Engineering Love: How Relationships Break, Repair, and Repeat
Release Date: 02/02/2023
AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.
Engineering Love
More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it’s the first place they turn when something feels wrong. So the real question isn’t whether AI is good or bad. It’s this: Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal? In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns. We cover: • Why AI feels supportive...
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Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food
Engineering Love
In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what’s really going on beneath “food noise,” body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when...
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Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer
Engineering Love
In this episode, I’m joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web...
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Why Insight Isn’t Enough to Change Your Behavior
Engineering Love
You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you’re still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common “false fixes” people rely on when they’re trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous...
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Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most
Engineering Love
In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn’t about productivity, discipline, or time management. It’s about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects...
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Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself
Engineering Love
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but...
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Why Their “Change” Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair
Engineering Love
In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm. This episode looks closely at why “sudden change” can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually. The final section focuses on in-law boundaries,...
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When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much
Engineering Love
Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change. Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the...
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Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage
Engineering Love
In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O’Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns. This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship. The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward...
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Boundaries Without Guilt: People-Pleasing, Family Estrangement, and Relationship Triggers
Engineering Love
In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict. This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others. Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the...
info_outlineIn Episode 1 of Engineering Love, Kim introduces the core philosophy behind the podcast: that love isn’t something that magically happens, it’s something that can be learned, built, and repaired with the right tools.
Drawing from her background as both a relationship coach and former IT systems engineer, Kim explains her root-cause approach to relationships and emotional pain. She responds to listener questions about depression and anxiety in relationships, recurring arguments over domestic issues, and couples who keep breaking up despite wanting to make things work.
This episode lays the foundation for the series, emphasizing empathy, accountability, self-awareness, and the importance of understanding patterns rather than blaming individuals.
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Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety
• Communicating about domestic annoyances
• Couples who keep breaking up but want to stay together
00:32 – Welcome to Engineering Love
01:00 – Kim’s background as a relationship coach and IT systems engineer
01:32 – Engineering vs psychotherapy: finding root causes
01:54 – Fascination with personality, suffering, and patterns
02:16 – Why short social media advice isn’t enough
02:41 – Why love isn’t accidental or effortless
03:05 – The myth of “love should be natural”
03:34 – How we learn communication and relationships
04:10 – Conditioning vs being “broken”
04:42 – Reconditioning thoughts, feelings, and behavior
05:04 – Community, listener questions, and intention for the show
05:25 – Question 1: Helping a partner understand depression and anxiety
06:14 – The core need to feel understood
06:36 – Pity vs sympathy vs empathy
07:19 – Empathy vs compassion explained
08:19 – Why compassion requires healthy detachment
09:03 – What people are really asking for in support
09:26 – Clarifying what “understanding” actually means
10:08 – The danger of moving goalposts for empathy
10:59 – Childhood emotional neglect and resisting support
11:25 – Asking clearly for what you need
11:46 – Listening without fixing
12:40 – Validation without shared experience
13:02 – Question 2: Communicating about domestic annoyances
13:44 – Why chores are one of the biggest relationship conflicts
14:06 – Creating a clear chores list and accountability
14:51 – When resistance becomes a pattern
15:31 – Authority, control, and parent–child dynamics
16:38 – When chores symbolize care, safety, or love
17:20 – Cleanliness, order, and childhood history
18:37 – Accepting differences instead of setting partners up to fail
19:56 – Power dynamics and resentment around chores
20:21 – Looking beneath surface conflicts
20:49 – Question 3: Wanting to work it out but repeatedly breaking up
21:18 – The value of third-party support
21:48 – Identifying core complaints about your partner
22:12 – Projection: judging what you dislike in yourself
22:40 – Transference: reacting to the past in the present
23:24 – Growth opportunities hidden in conflict
24:09 – Self-esteem, worth, and personal responsibility
24:33 – The impact of who you surround yourself with
25:24 – Choosing relationships that support growth
25:44 – Interrupting destructive cycles
26:11 – Inner work alongside relationship repair
26:32 – Closing thoughts and Carl Rogers quote
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This episode is especially helpful if you’re trying to understand your patterns, feel stuck in recurring conflicts, or want a more grounded way to think about love and repair.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast