483-The Truth About Female Desire: Interview with Dr. Juli Slattery

If you’re a wife who loves God and loves your husband, but you’re wondering…

• Why don’t I want sex?

• Why does my husband want it more than I do?

• Am I broken for not desiring intimacy?

…you’re in the right place.

We want to remind you that you are not broken. You’re not alone. And God isn’t disappointed in you.

In this conversation, we sit down with the incredible Dr. Juli Slattery—clinical psychologist, author of 14 books, and founder of Authentic Intimacy—to talk about real struggles Christian wives face around intimacy, low desire, and how to walk toward healing with God’s help.

What Causes Low Sex Drive in Christian Wives?

This is one of the most common issues I hear from women: “My husband wants it more. I feel bad. I don’t know why I don’t want it. Help.”

Dr. Slattery shares that many wives don’t have a lower drive—just a different kind. Men typically have what’s called an initiating drive, while women often have a responsive drive. That means she doesn’t feel desire until after closeness begins. That’s normal!

But sometimes, low desire is more complex. Some deeper causes may include:

• Past sexual trauma (even from within marriage)

• Body image issues and insecurity

• Pain during sex or hormonal changes (like menopause)

• A lack of emotional safety or unresolved conflict

• Shame from upbringing or purity culture

• Misunderstandings about what sex is really for

Often, it’s not one thing—it’s several.

That’s why this isn’t a quick fix. It’s a journey of healing and understanding. And most importantly—it’s not your fault.

What Does God Say About Sex in Marriage?

We often assume a great sex life just means “compatibility.” But as Juli beautifully shared: “Great sex isn’t about compatibility. It’s about growing in unselfish love.”

And that’s biblical.

God designed marriage and sexual intimacy to reflect His covenant love: faithful, intimate, sacrificial, and joy-filled. When we chase after that picture—His heart for sex—it brings healing, safety, and even delight.

Here are the 4 pillars of covenant sex that Juli teaches:

1. Faithfulness – Can your spouse trust you emotionally and physically?

2. Intimate Fellowship – Are you open with each other in heart and spirit?

3. Sacrificial Love – Are you serving each other instead of demanding?

4. Passionate Celebration – Is sex a space for joy and rejoicing?

“I Want to Want Sex… But I Don’t.” What Should I Do?

If that’s your heart cry, there’s hope. Juli and I walked through several gentle, practical steps to help you move forward:

1. Pray—Every Day

Invite God into this part of your life. Juli prayed for months before even telling her husband. God cares. He will meet you here.

2. Start with What You Do Want

Maybe you don’t want intercourse—but you’d like to cuddle. Or feel safe naked. Or be able to enjoy touch again. That’s a great start.

3. Change the Inner Narrative

Rather than thinking, “I have to,” begin gently rehearsing, “I want to enjoy closeness. I want to connect with the man I love.”

4. Use Physical Support

Tools like organic lubricants, non-intercourse intimacy, or vibrators (with agreement) can be helpful. Give yourself permission to explore.

5. Communicate with Your Husband

If he’s safe, loving, and kind—invite him into this healing journey with you. Let him support your heart, not just seek pleasure.

But Isn’t It Selfish to Focus So Much on Sex?

That’s a valid concern—especially for Christians. But here’s what Juli shared that really struck me: “God designed sex to bless both husband and wife. This isn’t just about serving him—it’s about your healing, too.”

Sex is not just physical. It’s emotional. Spiritual. It touches the most tender parts of our story.

If you’re avoiding it completely, it might be time to gently ask: What wounds need healing? What lies am I believing?

This is not about becoming a sex expert—it’s about becoming whole.

A Christian Wife’s Invitation to Intimacy

Whether you’ve been married 3 years or 30, God’s not done with this part of your journey.

Even if sex has been painful, shame-filled, or complicated… He can redeem it.

Even if you feel distant, numb, or uninterested… He can awaken new joy.

You’re not “less than.” You’re not “too late.” You’re not “too much.”

You’re beloved.
And intimacy can become a gift again.

Resources to Help You Begin

If today’s blog stirred something in you, we'd like to encourage you to take one step forward. God meets us there.

Listen in: Full Episode with Juli Slattery available here and on your favorite podcast streaming service
Explore: Juli’s Ministry – Authentic Intimacy
New Book (July 1): Surrendered Sexuality: How Knowing Jesus Changes Everything

For more information on our Coaching Programs: DelightYourMarriage.com

Final Thoughts

You're not alone.

God is in this with you.

Let Him lead. And let Him love you in this part of your story.

 

With love,

The DYM Team

 

PS - If you haven't checked out Dr. Juli's book yet, you can check it out here: God, Sex & Your Marriage 

PPS - For more information on our Coaching Programs, please visit our website. We would love to connect with you!