Navigating Our Response To Trauma With Grace

Mark introduces the topic of trauma and how we respond to trauma

This topic came up from some family events and aging and how people respond to trauma

Jim brings a framework to the discussion…The 5 “F’s”

Jim fits trauma into our flywheel framework. He breaks down the 5 areas and we decide to focus on relationships and The Self

We can’t seem to discuss anything without coming back to self awareness

Jim got this framework from a podcast he listened to about trauma. The 5 F’s of trauma response are

Fight

Freeze

Fawn

Flop

Flight

Jim thinks most people opt for flight. They run

Mark says he’s reacted using all 5, but his primary choice is fighting…in the context of “protection”

H talks about what he might do in the moment…saving a kid in the street

Mark says trauma can take on many shapes. Simple all the way to severe

Jim gives insight on the “Phases” of response. The initial response and the longer term evolution of the response over time as context and circumstance unfold. The secondary response

Mark agrees. It’s an emotional initial response and then as things develop and you can adjust up or down

Mark says our response might also be toward a particular end. Sometimes we model a response to elicit the response of another

Mark shares a story about road rage with his kid

The guys break down each of the five. Mark reads the definition of “Trauma response” which is automatic and instinctive and then the 5 F’s. Caveman stuff. IN our DNA

Mark reads all 5 definitions

Fight - Both guys get a chuckle about when they physically responded as younger men…but don’t any more. Mark talks about people that push buttons on purpose. It can be a strategy…on purpose

Flight - Jim says this one is very powerful. Going silent as a power play. Mark shares his experience with his ex-wife. And both guys think this one is cowardice. You can’t make progress with people who take off

Freeze - Playing dead. Animals do this and soldiers too. Jim brings up sports and Mark calls it a survival tactic. Jim says he freezes more now than he ever has. Things are overwhelming. Mark says, sometimes you just need to pause and collect your thoughts, but as time elapses, who you really are comes out. Awareness is the key. Self control

Mark talks more about how helpful it is to pause. Jim says sometimes you need to forgive yourself for being stuck. Accountability can be preserved if you adjust after the trauma subsides

Fawn - People pleasing at one’s own expense. Mark says this sounds manipulative. Jim disagrees. Mark thinks all of them are…I’m not sure what to do. He only finds fault if you remain in one of these states as things calm down. Mark thinks these are righteous as long as you can take responsibility as things relax

Flop - total collapse from overwhelm and hopelessness. Mark says, “that’s heavy”

Jim says, you just don’t know what people have been thru…give people a place to land…empathy. Mark says take the time to try and understand. Where are they coming from?  Apology and context can bring resolution and humanity

We have the power to bring people back down with empathy and not being presumptuous that you know what’s going on in people’s lives

Mark reads a note from Jim about how to bring perspective to these traumatic situations

The podcast that Jim got this from is named “PT Meal” Podcast

We really don’t know what’s going on with people so we need to make space and not assume. It always comes back to the self. We can exercise control over our response…so we should try to