480: Ask David: Helping Someone Who's Suicidal; Worrying about My Daughter's Anxiety; Disarming Yourself

Am I Helping People Who Are Suicidal?

Should I Worry about My Daughter's Anxiety?

Disarming Yourself

The answers to today’s questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question.

Here are the questions for today’s podcast.

1. George asks: Would my approach help someone who is suicidal?
2. No Name asks: Do I need to worry about my daughter’s anxiety?
3. Jeffrey asks: Can you disarm yourself?

 

1. George asks: Would my approach help someone who is suicidal?

Dear David,

Please tell me if this is too close to medical or other protected advice, but I had a question about something I tell people who are sometimes struggling with suicidal ideation.

Throughout my life, I have had the thought "I don't want to be alive anymore" more times than I can count. But what I have come to realize over time is that this is just something my brain says when I'm upset; it doesn't really mean anything other than that. It's just a reaction to being very upset and that reframing helps me feel better about it, knowing that it's not a conviction but rather just how my brain expresses negative distress.

Multiple people have found this helpful, but I wonder if telling certain people this would be dismissive/triggering/etc. In a dangerous way?

Do you think I should stop sharing this experience?

George

David’s reply:

Hi George,

Thanks for asking. I will make this an Ask David question, if okay with you, using your first name or some other name if you prefer.

Short answer: to me, this is like giving advice, to my way of thinking, and I have spent the last 40 – 50 years indicating that this is NOT an approach that’s ever worked for me.

Can say more on the podcast.

Thanks!

Warmly, david

 

2. No Name asks: Do I need to worry about my daughter’s anxiety?

Dear Dr. Burns,

I am not very skilled at expressing how much you, Rhonda, the others and your work mean to me. So, I will just ask a question.

My daughter, who has a lot of anxiety issues told me that when she has a problem, she will purposely stew over it when trying to fall asleep so that she will wake up with an answer to the problem the next morning. I cringed. Is there any way that this is a safe or helpful paradoxical technique?

No name

David’s reply

Thanks, I’ll copy Rhonda. We are both grateful for your loving comments!

Rhonda, we can make this an ask David if you like for a podcast.

But short answer, at least, in my opinion, is that this is a cool way to use your brain. It is a skill. For example, I often get confused by a difficult statistics problem when analyzing data, and go to sleep confused. Nearly all the time, my brain wakes me up in the middle of the night with a brilliant answer. So, if she perceived is in a positive way, and isn’t disturbed, you could try nourishing it, as opposed to worrying about it!

We’ll see what Rhonda thinks.

Rhonda, I’ll add this great brief question to our list for Tuesday. I am reluctant to postpone the Ask David as when we’ve done this in the past, we’ve ended up never answer at least 20 to 30 questions which are now too old to put on a podcast. Those who asked may no longer even be alive it’s been so long!

Warmly, david

Rhonda’s reply

Thank you for this lovely feedback. It really means a lot to us. Your daughter is going through something so many of us experience. I am excited we can respond to your question on an Ask David podcast.

Warmly, Rhonda

3. Jeffrey asks: Can you disarm yourself?

Subject: Question about using disarming technique on oneself, and also it being used against you.

Endless gratitude to all of you for the pipeline of clarity and hope.

I was wondering if one can use disarming on oneself. Much of the focus in feeling good seems focused on looking for and challenging our distortions, which seems the opposite of disarming.

Maybe the reversal of agendas emphasized in feeling great is essentially putting the disarming back into the process in regards to ourselves.

I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

On a side note, if one is in a legal contention or divorce, I could see how disarming could be effective and pacifying, yet what if those admissions could be used against you.

David’s reply

I would like to include this in an Ask David podcast, with our first name or a fake name. Please advise if okay.

Short answer: the ideas and tools to treat individual mood problems, like depression, are the complete opposite of the ideas and tools to treat relationship problems. This is like matter and anti-matter. However, the Disarming Technique and the Acceptance Paradox connect these two opposed and radically different worlds. So, in a sense, you are right. The Acceptance Paradox is a lot like disarming yourself!

Best, david

Jeffry's reply to david

Thank you for the succinct response, and I look forward to hearing it fleshed out in the podcast.

I would be honored for you to mention my name: Jeffrey - from the outskirts of Jerusalem in Israel

And thank you to the whole team for keeping the best things in life for free (although I do hope everyone receives the funds they need).

Yet I feel converse maxim - "there's no free lunch" remains standing, app://resources/notifications.html

And that is, because, as you state over and over - anybody serious in improvement must pay the price; whether in completing the daily logs, or Burns assessment quizzes, or facing your fears, challenging your assumptions or fine-tuning one's communication skills, one interaction at a time.

The danger of apps, and screens in general, are the inherent passivity and superficiality they engender, so I am looking forward to seeing how this app overcomes that.

Lastly, you had sought feedback as to audience preferences for podcasts:

I think by now I and most regular listeners are clear in the general approaches of Team CBT, and how it differs from other schools and their adherents, so now I benefit most from the role playing to crystallize and internalize its application.

I would also be willing to forego multiple scenarios in each session in order to spend more time reiterating and clarifying individual scenarios - assuming that David, Rhonda, Matt, etc, have the willingness to keep going.

Keep on keeping us learning and laughing.

Jeffrey

David’s reply

Thanks for the kindly and thoughtful note. We’ll certainly try, but as you say, there’s no free lunch and no guarantees! We are sometimes just hanging on!

I like your recommendation for podcasts: more role playing I think to bring techniques and ideas to life.

Warmly, david

Thanks, for listening!

David and Rhonda