#448 Changing Negative Behaviours Easily

A Journey to Better Behaviours: Rewire Your Reactions for Good

Ever catch yourself snapping at someone and thinking, “Where the hell did that come from?” You’re not alone. In this episode of Personal Development Unplugged, I’m getting honest about my own struggles with automatic reactions—and how I turned them around.

This isn’t just about stopping bad habits. It’s about understanding the intention behind those knee-jerk behaviours and learning how to respond with calm, curiosity, and confidence.

What you’ll learn in this episode:

• How to recognise the unconscious triggers behind emotional outbursts

• Why your unconscious mind isn’t the enemy—it’s actually trying to protect you (even if it’s doing a rubbish job)

• A simple yet powerful way to thank those old patterns—and let them go

• How to build new beliefs and emotional habits that support the real you

• Practical steps to respond with intention instead of reaction

• And a process to boot to follow along with

If you want to feel more in control, improve your relationships, and stop letting outdated emotional patterns run the show—this is your invitation.

Take the first step to emotional freedom.

Listen now and discover how to create better behaviours from the inside out.

https://personaldevelopmentunplugged.com/448-changing-negative-behaviours-easily

Shine Brightly 🌟

Paul

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Music Credits

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And the transcript WARNING if you're a lover of the written word this may make you frustrated, or angry - you have been warned - is it an 'ism

 

For me, snapping at people became a habit that was not good

 

Hey, my friend, are you like me when I say we all like to change bad reactions, bad behaviors. And I say bad, they're just not ones that we want to keep anymore. For me, well, this is one of them for me was snapping at people. Things would happen and before I knew it, bang, I'd snap. And it wasn't nice. And the result was not good. You can imagine if someone says something and you snap at them and then they snap back. And at the end of it, things didn't go well. And, then I got to be by myself. I felt like shit because I knew it wasn't right. And also, it wasn't really me. Well, it was me, but it wasn't the me that I wanted to be. Now, I could explore this knowing, you know, with my background, nlp, hypnosis therapy, I could explore it and find the core. But I didn't want to. I just didn't. I wanted, to go straight into a process for myself to change it, because I know you could. And the thing is, I knew that it was something from my unconscious mind because it was unconscious. It was a snap reaction. I didn't consciously think I'm going to be snappy. And that snappy went into like hurtful things and things like that was very personal, by the way. But I knew my unconscious mom was trying to protect me. And it was like a default thing. Now, you know, we think of fight and flight, but this was without the flight. It was just fight for no bloody reason. Well, there was a reason, but that reason had got Gone buy its sell date. I say that again. Gone buy its sell by date. It's gone past it. And I didn't need that type of protection. And, not to protected by those people who I snapped at because they weren't attacking me. It's just that, I couldn't control it. It was unconscious. And the thing is, it had become a habit. And a habit that was not a good one. So I wanted to change it. And that was a key. Or this is two of the keys. One is obviously recognizing that I needed help because it wasn't a good. So I really needed help. But. And I also knew that my unconscious mind was trying to help me, had a positive intention. It was trying to protect me. So I didn't want to fight my unconscious mind because that does no good. We lose. But I wanted to help it adapt because consciously I knew how it felt. And if it didn't feel good, it ain't bloody working, is it? So. Piano, please. So the how. How Cloughie. How Cloughie. Can we change this? You ask? And it seems daft, but I always do this first if I'm doing any change work and I do change work with clients. First of all, we need to thank your best friend, your unconscious mind, for doing that stuff. Not the bit you didn't like, but doing it with that wonderful positive intention to try to do something for you positively. For me, it was mainly protection, but it was for me to. To protect me, to kick start that, fight flight. Always there. It was always there. So I acknowledged it. Always acknowledge it. Thanks. Just go inside and go, thanks, mate. You doing your best and knowing that it doesn't feel good. And your unconscious mind knows that because there's always ears dropping on what you're talking about. Just didn't feel good. It doesn't feel right because I felt like shit after and I shouldn't feel like that. If I'd been reacting in the right way, I shouldn't feel that way. I felt guilty, felt ashamed, felt angry. All those negative emotions that are, secondary emotions that, were just. They won't do me any good, were they? Then they were causing anxiety. Plus I had to go and apologize all that stuff. So I said to my unconscious, thanks so much for doing that, but here's the thing. Why don't we find a better way? Because this way is no longer working. It's a conversation you have. That's all it is. It's that type of conversation. Say it out loud, say it inside with your internal voice. But it's no longer working. I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but can we find a better way? Now? You know in your heart there's gotta be a better way. Because if this is not working and you know you can react differently. You certainly know how you want to feel after. You want to feel connected or whatever. You want to feel good, you want to feel comfortable, you want to feel safe. And, they were all the things I wasn't feeling. And the thing is, because it was no longer working, I could tell because one thing, it wasn't feeling good, but it was causing more harm than the good it was trying to protect me from. Now the process I dived into is what I use with clients, and I tend to use it with clients in trance. But I've learned to do, I learned to do this process, in trance or Out of trance, either way works. I love working, obviously intrance. Cause I love bloody hypnosis.

 

 

First process I learned when I started my hypnosis adventure was as if

 

And I get to talk to the unconscious mind and it's normally with a client. So I'm talking to their unconscious mind and that works better for me. That's what hypnotherapy is about, I guess. But this was the very first process I learned when I started my hypnosis, my hypnosis adventure. I didn't realize at the time that it was also an NLP process. I was taught by this lovely guy called as if. As if. I always remember that because in NLP we act as if. And he acted so wonderfully friendly. He was a great mate at that time. So if he ever listens to this. Thank you. As if you m set the ball rolling. But anyway, what was this process I learned? What was the process I did to change? Well, I want to do it consciously. So would you like to do it with me? Because you probably have a behaviour or two you'd like to change, wouldn't you? Bit like, maybe you a bit like me snapping. You know, you didn't like that, the way you reacted. Think of something like that. Now we know you know you want a better way. So here's the thing. First thing to think about is and if you've got a piece of paper and a pen, it'll be good or a pencil colour cray if you're that way inclined. But think of this though and then only reason I say write it down is because then when we move on there's three steps or maybe four or five, maybe six, who knows. But there's a few steps and sometimes writing this down means you don't forget it. I want you to remember. So here's the first thing to remember and to recall. What would be a better belief to have. Now I don't know what your belief is or I didn't know what my belief was when I was snapping, but I didn't care. I just wanted a better belief because I knew whatever belief that was, it wasn't working. So what I thought was what would be a better belief to hold if I could. And what I came up was, came up with was get your words right. Cloughie was. I'm Okay. It's just words. They're just words. I thought, hey, that's it. It doesn't have to be these wonderful things, your affirmations. No, I'm okay. They're just words. Yeah. I could take that one, on. So I wrote down, I'm okay, it's just words. They're just words. And because it came from. Where did that come from though? You see, consciously, I think it came from my conscious mind. But I have already asked my unconscious mind, can we find a better way? And I think that whatever you think tends to come from the unconscious mind. That just my belief because ed is words. So that was a good belief. I thought, I’d have yeah, certainly be good, wouldn't it? Instead of snapping, realising I'm okay, they're just words. It's just words because I'm okay, I'm safe. Ah. And that's just a belief. Awesome.

 

 

I wanted to think of what emotions could I use instead of the old ones

 

Now, what was the second step? Well, I wanted to think of what emotions could I use instead of the old ones. And again, I didn't really want toa explore the emotions that I was using, which was like anger. I didn't want to go through that. I just thought, well, what would be good ones to have in that scenario in that context? And I had a little thing and I thought, well, calmness might be quite good. I never think of calmness right now I can feel calmed. And when I feel calm, I feel quite grounded, I thought. So I put the two together, you know, calmness and grounded. Because if I was calm and grounded, I would t I wouldn't be able to react like that old way. It'd be a lot better, wouldn't it? But I wanted three. So I thought, let's think of another one. Think of enough. And I thought curiosity to be curious. Because when you're curious, it's as if you step outside your body a little bit, isn't it? Because you're thinking about what is happening outside and not inside. And the curiosity lend its way to something, like what's really behind this? What's really behind what's being said? Cause sometimes, Well, I was taking it as an affront, an attack. And sometimes it was just a simple question. I realize that now when I look back at those bloody situations. But at the time I thought it was an attack. So being curious, what's really being said m that would have been a better emotion, to have, wouldn't it? Curiosity. It's allgh also like a behaviour. But you have to feel curious first before you can behave. Curious, I guess. And what was another one? I wanted three. You see, I like threes. And I thought what would happen if I had like a connection, if I could keep that connection with people? Cause then if I had a connection, a good connection. I thought what would that mean? It would mean I'd be at peace, I'd a be at peace with this because if I found out my curiosity, what's really being said and I was calm and grounded. Bloody hell. Awesome wouldn't it? So in some ways whilst I ve found three different emotions I've even thought about how they would change my behaviour but then I thought to myself this is the process where I also want to think about how I'd like to behave differently. New behaviours, better behaviours because they’ve got to be better. No point in doing. Your unconscious mind is not going to take on a new behavioior if it's worse than the one that it's using it what would be the point? So I thought to myself well what do I know? What have I heard? What have I think? What have I learned about any of this? And it jumped into my mind. He said Cloughie, you always talk about pausing first, you know that's right and you've heard it through other people like taking a second, two second breath. Talked about that a little while ago how that can just put you in the right state. State is an emotion and the emotion is connected to that belief I guess or supported by it. So yeah I thought that's a good alternative because that's one thing I wasn't doing was it? I was snapping and snapping is boom. I was at it. So pausing before reacting, taking a breath, two seconds, that would be good. And I thought well that's a good one but what else, what else would be good? And I thought well what would happen if I just listened but listen with an inner smile. And that seemed to work with me because listening is a behavior, it goes with that pausing but also listening with an inner smile gave me another type of emotion and the inner smile in some ways gave me connection and made me calm. So you can see how're interlinking now I didn't at the time by the way I'm only recognizising it now as I'm looking at some of the notes I made because I write things down, write that sucker down. We've talked about that so many times but that's only two. Remember I've got pausing, listening with an inner smile. What could be a third one? And I thought be inquisitive, behave you know from that listening, be inquisitive. What do they really want? What's going on behind this? Oh that's like curiosity isn't it curiosity, inquisitive. So I'm not just feeling curious, I'm actually being inquisitive. I'm asking the behavior of asking, what is it you really want? This is the way I understand it. Am I getting it right? You said this, but is that really what you mean? Or this is the meaning I get. Have I got it completely around my neck? But you can see how they tend to work. So I've got an new but belief. Yeah, you remember that one. I'm, Okay, it's just words. That's all it is, just words. They're just words. I've got my three emotions. Calmness, curiosity, connection, which is like grounded. Understanding what's really being said and being at peace with this. Then I'm my new three behaviourss. Pausing two seconds, taking a breath, listening with it. Inn a smile and being inquisitive. Actively asking after actively listening. Shit, this is so bloody common sense, isn't it? But isn't that like common sense? Isn't that common? And these answers are hiding in plain bloody sight and they always are. by the way, if it's complicated, it's probably complicated, and complicated is too complicated. So we break them down to the easy, manageable steps. Simple steps doesn't make it. When they're easy and simple, you still have to do them. So it takes effort, we know that, but they're not difficult, just an effort to do this thing.

 

 

Put these beliefs into your unconscious mind and see what happens

 

So how’ do you put these into your unconscious mind? Well, we said before, your unconscious mind is always listening and listening with all its senses. So if you were to imagine a new scene, it would have to watch, wouldn't it watch with you? You could imagine it happening. So what you think of is, well, let's take the next seven days. Cause for me, this wasn't happening once a month, it was happening most days, which is what? And sometimes more than once in a day, which is really pissing me off. It was pissing other people off, by the way, big time. Which then made me feel guilty and ashamed and all that stuff. Not good thing. So I thought, okay, if this type of reaction, this behavior, the old behavior, by the way, was to happen in the next seven days, let's imagine it happening. But using and accessing that new belief, I'm, Okay, it's just words. 1. Just one of those new emotions and just one of those new behaviour. Those better behavurs. Only one of each're not. Again, simple, simple, simple. We're not trying to make a bloody recipe. Just the three simple things. So what would happen now? You can do this with me if you like. Just remember, if you're going to close your eyes, it's not hypnosis, like I said, it's not doing hypnosis. But going inside is a little bit. And if you're closing your eyes, you don't want to be walking, dear. You don't want to be doing anything. You don't need anything that needs your attention. You know that. I have to say that, you know, I'm a therapist, you're a therapist, but this is so positive. So if you were to close your eyes, if you were to close your eyes right now and imagine sometime in the next seven days, not that it would happen, but if it did happen, that old situation, imagine now instead of the old way, you have that wonderful belief. For me, I'm okay. It's just words. These are just words. And then I was calm, so I got to feel calm. And I paused, I took a breath and paused. And then I said something. And I noticed in my imagination I said something totally different than what I would have said in the past or what I had said in the past. And I said something like, I don't understand or can you help me? He I don't know what it was, but I just said something that just diffus a situation. And I thought, wow, wow, that is so different. And how do I feel now? Well, I feel good. And if I played out in my imagination, the result of me being like that, everything was so much different. Everything was so much nicer. I know nice is a nice word, but it was so different. And guess what? I got connected. And guess what? I felt peace with that. And I listened and I felt that inn aile. They all seemed to come together. It's weird. And that was it. And I say into my unconscious mind, I think this is a better way, isn't it? I feel better. I wasn't attacked. And then if I was being attacked, I'd find out about what that person meant because they're just words, get what's behind it. And it would have been different as well because they didn't have to fight it. It wasn't a fight or flight situation, was it? Not as in the past, knew my best friend was protecting me with fight flight. But it wasn't that situation. And now we found a better way. And I always like to finish off with these words, you know, to my best friend. What about this? Or something better? Would it be okay to use these new ways in place of the old Ways because they work better. H and then I thought, well, I like threes, don't I? I like threes apart from the belief. You can have a set of beliefs, but like one belief and then three threes of everything else. So I thought, well, let's do that a couple more times. Let's imagine if it happened in the next seven days, but in a different way, because they do and it did. Different situation, but the same in the past, the same old reaction. And I imagined something like that happening in the future. I don't put a day or time on it, but sometime in the next seven days. Not that it would happen. I always say to myself, not that it would happen, but if it did, and I'd remember that belief. I'm okay, just words. These are just words. And then I'd pick, well, let's pick curiosity. Let's be curious. And with that state of curiosity, I'm gonna listen and have that inner smile. That's that new behavior.

 

 

Imagine if we used these new ways in place of the old ways

 

Oh, I could see myself being different. Suddenly felt different. Even in my imagination. I felt because I was in that scene again, I'd actually made that scene in my mind. I was in it. I wasn't watching it. I was in it this time. And when I listened, it allowed me to carry on doing different things. And guess what? I got inquisitive. I got to question. And I wasn't rushing as if I was naturally pausing. And because I was actively listening, I wasn't reacting. Certainly reacting. The older, my reaction was to listen. And because I had an inner smile. Do you know what? That feeling seemed to create a connection with that person. And again, a different result, a better result. They saw something better. What would it be like if we used these new ways in place of the old ways? M Anyway, threes. Remember threes. So I did it again. Imagine if something happened from the past in the next seven days. Not that it would, but if it did, what would happen if I used that? O this, is an old belief now, not the new belief. It's called an old belief because I've got it done it twice. I'm okay. Just words. They're just words. And I just picked another behaviour and another emotion. Try to get connection. Just be at peace, let things happen. And, being at peace and looking for the connection, it was already I was pausing, I was breathing differently and being at peace. And because I had that connection, it was if I was getting to understand what was really going on, what was going behind this. Because I then asked and I don't know if I'm getting this right, but you seem upset. And this isn't the type of thing to get upset by. Are you upset by something different? What have I done? And I tend to find out it wasn't me, which is a bit of a lifesaver sometimes it was, by the way, but a lot of the times it wasn't me. It was just they had their own shit and it was coming out on me. And once I just asked, things just diffuse itself. This or something better. You, my best friend, would it be, okay to use these new ways in place of the old ways? And you get a good feeling, which is to me is like your unconscious mind going, yeah, Cloughie, I think this is a better way. And here's what I do. Then I say to my unconscious mind, you know, I picked the belief that, I think came from you. I picked three emotions. They were conscious. They were conscious and I wrote them down. And I picked three behavurs I thought would be better. But you, my unconscious mind, you have a bucket full of positive emotions. You have a bucket full of positive behaviors that you know work from past experience. Would it be okay to be able to access them as well? Because if you could find an even better emotion, a better behavior than the three that I picked, would it be okay to use them and more? Replace the old ways with these new ways. Keep the intention. And that's the thing you always remind your unconscious mind. I want that intention. I want to keep safe. Because if there is any ever time that I need to fight or I need to flight, flee, you've still got that in your repertoire. But at the moment we've got these wonderful new behaviors. The intention stays. I want you to keep me safe. Then what you do, you let it go. Feels good. And if you wanted to, if you wanted to every now and again, if you want to help your unconscious mind to remember, rinse and repeat, do it again. You can go back to these original three new emotions and behaviors, or you can add more in. Or if you get a different situation, you can do this as well. Because it just works. And the result is, and I wrote in capital let boom. And you're working with your unconscious mind. And that's why I this is like an alignment. Because when you're behaving in a way that doesn't feel good, it means you're out of alignment. You're not being congrueentt to who you really are. You're not in. Don't call it balance, but you're not in harmony because harmony is that flow, flow between your emotions, your behaviours and feeling good, feeling comfortable. Because when you feel comfortable you feel safe and when you feel comfortable you can do anything because you know you've got your unconscious mind, it's got your back've always got your back, your best friend has your back with for every breath that you take and then you just feel grateful. So that's it, that's what we did or that's what I did changed the behavior. And sometimes I do find that you. I'm not going to say it works 100% all the time but I find it's like a work in progress. Sometimes I have to revisit it and just help my unconscious mind change and remind it there's better ways. That's what happens. But the more I do that the more it becomes a habit in place of the old habit, these new ways and then you new norm. But life just gets better because it's all positive. So what do we do? Very quickly we acknowledged that things aren't quite right. We acknowledge the intention. We ask could we find a better way Thought of a wonderful supporting positive belief. We thought of emotions that be better than the old ones. And emotions are always, they're readily available but we also always say about the behaviors when we think of new behaviors to have them readily available. So you don't have to learn a skill to be able to use them. And they have to be healthy because what you don't want is oh well I'll start taking up alcohol, drinking, drugs and all that stuff. Alcohol is drinking is the same thing, isn't it?

 

 

Paul Clough recommends six step reframe to help you change negative behaviors

 

Yeah but alcohol, drugs and all, anything negative. So they've got to be healthy alternatives because they're better behaviors. But once you get that in mind, you know that was just like a little post note. We just get on and create the life we really want. The life that we, you know, we're owed, not owed, deserve making on this little old planet to make a difference but to make a difference by being who we really are. There you go. Hope you enjoyed that. Did it make sense? Did it make sense? For those who want to know what that process was, it's called a six step reframe. That's what we call it in nlp. Some people don't use it anymore but it just simply bloody works as long as they're healthy and you get your whole of your unconscious mind, you know, coming and committing to that. Not just parts. Okay, that's it from me. Hope you enjoyed it longer podcast. I think I've gone on a bit again. But it's so good, so good. Maybe I'll do this in a hypnosis track again. But we'll see. We'll see. If you want any more information about that or any NLP processes or hypnotic processes, or if you have an issue that you'd like me to dive into to help you to create something different in your life positively, remember I'm a therapist, but not your therapist. But I can find things that will allow, well, which will guide you and help you because that's what I'm here for. That, that's my little mission and it's coming clearer to me every day. So please do that. How do you do that? You email me [email protected] if you want some hypnosis tracks, I've got 70 of the buggers. They're all complimentary. Where'd you get them from? Cloughie? You get them from paulluonline.com podcast. You'll find loads there. And if you want to know which ones to use again, email me on the previous email what I told you about feedback at personal development unplugged.com ye I nearly forgot it. And having done all of that, if you would, why don't you pick a new behavior And a new behavior is an an emotion and I belief that says you know what, it's so good to share this information. It is. I can feel so wonderful and connected when I share this and my my behavior is to share this episode, this podcast with everyone I know and I'm go going to subscribe and follow. There you go. That would be pretty good to this friend. Anyway, they I don't why where I'm going. I do know where I'm going. I'm going for a cup of coffee. Have fun, more fun than you can stand. Wallow in wonderful joy, happiness and love and getting soppy. It's time to fly, my friend. Bye bye.

 

Warning you are now leaving the unplugged mind of Paul Clough. It's time to fly on your own. Be brave my friend.

 

Personal development unplugged.

Personal development [self improvement] [self development] [NLP] [Hypnosis]