489-Harshness to Beautiful Kindness: Marriage Encouragement with Rhonda Stoppe

Marriage is one of the greatest blessings — and one of the greatest refining processes — we can experience. But if we're honest, many of us carry regrets when it comes to how we've treated our spouse, how we've handled conflict, or the words we've spoken in frustration.

We don't always recognize how often harshness sneaks into our marriage, chipping away at intimacy, connection, and joy. But here's the good news: God's love can heal, restore, and transform even the most regret-filled moments in your relationship.

In a recent conversation with author and speaker Rhonda Stoppe, we unpacked the profound truth of living with "no regrets" in marriage — and the practical steps to get there.

You Can Break Free From the Regrets Holding You Back

Let’s be honest — we’ve all made mistakes in marriage, in parenting, in life. Those regrets? They can paralyze us. Rhonda reminded us that regret is often a weapon the enemy uses to keep us from becoming the women God designed us to be.

But here’s the truth — God’s love washes those regrets away.

Philippians tells us to “forget what lies behind and strain toward what lies ahead.” Even Paul had to lay his past down — his role in Stephen's death, his persecution of believers — yet God still used him powerfully. The same is true for you.

Whether your regrets stem from the way you've treated your spouse, parenting mistakes, or deep wounds from your own upbringing, you are not disqualified from God's call on your life.

The Destructive Power of Harshness in Marriage

Rhonda unpacked something so practical yet so convicting: how often our inner thoughts turn harsh long before words ever leave our mouth.

Ever had the entire argument with your husband in your head before he even walked through the door? I’ve been there! You play out the "you always" or "you never" narrative and boom — your harsh words fly the second he steps inside.

But as Rhonda beautifully reminded us, love "believes all things" (1 Corinthians 13). That means believing the best about our spouse — assuming good intentions — not assigning negative motives.

Harshness can destroy intimacy faster than almost anything else. It pushes our husband away emotionally. It makes our home a place he — and even our children — dread coming back to.

The Courage to Repent: Humility Over Pride

This hit me hard. Rhonda shared how pride keeps so many people from growth. It’s painful to look back and realize we’ve done things wrong for so long. But friend, God already knows it all — and still loves you.

When we confess, repent, and humble ourselves before Him, He transforms us from the inside out. David's story is such an example. After his sin with Bathsheba, he didn’t make excuses. He repented with a broken, contrite heart — and God restored him.

If harshness, selfishness, or regret has gripped your heart, your story isn’t over. God offers freedom, but it starts with humility.

Are You a Harsh Spouse? How to Recognize & Change

Harshness is sneaky. Many of us don't even recognize when it's become part of our communication. Rhonda described it as trying to control or hurt with your words to get your way — whether out of fear, frustration, or habit.

Here are some signs of harshness in marriage:

• You regularly raise your voice or speak with a biting tone.

• Your family feels like they have to walk on eggshells around you.

• You replay your spouse's flaws in your mind more than their strengths.

• You assume negative motives for your spouse's actions.

If that’s you — take heart! You can change. It starts with repentance, inviting God's Spirit to wash over you, and intentionally building new habits.

Building a No-Regrets Marriage: Practical Next Steps

Rhonda didn’t just leave us with conviction — she gave such hopeful steps forward:

1. Get in the Word Daily
   God's Word renews your mind. Listen to scripture, write it out, feast on His promises like daily bread.

2. Find Godly Community
   You need women around you who love Jesus and will speak truth in love — especially older, wise women. (#OldLadiesKnowStuff — I love that!)

3. Choose to Believe the Best
   Make it a practice to assume good about your spouse. Remember how you did that when you were dating? Let’s bring that mindset back!

4. Apologize & Repair
   If your harshness has caused damage — humbly ask for forgiveness. Your vulnerability can open doors for healing, even if it takes time.

5. Cling to God's Love First
   Your happiness isn’t dependent on your husband's actions — it's rooted in how deeply you believe God's love for you.

The Legacy You Build Starts Today

I adored Rhonda's reminder that the home we build today — with love, forgiveness, humility — shapes our children's future marriages and their walk with God.

You don’t want to look back with regret because of harshness or pride.

But even if that's part of your story, God's grace offers a reset, starting today.

We are rooting for you! May God's kind heart move your own heart to kindness today.

God bless you!

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - If you'd like to check out more of Rhonda's resources (She's great, isn't she?!), podcast, and books, please visit her website: https://www.rhondastoppe.com/

PPS - If the thought of being 'the harsh spouse' made you tense up in defense ("That isn't me! Besides, I wouldn't be harsh if x, y, z...") or made you tear up knowing that it's true, we invite you to a book a free Clarity Call. Kindness, patience, gentleness, and love CAN be the first response. Your marriage does not have to be filled with criticism and harshness. Your home can be light and joyful. Let us help you. We'd love to chat: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate:
"Although on the surface, I would persuade myself I was ok, and that I was doing a good job as a husband, I knew deep down that something was wrong. My wife, though kindly and friendly (she is a lovely soul, who genuinely looks after my best interests), seemed apathetic to me at times, or unnecessarily critical...Completely unintentionally I had made my wife feel ignored, not attended to, and taken for granted… Communication was generally businesslike rather than affectionate. …As the program has gone on, huge strides have been made in our marriage. We now spend quality time together most meal times, we’ve started going out on dates again, we are much more playful than before and we enjoy being with each other. Most importantly, my wife has relaxed, she’s begun to trust me, and her true bubbly self is coming out into the open."