Self-Esteem, People-Pleasing, and Learning to Be Your Own Anchor
Release Date: 03/09/2023
AI Is Great at Insight. Growth Requires Integration.
Engineering Love
More than half of U.S. adults are now using AI to manage stress, anxiety, or emotional overwhelm. Among people who already use AI for mental health, nearly half say it’s the first place they turn when something feels wrong. So the real question isn’t whether AI is good or bad. It’s this: Can AI actually support mental health in a meaningful way? Or does it accidentally reinforce the very patterns people are trying to heal? In this episode, I unpack where AI genuinely helps, and where it quietly breaks down when it comes to changing your old patterns. We cover: • Why AI feels supportive...
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Why Eating Disorders Are Not About Food
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In this episode, Kim sits down with eating disorder specialist Sarah Burney to unpack what’s really going on beneath “food noise,” body dissatisfaction, and chronic struggles with eating. This conversation moves beyond surface-level advice and into the deeper emotional, neurological, and relational drivers of disordered eating. They explore why food is rarely the actual problem, how shame quietly fuels the cycle, and why changing your body never resolves the underlying distress. Sarah also clarifies common misconceptions around body dysmorphia versus negative body image, explains when...
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Thinking About Divorce? What to Know Before You Call a Lawyer
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In this episode, I’m joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made. We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run. Alex's web...
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Why Insight Isn’t Enough to Change Your Behavior
Engineering Love
You understand why you avoid. You see the pattern. And you’re still doing it. In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior. Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common “false fixes” people rely on when they’re trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance. Using real-life relational examples, nervous...
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Procrastination: Why You Avoid What Matters Most
Engineering Love
In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before. This episode isn’t about productivity, discipline, or time management. It’s about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive. Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s protection. Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects...
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Why They Shut Down and You Start Doubting Yourself
Engineering Love
In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression. This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but...
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Why Their “Change” Feels Fake: Trauma Bonds, Betrayal, and the Illusion of Repair
Engineering Love
In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm. This episode looks closely at why “sudden change” can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually. The final section focuses on in-law boundaries,...
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When They Shut Down, When They Stall, and When You Carry Too Much
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Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making. This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change. Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the...
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Empathy Without Fixing: Grief, Emotional Support, and Breaking Self-Sabotage
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In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O’Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns. This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship. The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward...
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Boundaries Without Guilt: People-Pleasing, Family Estrangement, and Relationship Triggers
Engineering Love
In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict. This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others. Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the...
info_outlineIn Episode 4, Kim answers listener questions about self-esteem, identity, people-pleasing, and how to build a sense of self without losing connection to others.
This episode explores how self-esteem is formed early in life, why people-pleasing and conflict avoidance feel safer than honesty, and how avoiding discomfort slowly erodes integrity, intimacy, and identity. Kim breaks down impostor syndrome in plain language, reframes comparison culture, and offers practical ways to build happiness, self-care, and self-trust both while single and in relationships.
The throughline of this episode is learning how to be your own anchor rather than outsourcing worth, happiness, or direction to other people.
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Time Stamps & Topics
00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Being your own source of happiness while dating
• Practicing self-love in a relationship
• Constant comparison to others
00:00:33 – Introduction: self-esteem, identity, and impostor syndrome
01:02 – What impostor syndrome is and what it isn’t
01:30 – Why impostor syndrome isn’t a DSM diagnosis
01:58 – How impostor syndrome impacts self-esteem
02:44 – Self-doubt, comparison, and inner dialogue
03:10 – How self-esteem is formed early in life
03:36 – People-pleasing as a response to insecurity
04:01 – Why people-pleasing is transactional, not kind
04:55 – Resentment, manipulation, and emotional cost
05:18 – Conflict avoidance and long-term damage
06:15 – Losing integrity through silence
06:40 – Identity loss in long-term relationships
07:00 – Conflict avoidance at family and community levels
08:23 – Regret, bitterness, and the cost of not speaking up
08:43 – Learning communication and confrontation as skills
09:09 – Integrity as the foundation of healthy relationships
09:19 – Question 1: Being your own source of happiness
09:59 – Why many people don’t know what makes them happy
10:22 – Tuning out your own needs to care for others
11:16 – Finding purpose through community
12:10 – Experimentation and trial-and-error while single
12:36 – Removing fear of rejection from self-discovery
13:00 – Using your past as a happiness blueprint
13:29 – Separating happiness from romantic partners
14:19 – The importance of platonic friendships
14:47 – Practicing vulnerability and repair with friends
15:19 – Why friendships strengthen romantic relationships
16:19 – Question 2: Practicing self-love and self-care in a relationship
16:57 – Defining what self-care actually means to you
17:20 – Why knowing what you need isn’t enough
17:43 – People-pleasing and difficulty asking for care
18:05 – Self-care as boundary-setting
18:26 – Fear of tending to your own emotions
19:17 – Avoidance, trauma, and disconnection from the body
20:08 – Why self-care goes deeper than surface habits
20:50 – Question 3: Constant comparison to others
21:16 – Social media and distorted comparison
22:18 – Curated lives and emotional disconnection
23:05 – Edited identities and blocked intimacy
23:46 – Objectification and fantasy thinking
24:07 – CBT tools for interrupting comparison
25:01 – Using comparison as motivation instead of shame
25:39 – Healthy role models and mentorship
26:22 – Community, collaboration, and shared growth
27:34 – Closing reflections and final quote
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel disconnected from yourself, struggle with people-pleasing, or find your self-worth rising and falling based on comparison or approval.
Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/
Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/
Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast