Why Their “Change” Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair
Release Date: 07/21/2023
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info_outlineIn Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm.
This episode looks closely at why “sudden change” can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually.
The final section focuses on in-law boundaries, postpartum vulnerability, and how to get a peacemaking partner on board when accountability threatens family harmony.
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Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Abusive partner claiming sudden change
• Repeated cheating and false reconciliation cycles
• Postpartum boundary violations with in-laws
01:27 – What trauma bonds are and how they form
02:25 – Reward and punishment cycles in abusive relationships
03:23 – Power imbalance, conditioning, and familiarity with harm
03:57 – Why people return after leaving abusive partners
04:20 – Why consistent kindness can feel “boring” or unsafe
06:00 – Question 1: “My abusive partner says he’s changed, but it feels fake”
07:38 – What “fake progress” often signals
08:27 – Psychiatry vs therapy and limits of medication alone
09:45 – Why years of abuse don’t resolve in a few sessions
10:41 – Medication as stabilization vs real healing
11:39 – What genuine repair actually requires
12:07 – The role of couples therapy and trauma-informed work
12:58 – Safety, boundaries, and rebuilding self-advocacy
13:48 – How to define measurable signs of real change
15:04 – Why five therapy sessions is not enough
16:11 – Apology, accountability, and empathy as non-negotiables
17:38 – When love becomes endurance instead of care
19:02 – Question 2: Repeated cheating, devastation, and reunion cycles
20:16 – Why repeated betrayal points to deeper issues
20:46 – What true remorse looks like
21:07 – How to assess the quality of an apology
22:26 – Common patterns behind infidelity
23:45 – Cheating as coping, rebellion, or avoidance
24:37 – Trauma bonds and why leaving feels impossible
26:25 – The “rescuer” role and saving dynamics
27:37 – Supporting someone without sacrificing yourself
28:30 – Receiving care and challenging worthiness beliefs
29:39 – When patterns won’t change without real work
30:34 – Question 3: Postpartum harm, resentment, and in-law boundaries
31:28 – Healthy vs toxic resentment explained
32:31 – Lowering the pedestal and grieving lost trust
33:29 – Peacemakers, people-pleasing, and boundary collapse
34:25 – Why boundaries must be specific, not vague
35:38 – Testing alignment with your partner
36:40 – Empathy as the key to shared boundaries
38:17 – Examining your partner’s “math” around harm
39:26 – Repair vs boundaries with parents and in-laws
40:10 – When to stop pursuing reconciliation
40:53 – Role-playing boundaries before conflict happens
41:52 – Helping a peacemaking partner build empathy
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck between leaving and hoping, or if you’re questioning whether change is real or simply temporary relief.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast