3 Steps to Healthy Boundaries

A boundary is a limit or space between you and another person. It is a clear place where you begin and the other person ends, physically, mentally, energetically and spiritually. 

The purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of yourself at all levels of being.

Do you have unhealthy boundaries? Unhealthy boundaries involve a disregard for your own and/or others' values, wants, needs, and limits. Unhealthy boundaries can also lead to dysfunctional and potentially abusive relationships. 

I’m going to ask a few questions that will help you determine where you have weak boundaries or at least boundaries that need to be strengthened. As I go through these questions, be honest with your feelings-does the question resonate with you, or do you have that area covered?

Do you really hate to “let people down?” This can be exemplified by feeling guilty by saying no, so you say yes; or you fear what someone will think of you for saying no; or you give away more of your time than you want, and this prevents you from having time for self-care? 

Or you are so rooted in being a “people pleaser” that interactions don’t necessarily make you feel guilty, but you find your mood is often underpinned by a level of anxiety with no obvious cause? Could it stem from a deep feeling of being rejected or abandoned?

Does this sound familiar?

How do you share your personal information? Those with unhealthy boundaries often “overshare” about their personal information in an attempt to impress the other person, or to make the other person feel special to know so much about you. However, being an open book can demonstrate to the other person that you are desperate to be liked or may not be trustworthy about personal information and with whom it is shared.

Or you may not share at all. Sometimes this is because you you’ve been burned in the past, or you are afraid to let someone know you because you’re not sure you know yourself anymore.

Does this sound familiar?

How do your relationships play out in your life? Do you find that your relationships are fraught with drama? A lack of boundaries can signal others that you obviously don’t know how to take care of yourself This leaves you open to those who want to control you. This may result in codependent relationships or a feeling that you are giving a whole lot more than you are receiving from the relationship. You begin to feel a lack of respect, so you try harder to be “nice” and to make the other person happy. I want to tell you that you are not responsible for creating happiness in any other person! 

Does this sound familiar?

Do you sometimes feel you’re being “used?” Manipulators seek people to use for their benefit, and many have learned how to flatter you, give you what you want with the goal of taking it back later. Whenever you begin to feel that you are being used, you probably are!

This may result in depression, anxiety, or a feeling of exhaustion from suppressing feelings of inadequacy and/or resentment. 

Inadequacy can present as an inability to make life decisions; or you feel like you must try harder to “earn” respect by being extra nice; or you fear speaking up or disagreeing with the other person. This inadequacy can lead to a sense of victimhood. Your life feels out of balance, and you no longer feel that you know what you need from life. Your dreams and life’s purpose feel inaccessible, and a part of you may even believe that you didn’t deserve them anyway. 

At this point resentment begins to build, and you may start blaming others for your feelings. This is a way of not facing up to the fact that you didn’t set a boundary, but you have given away your power to set a boundary with the other person.

Resentment may show up as unexplained anger over small things. You’re angry that it’s raining when you expected sun – a metaphor for looking at things that are not in your control but are making you angry.

It may show up as passive aggressive behaviors. First you let others take the advantage. Then you try to manipulate back the energy and power you have lost by nagging the other person, or complaining about them to others, or even punishing them in little ways. 

If resentment continues to build, it can even show up as self-destructive, numbing behaviors such as addictive behaviors, or isolating oneself from others.

So, does any of this sound familiar? 

To be open and honest, and without oversharing, I want you to know that I have been that person who exemplifies these concepts of unhealthy boundaries for a good portion of my life!

I was severely bullied in grade school. My brother and sister were both gone from the house when I was 8 and my parents were both working, and because we lived in a very rural area, I had no one to support me. And when I was young, any support that would have come would have been in the form of “toughen up.”

I have had weight issues with my weight yo-yoing up and down throughout my life. This often made me feel “unliked and different” from what is considered “desirable.” 

I became an over-achiever, trying to prove myself. I became a people pleaser to show that I was good enough. I have spent countless hours, probably years, wondering what people thought of me and trying to mold myself into someone who deserved respect!

There are still remnants of that person within me. Those samskaras, or thought patterns lying in the subconscious mind, are actively being managed and better ones are growing. At this point in my life, I feel that the real me is more than “good enough,” and if someone thinks badly about me, that says more about them than me, and I am only interested in molding myself into the best version of myself through self-acceptance, self-care, and self-respect. 

A big part of my evolution is by finding the boundaries that have eluded me for most of my life. Now I want to share three steps that may also help you create healthier boundaries. 

First, you will need the energy to do the work. Life is all about prana, your life force or energy. If you feel tired with no apparent reason you are using your energy in your relationships with others more than in relationship to yourself.

Anxiety, depression, resentment, and anger are emotions that are exhausting! To bring the emotions into balance requires developing an awareness of how you use your energy, your prana. Are you overcommitting to others? Begin to dedicate a certain amount of time each day to commit to self-care.

Don’t confuse self-care with “hiding” from life. Lying on the couch, eating a bag of chips and watching TV, or spending hours on social media are not forms of self-care. Doing a short meditation each day, or some breathing practices, or walking for 20-30 minutes each day outside regardless of weather or cooking a nourishing meal – something that “feeds” your body, energy, mind, and spirit. 

Begin to listen to your body’s signals when you are around other people. Do you feel a subtle sense of contraction? A shrinking of your energy field? This is not a good sign. When I feel this around someone, I might be aware I’ve felt it before with that person and I need to evaluate how the interaction leaves me feeling. If I feel that the person has “sucked” my energy, I know I need to develop stronger boundaries with that person. If the feeling continues, then it may be necessary to psychologically distance myself from that person. Distancing yourself from people who just don’t get you and cannot appreciate your kindness is important. You owe them nothing, and you don’t need to stick around and be manipulated.

If your body signals an expansion of your energy field, then this person can be a positive force in your life provided that they are not just trying to please you, flatter you or build you up to gain some control. 

Basically, learn to listen for a “whole body yes” signal.

This is one reason that the meditation practice of Antar Mouna can be such a useful practice to cultivate better awareness of our body’s sensations as well as seeing the convolutions of our thoughts and the emotions behind them. I encourage you to download the practices of Antar Mouna from my website swamiatmarupa.com.

As you become more aware of your energy and thoughts, then begin to create your life through choices and discipline. Make one choice that will start you on the path to the life you need. Just one. You can always make another one after you embody the first. 

Choose that one thing and once you have chosen, realize that if you start making excuses for not doing that one thing, you have not really chosen it. When you say yes to your excuse, you are saying no your choice. Remind yourself, “I have chosen to do this for x amount of time per day and x numbers of days per week. No excuses.” 

I suggest with committing to at least 4 out of 7 days, otherwise you are doing it less often than you are actually doing it! Things will only change when you do something more often than not doing it! You developed the self-defeating samskaras from doing it over and over again. The only way you can change is to practice self-affirming samskaras over and over again.

I recently did a podcast on discipline, and you may with to listen to that or review it again.

Step three is to practice setting boundaries. In our yoga teacher training program, we had a module on student support skills. One of the exercises was to have one student play the role of teacher and they were only allowed to say, “No” to whatever the student asked of them. No further explanation. Only no. The student who played the role of the teacher’s student was told to ask the teacher for something inappropriate. They then practiced the exercise. Every student who was confined to answer “No” was visibly uncomfortable in the situation as the other student pressured more and more, even though they all knew it was role playing! This can be a good exercise for you to try and as you do, pay attention to the bodily sensations and mental patterns arising. And how you feel after.

You can also be aware of what happens when you “give in.”

Obviously, most boundaries aren’t that simple, but it’s a good place to start.

The process of setting healthy boundaries means:

1. define what you need that you’re not getting
2. communicate what you need
   1. I felt really ____ when this happened
   2. I feel ___ when you
3. don’t overexplain – keep it simple, use I statements
   1. I know that you ___
   2. You made me ___
   3. You always ___ to me or at me
4. don’t accuse – take the other’s feelings into consideration
   1. I need this to ___
   2. If this isn’t possible, I will ___
5. set consequences – say why it’s important
6. show gratitude and honesty – thank for listening, and if there is still disagreement, suggest we can agree to disagree

Results of healthy boundaries

1. good mental health
2. good emotional health
3. developed autonomy
4. developed identity
5. avoid burnout
6. influence others’ behavior

A person with strong boundaries understands that it's unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100% and fulfill every need the other has. A person with strong boundaries must understand that they may hurt someone's feelings sometimes, but ultimately, it’s important to remember that you can't determine how other people feel.