Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma
What happens when what you learned about relationships doesn’t help you create the kind of connection you long for—and you’re left wondering: how do I do this differently? Ask Angela is a relationship advice column devoted to answering the questions that arise when you're navigating intimacy after trauma. Hosted by Angela Amias—therapist, writer, and founder of the Institute for Trauma-Informed Relationships—Ask Angela offers honest guidance with deep respect for where you’ve been. Each episode is based on a listener’s letter—raw, true, and deeply human. Angela’s advice weaves together the practical and the poetic, grounded in years of experience helping individuals and couples heal the patterns that keep them stuck. If you’ve ever felt like you’re too much or not enough—or you just can’t figure out why relationships feel so hard—this podcast is for you. Whether the question is about betrayal and trust, communication, emotional connection, or healing after heartbreak, Ask Angela is a space for learning how to untangle the past and build something new. Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
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After 15 years of gaslighting, how can I be sure I wasn’t the problem?
06/29/2025
After 15 years of gaslighting, how can I be sure I wasn’t the problem?
In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who spent 15 years in a marriage marked by gaslighting—and is now left questioning whether he was truly the problem all along. Angela explores: • What gaslighting actually is, and why it’s so damaging • How gaslighting erodes your ability to trust your own reality • Why people who worry about being good are rarely the problem • How internalized voices of abusive partners keep us stuck in cycles of self-doubt • Why proving your goodness never leads to healing—and what to do instead • Practical tools for reclaiming your inner trust and building a compassionate relationship with yourself If you’ve ever struggled to trust yourself after emotional abuse, this episode offers grounded, hopeful guidance for finding your way back to your own heart. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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Why won't my partner take emotional responsibility in our relationship?
06/20/2025
Why won't my partner take emotional responsibility in our relationship?
In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who’s grown through self-reflection and personal responsibility but feels stuck with a spouse who avoids doing the same. Angela explores: • Why trying to convince your partner to change often backfires • The difference between blame and honest self-reflection • What emotional responsibility looks like in healthy relationships • How to speak your truth without getting pulled into defensiveness • Why it’s not your job to manage your partner’s growth • What to do when your partner’s behavior hurts you—and they won’t acknowledge it If you’ve ever felt frustrated by a partner who won’t own their part in relationship struggles, this episode offers clear, compassionate guidance for finding your voice, setting boundaries, and letting go of what isn’t yours to carry. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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I grew up with constant fighting. Now I shut down during conflict. How can I work through this?
06/04/2025
I grew up with constant fighting. Now I shut down during conflict. How can I work through this?
What do you do when your body goes into shutdown mode during relationship conflict—especially when you want to do better but feel frozen in the moment? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who struggles to stay engaged during difficult conversations with his girlfriend: shutting down, freezing, and going blank under stress. Angela explores: • Why your nervous system may interpret conflict as danger • How the “freeze” response is a trauma-based form of protection • What it means to expand your “window of tolerance” in relationships • How to work with your body instead of against it • The power of taking pauses, communicating your capacity, and returning to hard conversations • Why avoiding conflict keeps you stuck—and how to build confidence over time If you’ve ever shut down in the middle of an argument and felt ashamed or overwhelmed, this episode offers grounded, compassionate insight into how to stay present, communicate better, and grow emotional resilience in your relationship. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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My spouse and I both have past trauma and poor communication skills. Is it possible to get better together?
04/27/2025
My spouse and I both have past trauma and poor communication skills. Is it possible to get better together?
Is it possible to heal old wounds and build a stronger relationship—even if both you and your partner have past trauma? What happens when one person is ready to grow, and the other is unsure? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener wondering whether it's possible for a struggling marriage to heal when both partners bring communication struggles and unhealed trauma into the relationship. Angela explores: How relationship patterns rooted in trauma often run on autopilot Why the first step toward change is gaining awareness of your own patterns How changing your part of the "dance" can influence your partner's responses Why you don’t have to wait for your partner to be equally committed in order to begin How relational healing starts with building emotional awareness, emotional literacy, and empathy What it really looks like to create healthier communication—and deeper connection—over time If you’ve ever wondered whether real change is possible—or how to move forward when you feel stuck in old patterns—this episode offers grounded, compassionate guidance for reclaiming hope and healing in love. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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How do I foster growth in my relationship without my partner’s help?
04/27/2025
How do I foster growth in my relationship without my partner’s help?
What do you do when you want to grow closer—and your partner keeps putting you off? Can you improve your relationship when your partner isn’t willing to work on communication? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who feels stuck: she keeps trying to have real conversations with her partner, but he avoids every attempt, leaving her feeling unheard, frustrated, and blamed for being “too emotional.” Angela explores: Why you can’t fix communication problems by working harder alone How avoidance and deflection create emotional stalemates Why learning to regulate your own emotions is key when your partner won’t engage How to stop waiting for “tomorrow” and focus on what you can control today The difference between trying to fix a partner—and choosing to grow yourself How to use relational data to decide what kind of relationship you really want If you’ve ever exhausted yourself trying to get your partner to talk—or wondered whether you’re asking for too much—this episode offers grounded, compassionate guidance for reclaiming your voice and your power. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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How do I stop being so defensive in my relationship?
04/27/2025
How do I stop being so defensive in my relationship?
Why is it so hard to stay open when your partner brings up something that’s bothering them? Why do even small criticisms feel like attacks—and how do you change that pattern? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who wants to learn how to stay present and listen when her partner shares concerns, instead of falling into automatic defensiveness. Angela explores: Why defensiveness often starts as a survival strategy in early relationships How our bodies react before our awareness can catch up Why honoring your defensive response is the first step toward change How past experiences of blame, criticism, and attack distort present-day conversations Practical ways to shift from reactivity to true responsiveness How learning to listen without defense can deepen intimacy and trust If you’ve ever wished you could hear your partner’s concerns without shutting down, lashing out, or feeling attacked, this episode offers grounded, trauma-informed guidance for creating real change in how you communicate. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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How do I let go of the hurt from being treated badly by someone I loved?
04/27/2025
How do I let go of the hurt from being treated badly by someone I loved?
How do you grieve a relationship that wasn’t all bad—but wasn’t good for you either? How do you heal when your heart is broken not just by loss, but by the way you were treated? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who asks how to release the grief and hurt of being treated badly by someone she deeply cared for. Angela explores: Why breakups after hurtful relationships trigger a unique and complicated grief How to hold space for both the good memories and the painful reality Why friends’ well-meaning support can sometimes deepen feelings of isolation How loss isn't just about the person—it’s also about grieving the dream of what could have been The importance of honoring your pain without minimizing your experience Why healing after betrayal requires deep tenderness toward your own heart If you've ever struggled to let go of a relationship that hurt you—or felt guilty for grieving someone who didn't treat you well—this episode offers gentle, grounded guidance for navigating the breakup grief process with compassion and clarity. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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How do I get over trust issues and stop ruining my relationships?
04/27/2025
How do I get over trust issues and stop ruining my relationships?
How do you stop sabotaging relationships when your trust issues keep getting in the way? Can you really learn to trust again after betrayal—or are you doomed to repeat the same painful patterns? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who is struggling with deep trust issues that continue to harm his relationships, even when he knows his fears aren’t based in reality. Angela explores: Why betrayal trauma rewires our ability to trust How fear and anxiety can masquerade as intuition Why seeking constant reassurance from a partner often backfires How old wounds shape the stories we tell ourselves in relationships Why anger and accusations often hide a deeper longing for closeness How to begin repairing your trust in yourself—and in healthy relationships If you've ever pushed someone away because of fear, or struggled to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety, this episode offers honest, trauma-informed guidance for breaking the cycle and building something new. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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I have complex trauma from childhood. How do I learn to love myself?
04/27/2025
I have complex trauma from childhood. How do I learn to love myself?
How do you begin to love yourself when you were never properly nurtured? What does healing look like when you feel like you don’t even know who you are? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener struggling with complex trauma from childhood—and the painful realization that self-love feels almost impossible. Angela explores: Why missing early nurturing makes it harder to know—and care for—yourself How childhood survival strategies often lead to codependent patterns in adulthood Why getting to know yourself is the first step in learning how to nurture yourself How to start small by noticing your preferences, needs, and emotional landscape Why rushing or pressuring yourself to “catch up” only deepens old wounds How self-discovery, patience, and kindness lay the foundation for true healing If you’ve ever felt lost inside your own life—or unsure how to begin building a relationship with yourself—this episode offers grounded, compassionate guidance for starting where you are. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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Why do people ghost after intimacy or conflict in relationships?
04/27/2025
Why do people ghost after intimacy or conflict in relationships?
Why do people suddenly disappear after a deep connection—or after a conflict? Is it about you, or about their own fears? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who asks why men often ghost after intimacy or when tensions arise. Angela explores: Why ghosting is often a fear-based response to vulnerability, not a personal rejection How trauma histories can make intimacy feel dangerous instead of safe Why conflict, even minor conflict, can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses in relationships How ghosting can function as a desperate attempt to regain emotional control Why the search for closure often leaves us stuck—and how to create it within ourselves How to move forward when someone leaves without explanation If you've ever been ghosted and found yourself endlessly questioning what went wrong—or blaming yourself—this episode offers grounded, compassionate insights to help you heal and move on. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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My partner became someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. How do I learn to trust again?
04/27/2025
My partner became someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. How do I learn to trust again?
How do you trust again—especially yourself—after betrayal by someone you loved? How do you move forward when the person you thought you knew becomes someone you don't even recognize? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who is struggling to heal after discovering years of infidelity and emotional abuse in her long-term relationship. Angela explores: Why rebuilding trust in yourself is the first—and most vital—step in healing after betrayal How and why we override early warning signs in relationships The role of self-blame and self-doubt in keeping us stuck after betrayal How to uncover the moments you knew something was wrong—and why noticing them now is empowering, not shameful How to gently rebuild your internal sense of knowing and self-trust Why healing is less about trusting others and more about trusting your own instincts If you’ve ever felt shattered by betrayal—or found yourself questioning whether you can trust yourself to love again—this episode offers practical, compassionate guidance for beginning again on stronger ground. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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How do I heal while I’m in a toxic relationship?
04/27/2025
How do I heal while I’m in a toxic relationship?
Is it possible to heal your heart while you're still stuck in a toxic relationship? Or do you have to get out before true healing can even begin? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who feels trapped—yearning to heal while still living with a partner who has caused deep emotional pain. Angela explores: Why survival mode and healing mode cannot happen at the same time How toxic relationships keep old wounds open, preventing real recovery Why letting go of trying to “earn” love is the first step toward freedom How facing reality (without self-blame) creates space for change Practical steps you can take now to lay the groundwork for healing—whether or not you’re ready to leave yet If you’ve ever felt stuck between your desire for healing and the reality of an unhealthy relationship, this episode offers grounded, compassionate guidance for finding your way toward a stronger future. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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My partner wants to separate. How do I save my marriage?
04/26/2025
My partner wants to separate. How do I save my marriage?
What can you do when your relationship feels like it’s slipping away—and you're just now realizing how much was broken? Can love be rebuilt after separation? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who is heartbroken over the possibility of losing his marriage. Now aware of communication issues he didn't fully understand before, he's asking how to become a better partner—and whether there’s any hope of saving the relationship. Angela explores: Why change has to start within, not with convincing your partner How separation often happens because one partner feels emotionally exhausted Why listening without defending yourself can open the only real door to repair The difference between “working harder” and “working differently” to rebuild trust Why trying to force or argue for the relationship often backfires How personal growth benefits you, whether or not the relationship ultimately survives If you’re trying to save a relationship on the brink—or simply wondering how to become a better partner even after heartbreak—this episode offers grounded, compassionate guidance for navigating one of love’s hardest moments. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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My wife doesn’t get along with my family. What do I do?
04/26/2025
My wife doesn’t get along with my family. What do I do?
What happens when the people you love don’t get along—and you're stuck in the middle? How do you honor your partner's feelings without betraying your family, or yourself? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who feels torn between his wife and his family during stressful holiday visits. His wife struggles with feeling disrespected by his mother and sister, but he’s spent years learning how to "go along to get along"—and now he's caught between them. Angela explores: Why “going along” with family dynamics sometimes masks deeper loyalty binds How unspoken family rules shape our reactions—and why your partner may resist them Why expecting a partner to adjust to unfair family patterns can create resentment How to recognize when keeping the peace comes at too high a cost Ways to honor your partner’s experience while maintaining family boundaries How healing involves learning to hold loyalty to yourself first If you’ve ever felt pulled between your partner and your family—or struggled with guilt about setting boundaries—this episode offers compassionate, clear-eyed guidance for navigating those painful dynamics. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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I can’t seem to move on from my vulnerable narcissist partner
04/26/2025
I can’t seem to move on from my vulnerable narcissist partner
Why is it so hard to move on from a toxic relationship, even when you know leaving was the right thing to do? And why does it feel like the person you left is still living rent-free in your mind? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who is struggling to move forward after an 11-year relationship with a vulnerable narcissist—even nine months after the breakup. Angela explores: Why moving on emotionally takes longer than we want it to How toxic dynamics leave deep imprints that healing must slowly unwind Why intrusive thoughts and memories are part of the healing—not signs of failure How time, distance, and self-compassion create space for real recovery What it really means to “move through” pain, not just "get over" it How to see painful memories as holding hidden wisdom for your future If you’re finding it hard to stop thinking about an ex who hurt you—or you feel frustrated with how long healing is taking—this episode offers honest, hopeful guidance to help you trust your own timing. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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How do I stop attracting unhealthy partners?
04/26/2025
How do I stop attracting unhealthy partners?
What makes a relationship truly healthy—and how do you recognize when it’s not? Is it about working harder, lowering your expectations, or something deeper? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who wonders how to stop attracting unhealthy partners and build real connection. Angela explores: Why you can’t “work harder” to make an unhealthy relationship healthy How to recognize the early signs of emotional unavailability or dismissiveness The difference between realistic relationship challenges and toxic dynamics Why healthy love feels different—and sometimes unfamiliar—after relational trauma How raising your standards (not lowering them) is key to finding lasting connection What it really means to be “good enough” in love If you’ve ever found yourself bending, shrinking, or overworking just to hold a relationship together—or doubted whether you deserve more—this episode offers powerful guidance for honoring your worth and choosing healthier love. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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Can I have a healthy relationship when I have unhealed trauma?
04/26/2025
Can I have a healthy relationship when I have unhealed trauma?
Can you have a healthy relationship while still healing from trauma? What does healing actually look like when you’re trying to build something real and lasting with someone else? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who wonders if it's possible to move forward in love after surviving an abusive relationship. Angela explores: Why trauma doesn’t just "disappear" before we start a new relationship How healing has two layers: what we can work through alone—and what only surfaces in relationship How intimacy naturally triggers old wounds that we can’t always predict Why connection, not isolation, is at the heart of healing relational trauma How to begin rebuilding self-respect, self-love, and emotional trust Why trauma responses feel like "autopilot" reactions—and how awareness begins to shift them If you've ever questioned whether you're "ready enough" for love—or worried that your past will always define you—this episode offers grounded, compassionate guidance for healing in real time. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more
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I'm afraid I'll be bored in a healthy relationship
04/26/2025
I'm afraid I'll be bored in a healthy relationship
What if a healthy relationship feels...boring? And what if that feeling is more about healing than about settling? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who worries that leaving behind the high-intensity rollercoaster of toxic relationships will mean giving up excitement and passion. Angela explores: Why toxic relationships feel thrilling—and why healthy ones can seem flat by comparison How emotional intensity can mask unresolved trauma Why healing your nervous system can change what “excitement” feels like How to re-sensitize yourself to the subtler joys of real connection What it means to move from surviving chaos to living fully in stability How healthy love opens the door to deeper, more lasting adventures If you’ve ever questioned whether healthy relationships are "enough," or feared losing the spark when you leave behind old patterns, this episode offers a fresh, honest, and hopeful perspective. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Read more at
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Doing what brings me joy makes my partner uncomfortable
04/26/2025
Doing what brings me joy makes my partner uncomfortable
Episode Title: Doing what brings me joy makes my partner uncomfortable Description: What do you do when your partner doesn't approve of something you love? How do you stay true to yourself—and your art—without feeling like you're betraying the relationship? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener whose husband struggles with her lifelong passion for burlesque dancing. Although he insists he supports her, his visible discomfort leaves her feeling like she's doing something wrong by pursuing what she loves. Angela explores: The difference between true betrayal and uncomfortable growth How inner conflicts in partners can show up in mixed signals Why early conversations in relationships don’t always predict future realities How to hold onto yourself while navigating a partner’s shifting emotions The importance of growing with your partner, not shrinking to make them comfortable If you’ve ever struggled with guilt around pursuing what lights you up—or wondered how to honor your joy while staying connected to your partner—this episode offers honest, grounded guidance for walking that delicate line. Join the conversation or leave a comment at Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
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How do I say I’m not ready to live together?
04/25/2025
How do I say I’m not ready to live together?
Episode Title: How do I say I’m not ready to live together? Description: What do you do when your partner is ready to move in together—and you're not? How do you communicate your needs without causing harm, and what role does past trauma play in shaping your readiness for deeper commitment? In this episode of Ask Angela: Relationship Advice for Love After Trauma, Angela Amias responds to a listener who feels pressured to move in with his girlfriend, even though he's still healing from the grief of losing a previous partner. Angela explores: How conflicting trauma histories show up in intimate relationships Why moving slowly can be an act of care, not avoidance How to express your boundaries around major steps like living together Why disappointment is a natural—and survivable—part of healthy relationships The importance of choosing what (and how much) to share about past trauma How emotional honesty builds stronger, more resilient connections If you’re navigating mismatched timelines in your relationship—or wondering how to talk about your trauma history without feeling exposed—this episode offers gentle, trauma-informed guidance for finding your way forward. ✑ Join the conversation or leave a comment at ✫ Because love after trauma takes a different kind of wisdom—and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
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