479: Ask David: Why do I obsess? Why do I have to be perfect? How can I share my feelings effectively?

Ask David

Why do I obsess?

Why do I have to be perfect?

How can I share my feelings
without oversharing?

The answers to today’s questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question.

Here are the questions for today’s podcast.

1. Zhang asks: I have intrusive daydreams and obsess about getting things perfect? What’s causing this? And what can I do?
2. Yevhen asks: How can I use “I Feel” Statements without oversharing?

But first, we start today’s podcast with a comment from Susan, one of our podcast fans. She extends our discussion of whether friendship is more of a human “need” or a human “want.” She describes her work with Dr. Daniel Herman, a Level 4 certified TEAM CBT therapist.

Hi Rhonda, Matt, and David,

First, I wanted to say I am so glad sweet Rhonda is feeling better. This is wonderful news!

I have been a fan of Dr. Burns books for 10+ years and of the podcast for 3 years.

I just finished listening to podcast #469 on friendship and felt compelled to share my story as it relates to Team CBT. Three years ago, my 23 year-old son entered a 90 day inpatient rehabilitation center for a marijuana addiction followed by 1 1/2 years in a sober living facility. Six months into his recovery, I reached out to Dr. Daniel Hermann, a Team CBT level 4 therapist.

At that time, my son’s progress had been steady yet I was still suffering greatly. One of many thoughts that contributed to my suffering was that my friends couldn’t understand what I was going through. Although I have been fortunate to have had many wonderful friendships for 30+ years,

Although I was open with my friends about my struggles, I generally didn’t feel they understood what I was going through and I felt isolated. Fortunately, Dr. Herman did not try to convince me that I “needed” these friendships or to be understood to “get through” this difficult time. Instead, he helped me to look at the situation realistically, without distortions.

My positive reframe regarding my friends was “I wish I could have felt closer to my friends during this difficult time. However, there are many ways in which I have supported myself and I have found other outside sources of comfort also.”

I made a very detailed list of the myriad of ways I had supported myself which brought me great comfort and empowerment. I was able to accept that I wasn’t feeling as close to my friends as I would have liked, without blaming them or myself. I also let go of my belief that my friends “should” have been able to empathize better with what I was going through. I learned that although I truly value these friendships, if I expect them to mean everything to me in every situation, I will be setting myself up for a lot of suffering.

I am so happy that sweet Rhonda had those strong friendships to help her during such a dark time. She is very fortunate! Since Rhonda had a change of heart during the podcast, the following comments are based on her beliefs at the beginning of the podcast: that the support of her friends is a need and that she could not have “gotten through” her treatments without it.

Did Rhonda mean that she would have not sought cancer treatment, the treatments would have been ineffective, or that she would have ended her life without the support of her friends? Would she have told a client of hers in a similar situation that she needed to focus all her time and effort on developing meaningful friendships rather than treating her cancer because friendship was the true need?

Obviously, I don’t believe she would have and am glad that she had a change of heart regarding this belief.

Thank you all for your wonderful podcasts!

Susan

The point I was trying to make is that Dr. Hermann himself did not appear to believe in these self-defeating beliefs, contrary to public opinion. This was essential to me coming to the same conclusions. (To be clear, he NEVER told me what to believe lol. I was paying him but I did all the work! Frustrating at times but coming to my own conclusions was the only way to internalize these messages.)

1. Zhang asks: I have intrusive daydreams and obsess about getting things perfect? What’s causing this? And what can I do?

Dear Dr. Burns,

Thank you so much for your kind and prompt reply. I truly appreciate you taking the time to direct me to the additional resources on your website—I have found them and am already finding them very helpful.

Please accept my sincere apologies for the delay in responding. The beginning of the new semester has kept me quite occupied, and I have only now found a moment to write to you properly.

I am writing to you again because I have been struggling with some persistent challenges and was hoping I might ask for your guidance. Lately, I often find myself distracted by vivid, intrusive daydreams—I create elaborate imaginary stories or visualize worst-case scenarios, such as natural disasters. In addition, I have developed what feels like an obsessive need to keep my books in perfect condition. Even minor wear causes me significant anxiety, and I find it difficult to stop thinking about it if I cannot repair the damage.

These thoughts and behaviors are beginning to affect my daily life, and I was wondering if you might have any advice or suggested resources that could help me better understand and manage them.

Thank you once again for your generosity and support. Your work has already made a profound difference in my life.

Warm regards,

Zhang

 David’s response

Thanks, Zhang.

There are many methods and ideas in When Panic Attacks, my book on anxiety. In particular, the Hidden Emotion Technique might interest you. If you are in the US, there is a class on it in the Feeling Great app, which is free until the end of September, so move fast.

Also, I would like to include this as an Ask David, if that’s okay. Can use your first name, or a fake name.

Best, david

 

2. Yevhen asks: How can I use “I Feel” Statements without oversharing?

Hello Dr. Burns, Rhonda, and Matt,

I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude for the remarkable work you’re doing in the field of TEAM-CBT. Your books and your voice of reason have been an immense help to me in some of the most difficult times. Dr Burns, I always feel amazed hearing your wisdom and patience each time you explain the concepts. Even those concepts that were explained before.

Additionally, thank you Dr Burns, Rhonda and Matt, for the exceptional Feeling Good podcast you host. Each new episode is a highlight of my week and nearly always offers profound insight and encouragement. On a lighter note, I sometimes play your podcast at night when I have trouble sleeping. It really helps me drift off within 20-30 minutes 😀

Rhonda, I admire your perseverance in the face of your illness. I wish you a smooth and speedy recovery.

Matt, I really appreciate all the cool insights you’re sharing and contributing to this podcast.

I’d love to ask you a couple of questions:

1)    When I meet new people, I tend to guide the conversation by asking relevant, open-ended questions. Something similar to the “TV host persona” you described in Feeling Great. The challenge is that I rarely share much about myself. This often leads my friends or partners to say that they hardly know me or that I keep personal matters private/do not share anything with them. How can I work on sharing more about myself without oversharing?

2)    I usually appear calm and some people even describe me as having a “poker face.” This sometimes leaves my partner/friends unsure how to read my reactions or feelings. Is there a way to become more comfortable showing emotions without forcing it?

3)    I’m not naturally confrontational, so in difficult situations or disagreements I usually choose flight over fight. This sometimes leaves me feeling like I missed something or haven’t explained my position/point of view. Is there anything I can do to develop a healthier balance in these moments?

I would be really grateful if you could answer any of these questions. Thank you again for your inspiring work!

Best regards

Yevhen M.

David’s reply

Thanks, will add this to the next Ask David list. In the meantime, we did a podcast on “I Feel” statements that you could find on my website, with many practical ideas.

You said you want to practice something new and asked: :”How can I work on sharing more about myself without oversharing?” That sounds like you want to practice pitching, in baseball, and want to make sure you throw all perfect pitches. This is not possible! You WILL over or under share at times, it’s a rule of the universe. Are you willing to learn by trial and error? And what are you the most afraid of?

On question #3, I never answer abstract, hypothetical questions, as you will know if you have followed my work. If you want help with this, write down one thing the other person said, (or might say), and what, exactly, you said next (or might say next.) This will provide a world of specific information that will contain the answer you’re looking for. But on a general level, as the Buddha said so many years ago, “don’t waste your time in worthless generalizations. Give me something specific and real, please!”

Best, david

Thanks for listening today!

Rhonda, Matt, and David