276. How the Patriarchy has Hurt Men (And How Men Can Heal) with Dr Ray Doktor

Things could get easier if men could connect to the idea that taking personal responsibility leads to expansion, more love, and what they want. However, they have to stop looking at themselves with the self-sabotaging belief that they're not enough.

We have Dr. Ray Doktor as our first male guest on the Game on Girlfriend podcast because he is working very diligently to help the men on this planet heal. I personally believe this can have a massive effect on how we as women do business, how the world works overall, how our sons feel as they grow, and the examples that men give to each other.

Much like it's going to take women talking to other women about invisible unpaid work, we're also going to need men to work with other men to show them the example of men who can be assertive, confident, and wonderful while still being warm, having integrity, and understanding their own emotions.

Dr. Ray is a best-selling author recognized by the team behind the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and over 28 years of experience as a life and relationship coach, he has shared stages with some of the most influential voices in personal development, including Marianne Williamson, Bruce Lipton, John Gray, and Eckhart Tolle. 

Dr. Ray says that for men who don't have confidence, are insecure, and want to be in a partnership, the message that they're getting is that if they approach a woman, they could offend them.

On the other hand, some men are not seen as predators and are well-received. Dr. Ray says that, in his case, he's been told he's mansplaining as an expert over the past four years. He's even had his coaching partner – a woman – receive messages questioning her judgment and accusing him of narcissism. 

"I have just come off as a confident man with a certain level of certainty, but I'm also very assertive, you know, and I'm direct, but it triggered stuff in them."

Dr. Ray points to the more conservative men, who might be looking for a 1950s housewife and are too narrow-minded to accept women who want to be able to show up and express themselves.

He said regardless of what type of man you're talking about, the issue is that most men are not doing the inner work. They want the easy path. They'll seek pleasure over pain, even knowing it's going to lead to pain again, so they make poor choices. Or they say, "I can do it, I'll figure it out," but they don't. 

Dr. Ray says many men value performance more than inner work. He finds that when he posts about holding space for women and their emotions, the men typically want to shut down those posts and ideas. Due to insecurity, the perspective can become competitive and combative.

Dr. Ray says many men are very much immersed in the collective narrative of competition and perfectionism. For example, if their partner shares something and it is delivered using an "I statement," such as "the way you spoke to me, it didn't feel good, and I didn't feel safe," it's important to realize that this is not a conclusion. 

"[Women are] basically saying that I'm here to improve also. I want to grow with you, also. And therefore, when you take personal responsibility, I'm excited again," says Dr. Ray. "But what happens men go into denial, they go into saying, well, you're not perfect."

As far as what women can do, Dr. Ray says men have to do the inner work. No matter how many compliments you give him, he won't hear it if he doesn't love himself. He says women can be mindful of language when they are engaging.

Seeing a man who has remained masculine, assertive, and confident and still has access to his emotions is the example that so many men are looking for. They need to see that it's safe to heal and if they'll still be accepted in the world if they do this work.

 

Drop One Big Hidden Belief and Transform Your Life: https://www.allittakesisonebook.com/

Connect with Dr. Ray Doktor: https://raydoktor.com 

Other GoG episodes you might want to check out:

Sick of People Pleasing? Childhood Trauma Might Be The Source

https://sarahwalton.com/people-pleasing-trauma-response/ 

The 5 Stages of Healing

https://sarahwalton.com/stages-of-healing/ 

You can check out our podcast interviews on YouTube, too! http://bit.ly/YouTubeSWalton 

Thank you so much for listening. I’m so honored that you’re here, and would be so grateful if you could leave a quick review on Apple Podcasts by clicking here, scrolling to the bottom and clicking “Write a review.” Then, we’ll get to inspire even more people!

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