Resentment Explained: Abandonment, Infidelity, and Lowering the Pedestal
Release Date: 02/16/2023
AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.
Engineering Love
More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it’s the first place they turn when something feels wrong. So the real question isn’t whether AI is good or bad. It’s this: Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal? In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns. We cover: • Why AI feels supportive...
info_outline
Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food
Engineering Love
In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what’s really going on beneath “food noise,” body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when...
info_outline
Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer
Engineering Love
In this episode, I’m joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web...
info_outline
Why Insight Isn’t Enough to Change Your Behavior
Engineering Love
You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you’re still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common “false fixes” people rely on when they’re trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous...
info_outline
Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most
Engineering Love
In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn’t about productivity, discipline, or time management. It’s about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects...
info_outline
Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself
Engineering Love
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but...
info_outline
Why Their “Change” Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair
Engineering Love
In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm. This episode looks closely at why “sudden change” can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually. The final section focuses on in-law boundaries,...
info_outline
When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much
Engineering Love
Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change. Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the...
info_outline
Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage
Engineering Love
In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O’Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns. This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship. The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward...
info_outline
Boundaries Without Guilt: People-Pleasing, Family Estrangement, and Relationship Triggers
Engineering Love
In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict. This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others. Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the...
info_outlineIn Episode 3, Kim breaks down resentment: what it is, why it lingers, and how to work with it without letting it harden you.
This episode introduces a key distinction between toxic resentment and healthy resentment, especially in the context of abandonment, infidelity, and long-standing friendships that no longer feel safe or reciprocal. Kim walks through how resentment often signals ungrieved loss, unmet expectations, and misplaced responsibility, and why learning to “lower the pedestal” can be an essential part of healing.
Listener questions include navigating anger toward an abandoning co-parent, repairing trust after repeated infidelity, and deciding when it’s time to end a friendship that has become painful or one-sided.
––––––––––––––––––
Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Anger and resentment toward an absent co-parent
• Infidelity, divorce, and reconciliation
• Ending a long-standing friendship
00:00:50 – Introduction: what resentment is and why it matters
01:17 – Two types of resentment explained
01:45 – Toxic resentment and how it corrodes over time
02:12 – Healthy resentment as grief and disappointment
02:38 – Why having no expectations isn’t realistic
03:06 – Resentment as waiting for someone to make things right
03:35 – How resentment reveals attachment and care
03:58 – A simple question to distinguish healthy vs toxic resentment
04:25 – When resentment is justified
04:47 – The pedestal problem
05:16 – How people get put on pedestals
05:42 – The process of downgrading
06:13 – Superficial validation and shallow loyalty
06:44 – Codependency and misplaced trust
07:10 – How introspection rebuilds self-respect
07:42 – Resentment with family
08:05 – Why family resentment hurts more
08:36 – Independence, boundaries, and healing
08:59 – Accepting that some family members won’t change
09:20 – Grieving unmet parental love
10:03 – Choosing healthier attachment figures
10:26 – Vulnerability, shame, and receiving love
10:57 – Being selective about who you open up to
11:19 – The “closet of shame” and blocked intimacy
12:28 – Question 1: Anger toward an absent father
13:04 – Untangling anger from sadness
13:30 – Self-blame and inappropriate responsibility
14:19 – Correlation vs causation in abandonment
15:15 – How childhood conclusions repeat in adulthood
16:04 – Expressing anger safely
16:27 – Writing as emotional processing
17:09 – Identifying patterns of abandonment
17:56 – Seeking support and restoring self-worth
18:56 – Accountability in possible reconciliation
19:40 – Question 2: Infidelity and saving a marriage
20:26 – Understanding resentment from the betrayed partner’s side
21:24 – Why some couples do work through infidelity
22:17 – Infidelity as a coping mechanism
23:14 – Patterns, unmet needs, and identity
23:57 – Steps of a proper apology
24:26 – Owning behavior without defensiveness
25:16 – Empathy, remorse, and rebuilding trust
26:45 – Answering questions and holding space
27:28 – Why trust takes time
28:28 – Question 3: Ending a long-standing friendship
29:11 – Healthy resentment and failed repair attempts
29:37 – Clarifying needs and roles
30:15 – When boundaries replace reconciliation
31:11 – Expectations, reality, and disappointment
31:57 – Pedestals, roles, and disillusionment
32:49 – Who changed: you or them?
33:39 – Growth, people-pleasing, and identity shifts
34:40 – Replacing unsafe family roles with chosen support
35:29 – Adult responsibility and boundaries
35:55 – Encouragement for speaking up
36:16 – Closing reflections and quote
––––––––––––––––––
This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck in resentment, carry responsibility for other people’s choices, or are trying to decide whether to repair, redefine, or release a relationship.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast