AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.
Engineering Love
More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it’s the first place they turn when something feels wrong. So the real question isn’t whether AI is good or bad. It’s this: Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal? In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns. We cover: • Why AI feels supportive...
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Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food
Engineering Love
In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what’s really going on beneath “food noise,” body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when...
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Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer
Engineering Love
In this episode, I’m joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web...
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Why Insight Isn’t Enough to Change Your Behavior
Engineering Love
You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you’re still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common “false fixes” people rely on when they’re trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous...
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Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most
Engineering Love
In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn’t about productivity, discipline, or time management. It’s about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects...
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Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself
Engineering Love
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but...
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Why Their “Change” Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair
Engineering Love
In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm. This episode looks closely at why “sudden change” can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually. The final section focuses on in-law boundaries,...
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When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much
Engineering Love
Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change. Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the...
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Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage
Engineering Love
In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O’Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns. This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship. The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward...
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Boundaries Without Guilt: People-Pleasing, Family Estrangement, and Relationship Triggers
Engineering Love
In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict. This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others. Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the...
info_outlineYou understand why you avoid.
You see the pattern.
And you’re still doing it.
In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior.
Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common “false fixes” people rely on when they’re trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance.
Using real-life relational examples, nervous system science, and practical reframes, this episode explains why waiting to feel calm, trying to be perfect, forcing yourself through hard moments, or endlessly consuming self-help content often backfires.
The focus is not on fixing yourself, but on building emotional capacity: the ability to stay present with discomfort, repair when things go sideways, and stop turning one hard moment into a verdict about who you are.
Timestamps & Topics
[00:00:00] – The Conundrum: Why self-awareness doesn't change behavior.
[00:01:39] – Defining Capacity: Why change requires extreme discomfort.
[00:02:48] – False Fix #1: Waiting to feel calm or "ready" before acting.
[00:03:59] – False Fix #2: The perfectionism trap and the cost of "doing it right".
[00:06:50] – False Fix #3: Forcing exposure without a support system.
[00:08:45] – Pausing to Avoid vs. Pausing to Build Capacity.
[00:14:09] – False Fix #4: Searching for the "Golden Key" of insight.
[00:16:40] – Short-term relief vs. Long-term training of the nervous system.
[00:19:35] – Why willpower fails under emotional threat.
[00:22:00] – Compassionate Curiosity: How to stop abandoning yourself.
[00:24:37] – Why we lose access to our skills when triggered.
[00:27:13] – The Lab Partner: The necessity of community and repair.
[00:29:14] – Invitation to the Virtual Cohort: Building capacity in real-time.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast