7lb Lobsters

America's Only Podcast

Episode 3670: The Schneider Cut 04/03/2024

Episode 3670: The Schneider Cut We take the tank down from a blistering boil to a soulful simmer as the Brothers Lobster contemplate the historical moment we’re living through. You know, the one where we’ve all gone insane in a profoundly antisocial way and no one is coming to save us. Unless, of course, we finally pull the trigger and implement the Biden Instrumentation Project. Do you want to become one with Joe Biden? To be of one mind and Biden and soul? It’s something that feels really good. Come on, man. Relax and release your soul to Biden, Jack! Our ice cream cones will meld together! No sports this episode. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/30656193

Episode 3669: Eternal Fetish of the Shameless Mind 02/27/2024

Episode 3669: Eternal Fetish of the Shameless Mind In our first installment for 2024, we return to the tank to take a look at everything that’s been plaguing our weak and stupid nation as of late: the pirate crisis at the border, the reduction of Rogue’s once robust cake in the new X-Men series, the proliferation of A.I. across all of our beloved forms of media, the ruinous effect the internet has on the brains of boomers everywhere, and finally, the worst important election of our lifetimes. It’s a new year filled with unspeakable horrors ahead, but Connor, Mike and Ray will be here to ride it out with you. This tank takes no prisoners. In fact, it forcibly ejects them whenever they’re supposed to be on trial for any one of their 98 indictments. SIDENOTE: We did not get around to talking about sports in this episode, but we will in the next one. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/30129578

Episode #3669: Now I Am Become Bob Iger, Destroyer of Worlds 09/15/2023

Episode #3669: Now I Am Become Bob Iger, Destroyer of Worlds Take a break from all of the nationwide record-breaking heatwaves and come cool off with the boys in the tank for a breakdown of this summer’s biggest bombs, biggest Barbies, and biggest blockbuster budgets! ALSO: Can any one of the increasing amount of challenges we have to face be overcome or are we all just too tired? Find out right motherfucking now on this veritable futurelessness-arama of an episode of 7-motherfucking-lb Lobsters, motherfucker! /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/28038657

Episode 3668: NBA Championship Odds & Predictions 06/08/2023

Episode 3668: NBA Championship Odds & Predictions This month’s episode is all about basketball as we head into Game One of the NBA Finals. And you know what? It’s another banger. Better butter up these lobsters because they’re on a roll. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/27075942

Episode 3667: Gays In Disgust 04/20/2023

Episode 3667: Gays In Disgust The boys are back in the tank to settle the raging debate that’s so thoroughly gripped our fragile nation: Is the new Super Mario Bros. movie woke – or not? Surprises are in store as old questions get new answers, old answers raise new questions, and no new answer goes oldly unquestioned in our most important and topical and timely and urgent and contemporary and important and relevant and important episode to date! It’s a Super Mario Bros. super show, and it’s all happening right here, right now, on 7 fucking lb fucking Lobsters! /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/26594568

Episode 3666: First Wives Guys Club 03/23/2023

Episode 3666: First Wives Guys Club This episode is our Black Panther. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/26311830

Episode 3665: We’re Back! 01/25/2022

Episode 3665: We’re Back! Welcome back, Claw Nation! We have finally returned from our first ever break in the show’s eleven year history at the direct orders of the CDC! A new year is upon us, but a lot of things still feel the same. The Matrix is back, Sex and the City is back, and even COVID is back in a big and exciting way. But this is a time where children are having conversations with Siris, zoomers aren’t going outside, and everyone seems to have forgotten the awesome yet undervalued power of Kid Vid. However, our tank still stands tall and sturdy, and the lobster crew is still here to help you navigate the treacherous and uncertain waters of 2022…and beyond. Mike’s internet kept going in and out on this one. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/21885425

EPISODE 3664: Ted Talks 10/19/2021

EPISODE 3664: Ted Talks It would appear that the scientific fact of planets revolving around the sun in elliptical orbits has finally come back to haunt us. That opening sentence will either make more or less sense when you listen to the episode. The big takeaway is we’re all just going around in circles until we die, and frankly, it’s starting to get to us. At the very least, we’ll have some fantastic entertainment on our cyclical path to imminent demise. And the more zonked out we can get on alcohol, adderall, or saturated fats, the more we can enjoy films like The Matrix 4, or Ted 3, the second of which we make a case for to both Hollywood and Seth MacFarlane here. But we need you to donate to our Kickstarter or Patreon or GoFundMe or whatever to make Ted 3 happen, which you will do because what the hell else are you gonna do? Something else? Don’t make us laugh. That’s what Ted 3 is for. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/20864906

EPISODE #3663: Deus Ex Bigalow: Male Gigolobot 09/13/2021

EPISODE #3663: Deus Ex Bigalow: Male Gigolobot America is more of a developing nation than a developed nation at this point, but hey, at least we’re getting out of Afghanistan and back into horse semen, or whatever it is the boomers are injecting into themselves instead of the COVID vaccine. And by the way, it would have been nice to have been compensated for injecting the COVID vaccine into ourselves for all of us who already did it, especially when we could have been injecting more harmful stuff like horse semen instead. But we can’t be too bitter when we still have America’s only developed podcast, and you won’t be too bitter when you listen to our banger of a movie pitch that only needs millions of your hard-earned dollars to finance. You can give us those dollars on our Patreon, and don’t worry, we have incentives for you to do so. After all, our supply of horse semen isn’t just gonna give away and inject itself! /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/20449034

EPISODE #3662: Space Jam World: A Nightmare 07/19/2021

EPISODE #3662: Space Jam World: A Nightmare COVID is back on the rise, Congress can’t agree on anything, and our beautiful billionaires are jetting off to space with beautiful boys. But let’s not let any of those things distract us from why we’re all here: the long-awaited Space Jam: A New Legacy just dropped in theaters (and on HBO Max, watch it now on HBO Max) this weekend. Of course, we all saw it in advance and we’re gonna give you the full rundown of our exclusive Warner Bros. Galaxy Premiere experience, as well as our thoughts on the film itself. This is the one you’ve been waiting for, and no, you won’t listen to a better podcast this year. See you on the court. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/19851815

FROM THE TANK: Episode 1041: Guardians of the Galaxy of Peace 06/29/2021

FROM THE TANK: Episode 1041: Guardians of the Galaxy of Peace [originally recorded December 17, 2014] Great news, lobster freaks! We recently recovered an episode long believed to be deleted as part of a major data breach the tank suffered in December of 2014 at the hacking hands of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Or Guardians of Peace, whatever. Our major data breach was not unlike the major data breach Sony also suffered around the same time, which ultimately resulted in them pulling the unforgettable timeless classic James Franco-Seth Rogen satire “The Interview” from theaters. Fun fact: The Sony data breach was also caused by the hacking hands of the Guardians of the Peace of the Galaxy guys. Or was it? Listen to this long-lost episode – recorded just one week after our famous “Our Week with Barry” episode wherein we interviewed then-president Barack Obama* - to find out! *this episode was actually deleted in the major data breach and as of this date has not been recovered /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/19641023

EPISODE #3661: An Incident at Spanish Town 05/31/2021

EPISODE #3661: An Incident at Spanish Town We want to send our kids to Iraq, not Pride. Another hit episode brought to you by Raytheon, Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin, Nabisco, Nestle, Walmart, Target Corporation, Google, WarnerMedia, Halliburton, Disney, Amazon, Facebook, Anheuser-Busch, Restaurant Brands International, McDonald’s, Hasbro, SEAL Team Six, Pepperidge Farm, Chik-fil-A, World Wrestling Entertainment Inc., Imperial Tobacco, Spotify, Tesla, Navient, Frito-Lay, The Coca-Cola Company, PepsiCo, Doctor’s Associates Inc., Bristol Myers Squibb, Abbott Laboratories, Purdue Pharma, Yum! Brands, Yum China, Microsoft, Dow Chemical, Sony, Apple, Chevron, ExxonMobil, Royal Dutch Shell, Daddy’s Little Satans, NBCUniversal, Comcast, the NBA, and our Patreon. Donate to our Patreon: . /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/19296497

EPISODE #3660: Twenty Years of Shrek! 05/19/2021

EPISODE #3660: Twenty Years of Shrek! The tank is turning up this week to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of Shrek, one of the most beloved and important animated films of all time. We all share our own stories about how experiencing Quibi founder Jeffrey Katzenberg’s uncompromising vision for the first time on May 18, 2001 changed us forever and made us believers, along with the rest of our generation and animated cinema itself. A course is charted through the four Shrek films that would see theatrical release and we reveal many Shrek secrets along the way, culminating in the reveal that we recently received an official copy of the unproduced script for Shrek 5 (or 5hrek 5 per the script’s authorless title page), and recap it for you, our loyal listeners! It’s a huge boon to all of us ogre-achievers who are still out there and a distinct honor to share this Shrek-citing piece of unmade movie magic with our entire 7lb army in honor of the big green guy’s big green birthday. Yes, it’s hard to believe that 20 years have passed since Shrek first graced the silver screen, but this episode proves beyond a shadow of a doubt all that still glitters is still gold, and it only took a film like Shrek to break the mold. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/19157525

FROM THE TANK: EPISODE #1534: CONNOR’S DEAD GIRLFRIEND 05/11/2021

FROM THE TANK: EPISODE #1534: CONNOR’S DEAD GIRLFRIEND [originally recorded March 14, 2016] Wow, do we ever have a special surprise in store for you this week, Claw Nation! That’s right - we’re finally legally allowed to release the infamous “Connor’s Dead Girlfriend” episode from the tank! As any avid lobster listener will tell you, this slice of 7lb history aired only once before on March 14, 2016 as part of our annual 24 Hours of Lobsters livestream on Twitch and was immediately taken down due to the ongoing investigation into the murder of Connor’s dead girlfriend. Now after five long years, we are pleased to announce to the world that this investigation has officially become a cold-case, and is no longer being worked by any law enforcement agencies operating within the United States of America! So while we may never uncover the true identity of Connor’s dead girlfriend’s murderer, we can now at least listen to the episode where we all found out Connor’s dead girlfriend was murdered - and that sounds like justice to us! And justice to us justice is justice for you, our loyal listeners. Thank you for supporting our show and for all of the contributions you’ve made to the Connor’s Dead Girlfriend Patreon over the years. Speaking of which, the Connor’s Dead Girlfriend Patreon will not be entering cold-case files. It’s still going strong and always ready to take any leads or donations you may have, or just donations. Leads are ultimately no longer necessary as the investigation has entered cold-case files. Please donate* to the Connor’s Dead Girlfriend Patreon today! *money only please, waffles are not and have never been an acceptable form of donation (we’re still looking at you, Belgium) /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/19057076

Episode #3659: In God We Didn’t 05/10/2021

Episode #3659: In God We Didn’t Nobody watches the Oscars anymore and rightly so. It is a strange ceremony that should not be taken seriously. Donald Trump understands this and that’s why he’s a blogger now. Still, he’s fallen pretty far, and it would have been better for us not to mention him since the value of his name can taint the value of our brand. Our brand is worth almost as much as the Chadwick Boseman NFT given out to all 2021 Oscar nominees if you needed any further evidence that the Oscars are a strange ceremony that should not be taken seriously. Anyway, this is a great episode! Listen to it twice if you can! And you will! /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/19039643

EMERGENCY PODCAST: SPACE JAM 2 TRAILER REACTIONS 04/05/2021

EMERGENCY PODCAST: SPACE JAM 2 TRAILER REACTIONS Stop whatever you’re doing right now and watch the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2. Then listen to this emergency podcast. Or listen to this emergency podcast then watch the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2. This emergency podcast was recorded on the same day the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2 was released. Stop whatever you’re doing right now. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18601028

EMERGENCY PODCAST: SPACE JAM 2 TRAILER REACTIONS 04/05/2021

Episode #3657: Winner for Jeremy Renner 03/29/2021

Episode #3657: Winner for Jeremy Renner Mike and Connor go long explaining to Ray the long history of the DCEU and the long list of executive mismanagement misdemeanors that led to the long anticipated release of the long Zack Snyder cut of Justice League. It’s big, it’s bold, it’s the rare triumph of an artist over the soulless corporate studio system, and it still sucks. But at least Zack Snyder and his legions of fans were vindicated in this one instance, while the rest of us are just forced to deal with the way our content culture crumbles, one franchise at a time, until we’re all just watching IP sharing trailers with other IP in whatever new Space Jam movie has been released as an NFT this fiscal quarter. And the Snyder Cut is proof that at some point the Lola Bunny fans will surely have their day when their favorite cartoon bunny to grow up masturbating to has her cartoon bunny boobs restored, bigger than ever before, by the popular demand of an online movement led by, like, James Woods or something. What else can we say, folks? That’s just 2020 for you! /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18501251

Episode #3656: Every Day is Monday When You're a POW 03/29/2021

Episode #3656: Every Day is Monday When You're a POW Welcome back Claw Nation! Frozen lobster Connor has finally completed thawing from the recent Texas Winter Storm, and his first-hand experience with the latest natural disaster gives way to Ray’s first-hand experience with conspiracy theories, none of which we believe, but have successfully used our podcast to spread like fake snow from Ted Cruz’s weather machine. That’s just good business. Much like the business our Worldwide Waning American Empire Foundation routinely conducts for itself as the faces and the heels of our two-party system endlessly argue over which political party’s responsible for preventing the political party in power from doing the things the political party in power has the power to do - unless of course that thing is bombing the shit out of any developing country we’re already occupying - and that’s no conspiracy. Or is it? Conjure up your weak and stupid 5G Patronus, sit back, relax, listen and find out. And also #FreeGarfield. Additionally, to provide much-needed disaster relief to help folks in Texas, you can give to @austinmutualaid on Venmo. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18501143

Episode #3655: Triple Tom 03/29/2021

Episode #3655: Triple Tom No one can contain their excitement for the upcoming BIG FIGHT MOVIE due out on HBO Max and in Max COVID theaters this spring, and we’re placin’ our bets on who’s gonna take it all. You no doubt already know to which movie we are referring, but we also take time to talk sports - specifically the big game - and all of us place admittedly safe bets on Tom Brady to grab the horse by the hose and full throttle ‘er down the field to valhalla where four full R-rated hours of Justice League: The Snyder Cut await exclusively on HBO Max and not in any kind of theaters this spring. So we place our bets on WHICH superhero is gonna say THAT word in THIS version of THE Justice League. Along the way, we conspire to make Marjorie Taylor Greene Connor’s wife so we can give 7lb Lobsters a much-needed boost in the unending series of ebbs and flows that make up the quality control of a long-running podcast. It is what it is but President Biden has promised us that he will be a special guest on the show just as soon as he gets those darn stimulus checks out, and that surely can’t take much longer. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18501056

Episode #3654: Inverted Pump & Dump 03/29/2021

Episode #3654: Inverted Pump & Dump Like most major earth-shaking events since 2011 or so, we find out right away that Ray was directly behind Reddit’s pumpin’ and dumpin’ of GameStop shares and hedge fund scares, another pace-setting game-changer in an infinite list of 7lb Lobster pace-setting game-changers. Buy low, get high, and don’t watch Tenet - the Chris Nolan time travel joint that Ray’s still mad at Connor for making us watch, and probably forever will be, in the past as in the future, amen. The boys take up a lot of time unloading on Tenet for taking up a lot of time, concerning itself with how the future can affect the past and vice versa, all the while ignoring how miserable it makes you in the present. Not entirely unlike congress, whose legislation to raise the minimum wage to $15 per hour in 2025 should have been passed in 2010 so that we could have had a less miserable present in 2021 but like The Shins said in 2001 this is an Oh, Inverted World, and it sucked then, it sucks now, and will continue to suck in the future, just like Tenet. But at least we have the lobsters to lighten the load. We also have Mattress Monthly, a service that delivers a new mattress to your door every month. Go to MATRESS-MONTHLY.COM and get 5% off of your first year’s subscription using promo code LOBSTER at checkout! Listen NOW to find out MORE and BUY a mattress EVERT month THIS month TODAY! /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18500990

Episode #3653: Capitol C For Coup 03/28/2021

Episode #3653: Capitol C For Coup The boys #standbythesteal in this lower key unpacking of 2021’s first two weeks, which include an attempt by swimming pool maintenance business owners to seize control of our nation’s capital for Donald Trump that ultimately resulted in a second impeachment trial for Donald Trump, who was still currently president at the time of this recording and is still currently president at the time of this writing. All of this is well and good if you still care about America for some reason, but the boys have correctly determined that the attempted insurrection and our government’s response to it was all ultimately a pro-wrestling smokeshow to distract from the real tragedy that befell this nation in 2020: Wonder Woman 1984. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18500906

Episode #3652: Hotdog House 03/28/2021

Episode #3652: Hotdog House The boys are fucking stoked about our future. New shows and movies to watch about old favorites on Disney+, Bob Iger potentially becoming an ambassador to China, Cyberpunk 2077 to be released again at some point, and of course, advances in technology that will allow us to determine the exact location of a person from nothing but a picture of them eating a hot dog at a restaurant that just so happens to be posted online. Actually, you can do the last one right now. The future is now and the boys are fucking stoked about it. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18500837

Episode #3652: Hotdog House 03/28/2021

Episode #3651: Hat On A Duck Episode 03/28/2021

Episode #3651: Hat On A Duck Episode The boys come clean about the unfathomably massive amounts of voter fraud Ray successfully committed on the behalf of our next President Joe “Big Mack” Biden as well as on the behalf of America’s Only Podcast for Ten Years Running. We also talk about being on the front lines for the now-famous Hat on a Duck movement and urge you to make a donation to the Hat on a Duck Patreon. You should also donate to our regular Patreon to help us offset the enormous costs we’ve incurred for our canceled 2020 live tour. And finally, if you can find our secret Patreon, and if you have any leads as to the identity of Connor’s girlfriend’s murderer, please donate to that as well in addition to telling us whatever you may know. We’d really like to close the case on this one. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18498647

Episode #3650: 10 Years 03/28/2021

Episode #3650: 10 Years The boys are back in town and the men that they’ve become are here to stay. Connor, Mike, and Ray look back on the past decade doing 7lb Lobsters together, reminiscing on the dizzying highs and terrifying lows they’ve experienced achieving total podcast domination. Memories are shared and laughs are had, but the boymen also take time to cover the greatest American sport in the history of great American sports: The 2020 Presidential Election. Thank you for listening to us the past 10 years of 7lbs and here’s to another 10 years of 7 more. /episode/index/show/7lblobsters/id/18498497

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