quiet ones. Little compromises that feel “innocent.”

He shared with a story of a woman who did end up having a physical affair. She recounted that it wasn't just one day to the next, but that there were actually several steps that happened before they were physically intimate. She shares that she could have turned back at any of these step, had she known before. She also shares the grief after it was all done at waking up to "just a dude in her bed"– not the escape or rescue or romance the temptation had promised.

Here are the steps she shared and the pattern Gary’s seen over and over again:

1. You share marriage frustrations with someone of the opposite sex.

2. You sense a spark—and feel seen or understood.

3. You start caring how you look around them.

4. You think about them when they’re not around.

That’s the prelude. It doesn’t feel dangerous yet, but it’s where hearts begin to shift.

Gary said, “If you can recognize it early, you can stop it before it ever grows.”

From there, people will often begin to have an emotional affair:

     5. You fantasize about being together.

     6. Manipulating circumstances to spend more time together.

     7. You start playful banter or flirtation.

     8. Friends notice—and ask what’s going on.

This is a wake-up call. Gary said, “If people around you see it, something’s already happening.” They’re seeing what your heart is trying not to admit.

Then, comes the actual physical affair:

    9. Meeting together in secrecy.

    10. Texting or calling in ways you hide from your spouse.

    11. Physical intimacy.

This is the final step—but it’s never the first.

We don't share this to shame. Maybe you've already partaken in some of these steps. We share because it is not too late to turn back. Gary said, “If you know the steps, you can stop at any one of them."

When You Have Extramarital Feelings, Here's What to Do

If you do end up experiencing feelings or attraction for someone other than your spouse—don’t panic. Don’t spiral into guilt.

Instead, bring it into the light.
Tell a trusted, godly friend of your same sex. Talk to your spouse if it’s wise to do so. And most importantly—talk to Jesus.

Ask Him to help you see the truth: that this isn’t love, it’s a lure.
Temptation often feels like relief at first—but always ends in ruin.

Then, put up strong, unapologetic guardrails:

• Stop all unnecessary contact with that person.

• Don’t text, call, or “just check in.”

• If you work together, keep everything professional and public.

• And don’t justify emotional intimacy as “just friendship.”

And when your spouse asks you to stop interacting with that person, don't respond with pride. See that they are feeling threatened and care for them deeply in that. As Gary said, “You can’t make your wife (or husband) feel cherished if you’re protecting a relationship that threatens them.”

What Makes Us Vulnerable to Affairs

Gary also reminded me that temptation doesn’t appear out of nowhere—it finds cracks that already exist.
Stress. Loneliness. Unmet needs. Disappointment.

He said, “There was a time early in my marriage when everything felt like failure—our baby cried constantly, money was tight, and I felt like I couldn’t get anything right. So when someone made me feel ‘perfect,’ it was intoxicating.”

Can’t we all relate to that in some way?
When life feels heavy, a moment of admiration feels like oxygen.

But the healing you're seeking isn’t found in a new connection—it’s found in deeper connection at home and with the Lord.

But that’s why we must run to the right source for validation.
Your worth isn’t in who smiles at you—it’s in the God who delights in you.
That's right.
Not a perfect wife who is doing the perfect things, or a perfect husband who is saying the perfect words.
But the Lord who is constant.

Guarding Your Heart and Protecting Your Marriage

Let Gary’s wisdom anchor you: “Be as faithful to your spouse as God is faithful to you. Be as committed to your marriage as Christ is committed to His Church.”

That kind of faithfulness isn’t built on fear—it’s built on love.
When you keep Jesus at the center, attraction loses its power and intimacy becomes holy again.

So today, ask yourself:
What boundaries do I need to strengthen?
Where have I let my guard down?
And how can I draw closer—to Jesus and to my spouse—starting now?

Again, we don't share this to frighten or shame. We are sharing to let you know that if you've had feelings for someone other than your spouse- you are not alone. You are not dirty, you are not broken. It doesn't mean you married the wrong person and it doesn't mean this new person is your soulmate. It means there was attraction and you are human. That is it.

We love you and we are rooting for you!

 

Blessings,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS - Want to bring our material to your churches? Check out delightyourmarriage.com/ipt to learn more about our In-Person Trainings and our January pilot programs!

PPS - Ready to take the next step for yourself? Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Advisors at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.

PPPS - Here's what one of our recent graduates had to say about our program:
"My wife and I were roommates at best. I felt that she only wanted me around for a paycheck and to take care of the house. When we had sex it was duty sex where she wasn't present and there was no connection. I hated myself but I was wanting to cheat on her just to feel wanted and desired...[Now,] I have learned about how I was causing problems and putting way too much pressure on my wife...if I am not cheering her on, who is?  The truth was no one was, no wonder she was depressed, withdrawn, and suicidal.  I would be too. I now take pride in knowing that God entrusted her to me to lift her up, cheer her on, show her how good she is, encourage her, listen to her, and cherish her so she can grow...[Recently,] she told our daughters to move because she wanted to sit by me during movie night.  She has taken steps towards intimacy with me on her own without me pressuring her."

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