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#116 - Unique Snowflakes & Boundaries

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Release Date: 12/09/2020

#143 - 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part II) show art #143 - 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part II)

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Last week, I talked about the first two of the four essentials for mastering boundaries: “Who’s Got the Power?” and “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.” (If these don’t sound familiar, I recommend going back to listen to Episode 142.) This week, I’ll cover the third and fourth essentials: “Live and Let Live,” and “Change (So That I Can Feel Better).”

info_outline #142 - 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part I) show art #142 - 4 Essentials for Mastering Boundaries (Part I)

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

I’m lucky enough to have been able to give myself the gift of a 27-day sabbatical, which gave me so much clarity into both my personal and professional life. And now that I’m back, I’m inspired to offer some insight about the four common challenges I see across all sorts of boundary questions in various situations. I’ll cover the first two challenges today, and the third and fourth next week.

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Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

People have a lot of misconceptions about boundaries. You may hear people say that boundaries are harsh, rigid, a punishment, or even selfish. Some people even believe that sharing boundaries is a way to control others or tell them what to do. Recently, I’ve heard another misconception: setting a boundary with someone is a sign that you disapprove of them. Tune in to learn why this isn’t the case, and how your boundaries are all about you.

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Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there’s not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what’s the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you.

info_outline #139 - ENCORE - Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries show art #139 - ENCORE - Extreme Self-Care and Boundaries

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

At some point, all of us will have experiences that require us to focus our attention on ourselves in an intense way. For example, an advanced cancer diagnosis, an accident, or shocking news may require you to go into extreme self-care. This is the kind of self-care I’ve been practicing for the last several weeks, and why there was a gap between Episode #49 and #50. I’m so glad to be back!

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Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Today’s episode is all about rest, rejuvenation, and boundaries, which absolutely relate to one another! I’ll explain why rest is so important and why it’s so difficult to unplug in our uber-connected, device saturated world. I’ll also give you some tips on how to truly rest and enter into states of being rather than doing, and why rest is crucial for health, creativity, and even productivity.

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Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Are you ready to trade your triangles for straight lines? Don’t worry, you’re not back in geometry class; this is actually related to the talking boundary. Triangulation is something that we do all the time, but we should all work toward straightening out those lines and practicing direct communication whenever possible. (There are a few notable exceptions, which I’ll also address in this episode.)

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Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

People in your life may be facing a variety of dangers, from mental health issues or suicidal urges to addiction or unsafe behavior. But today, I’ll focus on a specific type of danger: physically or sexually abusive relationships. It’s painful to know (or suspect) that a loved one is in a relationship like this, but it’s also tough to know what to do. I’ll give you some specific advice on how to proceed—and what to avoid doing.

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Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Before we start, I’d like to offer you a quick apology! You may not have been able to find the earliest episodes of the show because of a mistake in the podcast settings on the back end. That’s fixed now, and you should be able to access all of the episodes again. And now, onto today’s subject! If you have an ex, especially if you’re co-parenting with them, I’m guessing you’ve had a problem with your ex misbehaving. So what do you do? Tune in to find out!

info_outline #134 - Using the Talking Format (Part 3 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary) show art #134 - Using the Talking Format (Part 3 of a Deeper Dive Into the Talking Boundary)

Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Are you ready for the third part of my series on the talking boundary? This one is all about a specific process from the work of Pia Mellody: the Talking Format. This strategy is a roadmap around how to share information with another person, and is ideal for challenging conversations. If you’ve ever found yourself struggling with how to express yourself effectively in a difficult interpersonal situation, don’t miss this episode!

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More Episodes

People tend to see their situations as special or unique, when in reality, that’s not the case most of the time. But we often get tripped up around exceptionalism when it comes to our boundaries. There are two common “unique snowflake” traps that we all fall into, and I’ll dig into both of them today. Remember that even though your situation may feel exceptional, the principles of the boundary work involved are the same.

 

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #116:

  • The “unique snowflake trap” is the belief that there’s something unique about your situation that makes your boundary challenge or question unique or different from the standard principles.
  • A common example of this is believing that boundaries are different with different people. In fact, boundaries with family members work exactly the same way as they do with other people. You still get to decide how you want to respond.
  • Another common example sounds something like, “You just don’t understand. This person is different.” While this may feel true, the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier still works for this situation.

 

Highlights from Episode #116:

  • Vicki welcomes listeners to Episode 116, which will be about snowflakes and boundaries. We start off by learning about the history of the term “snowflake.” [00:39]
  • We hear about the “unique snowflake trap,” which is one of the common things that trips people up around creating boundaries. [03:43]
  • Vicki discusses whether boundaries are different depending on the role that different people have in your life. [05:02]
  • You can decide that it’s okay with you if someone has a right to your body, but no one else gets to decide that for you. This illustrates Vicki’s point around family boundaries. [08:32]
  • The second “unique snowflake” dynamic that Vicki talks about is some variation on “you just don’t understand; this person is different/an exception.” [09:49]
  • Vicki digs into how the “unique snowflake” trap relates to the belief that getting someone else to change is the way to be happier or get our needs met. [13:56]

 

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