AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.
Engineering Love
More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it’s the first place they turn when something feels wrong. So the real question isn’t whether AI is good or bad. It’s this: Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal? In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns. We cover: • Why AI feels supportive...
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Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food
Engineering Love
In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what’s really going on beneath “food noise,” body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when...
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Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer
Engineering Love
In this episode, I’m joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web...
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Why Insight Isn’t Enough to Change Your Behavior
Engineering Love
You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you’re still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common “false fixes” people rely on when they’re trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous...
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Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most
Engineering Love
In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn’t about productivity, discipline, or time management. It’s about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects...
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Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself
Engineering Love
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but...
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Why Their “Change” Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair
Engineering Love
In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm. This episode looks closely at why “sudden change” can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually. The final section focuses on in-law boundaries,...
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When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much
Engineering Love
Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change. Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the...
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Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage
Engineering Love
In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O’Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns. This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship. The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward...
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Boundaries Without Guilt: People-Pleasing, Family Estrangement, and Relationship Triggers
Engineering Love
In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict. This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others. Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the...
info_outlineIn Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression.
This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other.
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Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Communicating with avoidant partners
• Self-doubt and confidence
• Relationships and depression
02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion)
03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change
05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action
06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors
08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue
10:20 – Taking accountability for change
11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners
13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics
15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem
17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins
19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other
22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability
24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed
27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided
29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk
31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner
34:10 – When communication tools stop working
36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment
38:45 – When it may be time to walk away
41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future
43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism
45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth
47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt
50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose
52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality
55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment
58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you
01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth
01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose
01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly
01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple
01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain
01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics
01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance
01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor
01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling
01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility
01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking
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This episode is especially relevant if you’re questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast