ADHD Open Space Podcast

The ADHD Open Space Podcast is for adult professionals living with ADHD and those who interact with them. We’ll talk about how it affects our work and those we care about. As the “open space’ implies, there is room to explore more, so feel free to leave suggestions and comments for each episode! The ADHD Open Space event will be January 20th, 2024 in Madison, WI. Registration opens December 1st at http://adhdopen.space!

adhdos.substack.com

Five Things You're Guaranteed to Get at the ADHD Open Space 12/16/2023

Five Things You're Guaranteed to Get at the ADHD Open Space Transcript: Welcome to the ADHD Open Space Podcast. My name is Gray Miller, and I will be your host and facilitator as we explore ideas, workarounds, accommodations, and other aspects of being a professional adult with ADHD. Most of this will come from my perspective as a cis white male in his mid-fifties living in the Midwest who found out a year ago that I've been living with ADHD my entire life. I am not an expert on ADHD, except maybe in not knowing I have had it for half a century and somehow still getting by. But I promise to cite my sources or at least admit when I'm repeating something I read on the interwebs. If I say anything you don't agree with, you're welcome to call me on it and let me know. This podcast is also part of the lead up into the first ADHD Open Space happening in Madison, Wisconsin, on January 20th, 2024. You can learn more about that event both here in the show, and at the website, ADHDopen.space. Enjoy the show. Hello and welcome back to the ADHD Open Space Podcast. This is the first podcast after National Podcast Post Month, which was November. And we succeeded in our goal of posting 30 different episodes about open space events and ADHD, different things about that, including a couple of interviews. Did I make all the interviews I wanted? Nope. Did I talk about all the stuff I wanted to talk about? Nope. Uh, but I did succeed in the goal of getting 30 posts up, which I think gives a pretty good body of knowledge. And I wanted to give it a, myself a little rest after that, uh, month long, you know, high pressure, have to get these things out kind of thing. And I also wanted to see if there was still interest and believe it or not, I'm still getting signups, even though I haven't really done much on the ADHD OS sub stack or podcast. That tells me that there are still people interested and so we are gonna continue I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I'm gonna make a schedule We're going to aim right now for every two weeks. If I do it more than that, then I hope you'll forgive me. And if I do it less than that, well, then that's probably a sign that I need to take things down a little bit. But in the meantime, I'm also happy to say this is the first podcast that I'm recording using a non-Adobe product. I have cut my ties with Adobe and I am going for some pay once and then use it forever kind of thing rather than software as a service. And we'll see how that works. If you notice any difference in the audio quality, please let me know. While I do have, I have a pinned on the site, the reasons why an open space is the just custom made for ADHD brains. I had a friend who he was we were talking about the fact that there's not been a whole lot of signups yet at the ADHD Open Space at the time of this recording. That again, the invites are mainly for people who kind of have trouble planning ahead. So we're still five weeks away. Of course, we're not going to have all the signups. Anyway, but he said, well, have you have you put it out there to, you know, the people who are more familiar with open space events? And I was like, who? I mean, if there if there's, if you look at two groups of people, and you have people that are familiar with open space events and how they work, and you have people who are familiar with or experiencing ADHD, the latter group is a lot bigger. But it also highlights why I need to Make sure that you understand when I talk about Open Space what you're being invited to. And one of the questions I get from people is like, well, okay, an Open Space event is an event where people show up and they put sessions on the board about things that are important to them at that moment. or, you know, things that have been important to them, but things that they really want to talk about during that day, which means we don't have a slate of certified, vetted speakers with lots of initials after their names. And if we don't have that, how can we actually be sure that what we're getting has any value to it? Now, I can go a whole lot of things about pedagogy, and I may actually even link in the show notes an article I wrote about the whole idea of why learning from your peers is often more effective than learning from experts, both in terms of pedagogy and that, especially when you're talking about things. Well, I would say you're talking about something just as general as productivity or things like that. But honestly, do you know where the first learn one, do one, teach one process actually was invented? It was invented at the Harvard Medical School Department of Surgery. It was a surgical training technique. Can you imagine the terror? Oh, don't worry about this, sir. It's just before you're going under. Don't worry. You know, I've, I've, I've, uh, learned how to do this and I've seen it happen once and, uh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Then you go under. Anyway, so the point is, is that, yes, I can say that peer led education is an amazing thing. And normally, I mean, for me, that would be enough, but it's not for everybody. And, you know, this is a ticketed event. The admission price is still the pre-sale price, which is $50. And that's to cover costs because we do have a few expenses for the space and things like that. But really the question becomes, you know, well, what, what am I, what am I paying for? What am I going to get? And I thought about it and I was able to come up with five things that you are guaranteed to get at the ADHD Open Space. Absolutely guaranteed. First thing, lunch. Lunch and snacks even. I have done a lot of open spaces. I have carefully cultivated a, menu and a shopping list of brain-friendly foods and various things that will keep people going. I accommodate vegetarian, gluten-free, and carnivorous things. I don't quite have the ability to make sure everything is vegan. However, I guarantee you that a lot of it will be vegan-friendly. So, you know, you'll definitely get that. Second, you will get access to space and time to ask the question, share the idea, or rant the rant that you've been wanting to do. a conversation for not other other stuff like that. You don't have those things going on that you really are invited to just think about that thing in the back of your head. Most people don't actually have that all the time. But this is a space where I am telling you, whatever it is that you've been thinking about, you can ask that in public, probably you'll have people wanting to talk to you about it. I have lots and lots and lots of times had somebody come up and say, well, you know, I want to talk about this thing, but I don't think anybody else is going to want to talk about it. And I always tell them, hey, you know what? You may be right, but just put it up there anyway, just in case. And what almost always happens is that three people, five people, 10 people, 20 people end up getting together and going, oh my God, I thought I was the only one. And they talk about this thing. Now, even if it's only three people, think about having three people that you can sit and talk for as long as you want to about this idea, this question, this thing that you're concerned about, because they feel that way too. That is a really exciting thing. I love to see it happen. Now, I do say almost all the time, because there is exactly one time that I had someone at an open space. He came up and he proposed something and nobody showed up to his class. And I felt bad for him. I saw him. He went to the area that had been set aside and he was sitting there and he was writing in his book. And I'm like, oh, man, I feel so bad for him that, you know, nobody showed up to a session. This is the first time this has ever happened. Did I Fail as a Facilitator? So I went over and I said, Hey, hey, dude, you know, I'm sorry nobody showed up for your recession. I mean, you don't have to keep it going if you don't want to. And he looked up from his notes and his eyes were just shining with excitement. He's like, Oh, man, I've got like three pages of notes written already. This is great. I have this time and this space I could do this. He was he was off. He loved it. So even if nobody shows up, you get that time for yourself, and that is absolutely guaranteed you will get that if you choose to take it. The second thing you get is that you get another place set aside, and we call this the introvert's corner. Now the introvert's corner is because there is a whole lot going on in an open space. A whole lot of stuff goes on. You know, you see lots of people doing different things. It's very exciting, and it can use up your spoons kind of quick. Hey, even if you're enjoying yourself, you still can get a little tired and you need a little time out. But you don't necessarily want to just leave the group. So the introvert's corner is pretty simple thing. It's got a couple comfy chairs. It's very clearly labeled introvert's corner. And the rule is, is that if you're in the introvert's corner, or you see somebody in the introvert's corner, you don't talk to them. You don't talk. You just you don't you don't wave at them. You don't wake at them. You don't smile at them. You just leave them alone. It's a space where they can just be alone and not feel the need to engage with people. Sometimes I put coloring sheets there. I put, you know, little, you know, you can sit there and read. The only thing you can't do is you can't talk to somebody else in the interridge corner. And I also keep it in a space where you can still see the rest of the event going on. You don't have to shut yourself off from the event. You can basically be alone and with everybody else at the same time. And so the introvert's corner has been a really, I should add the introvert's corner is the only thing that I have changed from the original Open Space framework. And the reason I changed it is because I didn't. That was actually set up by an attendee in Seattle at the Seattle Open Space. ... /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/29260348

ADHD: The Scattering 11/30/2023

ADHD in Relationships: Interview with my partner, Natasha 11/12/2023

How My ADHD Brain Created a Nightmare of Social Anxiety 11/12/2023

How My ADHD Brain Created a Nightmare of Social Anxiety After my diagnosis, even my dreams make more sense. Sort of. Note: all people mentioned in this article are fictitious constructs of my subconscious brain. Even the one who is real. Since my relatively recent diagnosis, I’ve been immersing myself in research, anecdotes, podcasts, videos, and social media related to adult ADHD. It’s been quite the revelatory experience, as my perspective of the last fifty or so years of my life changes with this new lens turned on myself. Last night all that knowledge finally seeped into my subconscious and I had what I suspect will only be the first of many ADHD dreams. Or nightmare, really. This is not fiction or allegory. This is exactly the experience that played out in my dream, no elaboration, just description. See if you can pick out which particular ADHD symptoms my brain explores as we visit Morpheus’ demesne… It started with me traveling. I got off a train to Chicago, dressed casually in jeans and a button-down shirt. I had the distinct feeling that I had arrived later than expected, and that I’d missed some connection and was going to have to find someplace to crash that night. Not a lot of stress, because I have many friends in Chicago with whom I’ve crashed in the past. But definitely some why didn’t you plan this better? angst going on. I decided to go into a convenient dream-coffeeshop and figure out what to do next. Then I met this woman. She was young, smart, friendly, and she introduced herself from the other table in the cafe and struck up a mildly flirty conversation. When I was younger this might have led to me asking her out in an ethically non-monogamous way, but in the dream it seemed more like a friendly pity-flirt that’s more and more common as my hair goes gray. Still, we got along well, and ended up chatting and walking around the beautiful summer Chicago market my dream had created. Then I realized: my pants were on backwards. I didn’t know how I’d managed to do it, but the zipper was in back and the ass was in front and I laughed it off because haha, isn’t that funny while inwardly (ok, it’s a dream, I guess it’s all inwardly) I felt a rush of embarrassment. How long have I been walking around in public with my pants on backwards? Luckily, we were near my ex’s apartment. My ex-girlfriend is the only real person with a role in this dream. She does not actually live in Chicago. No idea why my brain chose her (out of an embarrassingly large number of choices) but with that particular logic that dreams have I knew that we were near her apartment, and that she was out of town, and even though I’ve not spoken to her in years she wouldn’t mind if I stepped in briefly and fixed my pants. The young woman and I went into the walk-up, still talking all friendly-like. I turned my pants around, but then something weird happened. I know, I know: “Then it got weird?” But up until this point, this was simply a very vivid but also completely plausible dream. Until the suspenders* showed up. As I’d put on my jeans, I noticed on the floor a pair of suspenders that obviously belonged to me — they had a kind of yellow-and-purple pattern on them. What was weird was that I didn’t remember wearing suspenders. Have I been wearing suspenders this whole day? I thought I was wearing a belt. I shrugged and put them on, with my new friend helping me attach them in the back. That’s when my ex opened the door. Apparently she hadn’t been as out-of-town as my subconscious had led me to believe. She and her husband (she does have an actual husband, but this one was fictional because I’ve never met him. My brain made him up.) came in the door and were, to put it mildly, a bit surprised to see me standing there with half-fastened suspenders next to a young woman. I put on the cheeriest smile I could. “Hi!” I said. “You’re home! Hopefully it’s ok, I had to stop in and fix a quick wardrobe malfunction.” I remember chuckling in my dream, feeling incredibly embarrassed. My ex, though, has always been gracious, and she just kind of shook her head (”Oh, that’s so like Gray” her expression seemed to say) as she and her husband took of their coats. Then things got worse. I realized I was wearing her shorts** Looking down, instead of wearing my jeans, I realized I’d put on a pair of jean shorts that must have belonged to her. Suddenly I noticed, draped over the chair next to me, my jeans — complete with the belt I thought I’d imagined. I looked more closely at the suspenders, and realized that the purple designs on them were not what I thought. “Huh,” I said, embarrassed even more. “Looks like I accidentally put on your shorts and suspenders***.” I tried to think of something more, but the awkwardness was huge. “Oops…” Did I mention my ex has always been gracious? She just shook her head again, glanced at her husband (quite a handsome man, incidentally, very Cary-Grantesque) and said “So, who would like some tea?” I laughed. “You’re not English. Do you actually want to have tea with us, or are you simply trying to get past my embarrassment?” She gave me a look. “I said, who would like some tea?” Without waiting for a reply, she went into the kitchen. I turned to check on my new friend, who was sitting on the couch with her knees drawn up to her chest, looking sad. And that’s when things got mortifying. I could not remember her name. I realized that the entire exchange with my ex and her husband had gone by without me introducing her. I realized that I needed to fix that, fast, lest I end up being that guy. Not just the genus that guy — the particular species of that older guy who hangs out with a woman half his age but can’t even remember her name.” I live in mortal fear of being that guy. In my dream, I tried hard to remember how she’d introduced herself in that imaginary coffee-house. My brain did not let me. Haha! it said. “She definitely told you her name, and you’ll remember it sometime later, but right now, when you really need to introduce her to your ex whose apartment you broke into and whose clothes you mistook for your own? YOU DON’T GET THE NAME.” I woke up in a cold sweat. What really sucks is that I got all the feelings. I laid there in the early morning dark with that hollow feeling of fear and social anxiety in my chest and ears. It took me a while to realize that I hadn’t actually done any of those things — I hadn’t been late on the train, hadn’t worn my jeans backwards, hadn’t snagged my ex’s short trousers and braces****. It took me a while to get over it, though, because amygdala don’t give a $#@% if it’s a dream or real, it’s gonna pump those chemicals into your brain bag regardless. It took the most time to stop my brain obsessing about I have to remember her name. I know, in the dream, that I heard it, back in the coffeeshop. I know there was a name for this imaginary person. But I have no idea what it was. And it’s just as frustrating as real life, except more so, because there’s an added-on you’re getting upset about something that didn’t happen and someone that doesn’t exist. But hey, at least I got a fun little article out of it. Try writing a dream like that, ChatGPT! None of the things in the dream were outlandish. I’ve either done the things in the dream or things like them for my whole life. Especially the mortification of forgetting the name of a person you like. So there is no moral, no point, no lesson to be learned. I just wanted to write about my dream. Except, maybe… My brain has a lot of weird creative tangents.***** And along with that comes some time blindness, short term memory loss, inattention, and a lot of potentially embarrassing moments when I will have to simply accept that I did or didn’t do something the way people expect. That doesn’t mean I’m broken, or that guy. I just have to take the bad with the good. It is my brain. Might as well make the best of it. * braces, for my English readers. Stop giggling. ** Dammit, Brits, I mean “short trousers.” STOP GIGGLING. *** Fine, I give up. Laugh all you want. I’m basically dreaming an episode of Miranda. **** There, are you happy now? ***** For example, a strange obsession with asterisks and my possibly nonexistent British readers. /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/30026933

The Dangerously Addictive Law of Mobility 11/11/2023

The Dangerously Addictive Law of Mobility Made for Open Space. But tempting for the world... Here's the thing about Open Space: aside from providing people with the oppor- tunity to share the things they're passionate about, it also provides them with an op- portunity to be responsible. That one law I mentioned? It's known as "The Law of Mobility", and it is pretty simply expressed: If you are not benefiting from or contributing to whatever's going on in front of you, move somewhere you can. Note that it's not called "the opportunity of mobility" or "the you-might-want-to of mobility." It's the Law. It's the only law - as I pointed out, there's various interpretations of the principles, but the Law of Mobility applies equally to everyone. Even the person leading the session can use it: "Y'know, I thought this was a good topic for discussion, but I don't really feel it anymore. Let's do something else." Think about it for a moment: what does an entire event run on the Law of Mobility mean? As the session leader, it means that if people are listening to you, they absolutely want to be there. You're not filler, you're not the least boring speaker in a time slot - you are showing that you care about your subject by virtue of being there talking about it, and the people who are there with you also care, or else they wouldn't be. If someone does leave, that's got to be for one reason only: they have something more im- portant to do. Why would you want to begrudge them that? Take credit for inspiring them to do something they feel passionate about! There's another benefit: the Law of Two Feet does not suffer fools for long. If someone is just going through the motions, or regurgitating stale material, or speaking from a position of arrogance rather than authenticity - the crowd knows. I've seen groups gather, start listening, and then, bit by bit, fade away. Meanwhile the person presenting - never a novice, just someone used to having a captive audience - grows wild-eyed in desperation. Their material is being held to a higher standard: rather than relying on titles or reputations or even theatricality, the attendees demand that you be relevant now. I've heard of people who, after attending an open space event, choose to exercise the Law of Mobility at a traditional convention — much to the consternation of the "vetted" presenters. Reportedly one presenter was so vexed by this pattern, they asked if they could lock the doors after they started speaking, to prevent people from leaving. Thankfully, fire codes prevailed, and that particular presenter was simply forced to level up his game to keep the crowd. The four principles are guidelines. They can be malleable. But the Law of Mobility is essential. It keeps people mindful of what they are doing, what they are saying, and makes sure that the day stays interesting, relevant, and dynamic. * Note: Harrison Owen originally called this “the Law of Two Feet” but I can only imagine that is because he never had to explain it to someone sitting in a wheelchair with only one foot, grinning at your awkwardness as you realized the ableism inherent in the system. I did have to do that, and never used that phrase again. Serendipity Labs Logo Tagline Registered Trademark The ADHD Open Space is made possible through a partnership with Serenity Labs private office and coworking spaces, throughout the U.S. and in the U.K. as well! /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/30026918

The Four Principles of Open Space 11/10/2023

The Four Principles of Open Space Whoever. Whatever. Whenever. It’s Over. That’s what makes it all work. My elevator pitch on Open Space goes something like this: “You know how regular conventions give you a program that tells you who’s going to talk, what they’re going to talk about, and exactly how long they’re going to let you think about it before they’ll stop talking? Open space is the opposite of that. People show up, and we ask them “What do you want to talk about right now? How long do you need?” And then we give them that space.” I’ve found it works pretty well, but some people still get a whiff of anarchy about it. One person put it politely: “So…it’s like a study hall?” So the elevator pitch is still a work in progress, and meanwhile I can talk about the Four Principles that make the whole thing magic. 1. Whoever shows up are the right people. There is no slate of presenters at an Open Space. Professionals who deal with ADHD folks might show up (I’d be surprised if they didn’t). Sometimes even Big Names show up - I’d be delighted if showed up arm-in-arm with Ned Hallowell! But if they did, I’d emphasize to them that unlike the other conventions they speak at, in an Open Space they are not expected to do anything more (or less) than anyone else. They can think of this as a vacation, or, if they prefer, an opportunity. Suddenly they have the chance to present on that weird topic that’s been in the back of their mind, or even (OMG!) just be participants at an event! Meanwhile, people who have wanted a chance to present an idea or pose a question for the group get the opportunity in a cooperative, low-pressure and supportive environment. 2. Whenever it starts is the right time. I started doing Open Spaces about fifteen years before I learned I had ADHD, so now I understand why this principle was always my favorite. There will be a definite start time for the ADHDOS, probably 9 or 10am. That’s when everyone meets and plans the day’s agenda (more on that later). There will also be a closing circle, probably about 5pm, where we come together and close out the day. Aside from that? There is no fixed schedule. There are 30 minute blocks set up across the top of the agenda wall — but those are guideposts, not rules. People are not forced to either fill or cut short their presentations to fit. Instead, they guesstimate how long they think they’ll need, and they start their session when they are ready. If that’s the time they picked, cool — but if they’re immersed in some other conversation at that time, I let them decide what their priority is. Want to start it later? Fine. Want to cancel it, or let it happen without you? Also fine. My job as a facilitator is simply to give them that choice, and let everyone else know about it. Usually that means a lot of shuffling taped pieces of paper and moving the “NOW-ish” sign. It makes the day into a fluid, exciting, and unique learning environment. 3. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have. Remember how I said at the beginning there is no agenda? There really is no agenda. So if no one decides to put up a session — nothing will happen. Now, that’s never happened, in well over a hundred open space events. But it’s still worth reminding the attendees: they have a measure of responsibility that is different than most conferences. It also means that if, after the open space, there is something you wish would have been discussed, covered, explored - you have no one to blame but yourself. 3. When it’s over, it’s over This is the other half of that second principle. Remember how those half-hour blocks are just guideposts? If a class topic takes 15 minutes to cover, take that 15 minutes and do something else. If it takes 5 minutes, it takes 5 minutes. We don’t ask you to fill time if you’re done. If, on the other hand, a discussion needs 4 hours to adequately cover (which is rare, but has happened) then we make that time available. That’s another part of my job as a facilitator — you may need to move the session to a different place, but you can keep doing it until you decide it’s done. This principle also reminds us that everything does have an end, including the availability of an open space location. We do call everyone together at the end of the time in the space to have a “closing circle.” Open space attendees discover that a day filled with people sharing things that matter personally and passionately can be exhausting. We take a very short time to celebrate the unexpected connections and new friendships. Every Open Space is a unique combination of people, and a unique coming-together of knowledge and talents, that will never happen again. We choose to focus on the great and cool stuff that happens because of this, and not say “Damn, I wish such-and-such had happened!” In the end, it’s up to us. - the Author, somewhere at a past open space. That’s the four principles. Tomorrow I’ll talk about the one dangerously addictive and immensely fun Law of Open Space. /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/30026878

Why Open Space Events are Tailor-Made for People with ADHD 11/09/2023

Why Open Space Events are Tailor-Made for People with ADHD Including some thoughts on overcoming impostor syndrome as a professional. I actually wrote an entire article about this on October 25th, 2023, and posted it both to my Medium account and to the ADHD OpenSpace newsletter. What was funny to me is that a few days later on October 29th the threads account of simple. mindful.adhd (who I have enjoyed following). (And by the way, I am, I'm quoting them not through any endorsement on their part of my event. I just found what they said interesting because they are at a conference and they were sort of doing a play by play as they were at the conference, and they ended it by saying: "ADHD conferences are not created for people with ADHD. If they were, there would not be hours of back to back lectures each day. Do neurotypical people like this? It's so painful, at least to me. Where are the wiggle seats, the interactive presentations and discussion groups, the creative approaches, the demonstrated examples of different learning styles? I want more dynamic ADHD conferences.” Now, I, again, want to emphasize that they are not in any way endorsing my OpenSpace. It was just interesting to me that on the same day that I'm recording something about why I think OpenSpace events are better for people with ADHD is the same day that someone who's at a regular conference, an ADHD conference no less, comments about how the way the normal framework works is not designed for people with ADHD. So that honestly answers the first question I asked when I started this article, namely: “Why are you putting on the Open Space, Gray?” That question came to me today, and it’s a fair one. I wasn’t commissioned by any corporation, I’m not an ADHD professional (though I am a professional who has ADHD — gotta figure out that phrasing). I’m not selling any services, products, or affiliate anythings. As I said recently in my podcast intro, I’m not any kind of expert in ADHD — except maybe in that I spent half a century not knowing I had it. On the other hand, I can claim some expertise in Open Space events and facilitation. I ran well over 100 of them between 2007-2019, and trained people to run a dozen or so more. I traveled throughout North America and a couple of times on European tours, organizing them and then holding the space for the attendees, that ranged from 8 people to 450 people — and they all went well. People’s lives changed at these events — not because of me, but because it gave them the space to explore questions they couldn’t bring up anywhere else. Yes, but why? There are two reasons, really: One, since my diagnosis a little less than a year ago, ADHD has been the focus of most of my attention. Yes, it’s a bit clichéd, but anyone who has a diagnosis later in life I believe will understand. Suddenly so much of my life makes sense. If you weren’t late-diagnosed, or don’t have ADHD, I’ll just ask you to imagine your favorite hobby or pastime — football, quilting, skydiving, whatever. Now imagine that you’d done all the things involved in that hobby — gone to games, bought jerseys, followed players — without actually knowing the game existed. When you find out about the game, you tend to want to know as much as you can about it. Plus you suddenly understand why you were in Lambeau Field in the middle of a snowstorm. Not the best analogy, but it’s the best I can come up with at the moment (to be fair, I came up with two other ones before that, but I decided this was the best. I remember reading somewhere that ADHD folks also have a penchant for making analogies, but I can’t find a source). Number two is a more simple answer, and it’s best stated by a quote from Kieron Gillen, author of the graphic novel Die: What does not exist that I want to see? That’s really it. I’ve seen a lot of Open Space events; I now understand a lot more about ADHD and how people with it operate, as well as how it affects professional adults like myself. I’d like to see what happens when those two things get together. I suspect it’s going to be amazing. Yeah, but what if it isn’t? Well, there’s another aspect of this thing. I thought I knew exactly where my recurring negative self-talk comes from — a particularly strong influence during my childhood. It’s likely that there’s some ways it was exacerbated by certain ADHD traits — rejection sensitivity disorder and echolalia turn it into a cross between a schoolyard bully and an earworm. But about age sixteen I learned how to ignore it. Not through the means they usually prescribe. No affirmations, no positive psychology. Even the good old “Is it true?” question that tries to logic away self-doubt and paranoia doesn’t really work. I know that I have been proven wrong so many times, that the best I can ever answer to that is “Well, probably not, but maybe.” But there’s another step to that which has let me do many things that I would not otherwise have dared. Things that I’m proud of accomplishing, and things I’m proud of just having tried, even if they didn’t make me a millionaire. When that voice comes into my head saying What if no one comes to the Open Space? What if no one likes it? What if you fail, for the first time, to hold a space where people can share their passions and concerns and ideas? The answer is simple: So what? At least I tried. It’s not “do or do not.” It’s “Yeah? And so what?” We’re having an open space. I’m 99% sure it’s going to be awesome. But either way — I can’t wait to find out. I hope you feel that way too. Spoiler: it was! You can read the after-action report . /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/30026688

The Least Helpful Advice I’ve Ever Been Given About ADHD 11/08/2023

The Least Helpful Advice I’ve Ever Been Given About ADHD Please stop telling me my brain has a “Special Superpower." “I’m a fish in a forest.” I’m pretty sure at some point I’m going to make t-shirts with this statement. It’s my reaction to the oft-repeated “superpower” trope about ADHD. Here’s a bit of a rant…but I suspect it will resonate. TRANSCRIPT OF MAIN BODY There are two kinds of people when it comes to ADHD. On the one side, there are people like Dr. Russell Barkley, whose research has led him to call ADHD “the diabetes of the psychology”: It’s a chronic disorder that must be managed every day to prevent the secondary harms it’s going to cause… ADHD is the most treatable disorder in psychiatry…” And on the other side, people reject the idea that it’s a disorder at all. I’m not talking about the ableist idiots* who claim ADHD doesn’t exist at all. No, I’m talking about people like Thom Hartmann, a radio host and author of “ADHD: A Hunter in a Farmer’s World.” Their premise is that a brain that doesn’t process dopamine as efficiently gives a person very valuable skills. Can’t focus on what’s in front of you or sit still? That’s because your hunter ancestors were constantly scanning their environment, ready to leap into action when a threat or prey was spotted. And once the chase began, that hyper focus was really handy in running the potential food for ground. It’s a bias towards action, and in a hunter-gatherer society that was really useful! Not a disorder at all. They can both be right. I’m not enough of an academic to dispute either claim (though I do give the latter a bit of due to the evolutionary-psych aspects). I also very much appreciate the friends and readers who, when I first went public about my own experience, were quick to reassure me that there was nothing wrong with me at all. As one Medium comment put it, “ADHD sounds like it’s your super-power, dude…Because your brain’s wired differently you have the ability to add a different perspective to our consensusWorld as well as to Life-Its-Own-Self — one that might prove exceptionally valuable for some other person who’s also “neurodivergent” or whatever the guys in the white lab coats are now calling it…am wondering why you are not celebrating.” I appreciate that. I do! I understand the intent, and I have done it myself. For example, did you know that people who live with depression have a more accurate worldview than people without it? That’s a definite advantage over all those optimists — so cheer up! Depression is your super power! And it still sucks. More to the point, I can’t buy groceries or pay rent with my different perspective, no matter how much it has added to “Life-Its-Own-Self.” And my inability to keep track of what bills need to be paid when or remember to pick up my daughter from the mall before it closes is not “exceptionally valuable” to anyone. Personally, I do not find that particular reframe valuable. It echoes the “so much potential” and “you could be anything you want if you only apply yourself” tropes I grew up with. I can be anything I want, sure — except be a person without ADHD. Or, for a little over half a century, even a person who knew they had ADHD. Perhaps the easiest way to explain why I have a problem with this particular philosophy of ADHD is through the quote that is often cited in videos, articles, and discussions. It’s a quote which was almost certainly not from Albert Einstein: “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” There’s one big problem with that metaphor. I’m still a fish in a forest. I’ve been watching as my peers seem to effortlessly build treehouses, visit each others branches, amass beautiful leaf collections and talk about how they can’t wait to visit the canopy…while I’ve flopped and gasped and done the best I could with a hacked-together water tank strapped to my gills and mismatched shoes on my fins. If I sound frustrated, it’s simply because until recently, nobody told me I was a fish. Rest assured, most of the anger and resentment is self-directed; nor do I want to take away from anyone else whatever reframe helps them come to terms with their own experience of ADHD. For me, thought, the “ADHD is a superpower” philosophy feels like the Horatio Alger of psychology. It breaks what Jaclyn Paul (author of Order From Chaos) calls Rule #1: you must make peace with reality. We are fish in a forest where success is measured by what tree you live in. The ability to breathe underwater doesn’t mean much. It is, at best, a curiosity, a fairy tale vignette of success “against the odds.” What’s a guppie to do? I don’t really have the answer to that, though I appreciate that there are many, many people here and other places on the internet that are trying to figure it out. That, perhaps, is the first step. Pool our knowledge, if you will.** For better or worse, I live in the forest. The most useful thing right now is to find and build things that make it easier for me to do so. I do see the rare instances of pescatory glory there in the branches, and it is inspiring. But if this was a superpower, it would be easy. And it ain’t that. * an entirely unbiased and scientifically backed label** sorry not sorry. /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/30026573

From Now to Not-Now: ADHD and Temporal Discounting 11/07/2023

From Now to Not-Now: ADHD and Temporal Discounting The many ways professionals with ADHD find to externalize their executive function and get %$#@ done. TRANSCRIPT OF PODCAST “Hang on a minute,” my coworker said through the zoom. “I need to take care of this now, or it won’t get done.” I nodded and sat back in my office chair. “I get it. Let me know when you’re done.” The task was small, tedious, and crucial to the success of our upcoming fundraising campaign for the rape crisis center where we work. I’d mentioned it in passing as we were covering a different topic. Now it had interrupted the flow of the meeting, not even a third of the way down the agenda. As I doodled in my notebook, listening to the clicks of them typing through my laptop speaker, I wasn’t annoyed at all. Like me, my coworker deals with ADHD every moment of every day. Unlike me, they’ve known about it for most of their professional life, and this was how they compensated for time blindness: when a task was essential, it took priority, because they couldn’t trust their brain to take care of it later. That method worked for them; they are very good at their job. My own coping strategy had unconsciously developed decades ago, before I really even knew about ADHD in anyone. It takes the form of the little notebook I carry with me almost everywhere, full of little dashes for tasks needing to be done that turn into plus-signs when complete. Of course, my system relies on my ability to go back to the notebook on a regular basis and actually review my lists. My coworker, on the other hand, just gets shit done. I can’t say whose is better, but it occurred to me at that meeting that both of us were trying to deal with the same problem. No matter when it is, now you are. “For people with ADHD, life is either Now or Not Now…When projects are due in the future, we engage in temporal discounting: You know you need to get going on it, but there’s no sense of urgency and your mind focuses on other matters until the day before. Temporal discounting is no longer a factor when what was in the future is now. — If the term “temporal discounting” is new to you (it was to me) it basically goes back to that %$#@ marshmallow experiment. You know, the one where supposedly a child’s success in the future was determined by whether or not they could resist eating a marshmallow long enough for a second marshmallow to be delivered, or if they succumbed to the immediate gratification of eating it now. There are all kinds of problems with that study, starting with the fact that in 2018 when researchers tried to replicate it, …they did not see a significant correlation with how long kids had been able to wait and future success and performance…waiting only the first 20 seconds accounted for the majority of what was predicted about future academic achievement. Waiting longer than 20 seconds didn’t track with greater gains. — Another issue is that it’s more to do with the if a child doesn’t believe that the promised second marshmallow will ever be delivered, they are likely to go for the arguably smarter idea of one in the mouth is worth two in the nope, sorry, we’re all out of marshmallows. In some ways it feels like the entire rise of civilization is one marshmallow experiment after another: can you hold on to your resources long enough for them to be leveraged into something more? Take a look at the gleam in a financial planner’s eyes as they talk about the magic of compound interest. If I can keep from spending that money, put it in a savings account and wait, it will be worth more in the end. (I know, high inflation and low interest rates have kind of ruined that idea, but it used to be true). What if you don’t believe in “the end”? Or at least, can’t really intrinsically understand it? Then that money is just sitting there, doing nothing, and meanwhile the world is filled with stuff that I want! Mix in a little scarcity mentality, and you end up with a whole lot of paycheck-to-paycheck or, worse, robbing-Peter-to-pay-Paul monetary strategies. …research, commissioned by the digital bank Monzo and conducted by YouGov, found that those living with ADHD are four times more likely to frequently impulse-spend than those who do not have the condition. — Compound interest doesn’t just apply to money. Temporal discounting is like impulse buying, but with tasks rather than cash. When you can’t intuitively feel what task should have the highest priority or the most impact, all to-dos seem equal — which means that looking at a long list of them is like being in a supermarket: overwhelming choices, all clamoring for your attention. My co-worker was not giving in to an ADHD impulse when they decided to do that task in the middle of our meeting. They were using a tactic to counter it; experience had shown that when a task was labeled “important and essential”, the best way to make sure it got done was to do it now. Any other method, for them, was too much of a risk. My own strategy is demonstrably less effective at getting things done, because it relies on a combination of tactics and what ADHD researchers call “scaffolding.” What it comes down to — both with financial acumen and task management — is executive function, and that’s what we have trouble with. My personal mantra is a hybrid paraphrasing of Dr. Russell Barkley and fictional Martian astronaut Mark Watney: Executive function? I’m going to externalize the $#@% out of it! So when I hear that something is essential, unlike my coworker, I whip out my notebook and my multipen, selecting the red ink, and dash something off: do this later. But that’s dependent on a lot of things: I have to have my notebook ready. I have to have a pen as well (been burned by this before) I have to write the task both quickly and legibly, which is often a difficult combination. Most important: I have to have a time set aside to come back to my notebook and process that task. Oh, and then the task itself has to be actually done. That’s a whole lot of executive functioning going on inside that error-prone system, and if you’re wondering to yourself “why doesn’t he just remember to do it later? then you really need to — or at least understand that time you start a sentence with “why don’t they just-” it is a sign that your empathy needs some work. My strategy is more fragile than my co-worker’s just do it tactic, but it’s not necessarily better. We both go to the trouble of interrupting our meeting to make sure that the important task that we can’t trust to stay in our brains still gets done. The only slight advantage I can see to my system is that it doesn’t derail the flow of the meeting — but at the same time it’s got a lot of points of failure. It’s all tactics for the same strategy: escaping the tyranny of Now. Part of the reason I feel so seen and included now that I have my ADHD diagnosis is that finally my decades-long obsession with time management, scheduling techniques, and productivity hacks makes sense. While not all ADHD coping strategies are about escaping the tyranny of now, it’s a pretty high percentage. I would even argue that our trouble with time-blindness and the associated effects are the first symptom of ADHD we have to deal with — because otherwise we won’t have time to deal with any of the others. (Even as I write that, my brain is arguing What about emotional regulation? Don’t you have to be calm enough to take a look at your strategies in the first place? Maybe that’s another article. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments). Most of all, though, while the strategy may be universal, the tactics are personal. It’s not about finding the best productivity system or time-management app; it’s about finding the best one that works for you right now. And it’s especially important to have those last two words, because thanks to hedonic adaptation and a %$#@-ed up dopamine distribution system, the one that works today might not work tomorrow. There very well may come a meeting when I see my co-worker narrow their eyes, pick up a pen, and scribble something in their notebook, even while I’m opening up another window next to Zoom to take care of something now. It’s ok. We’ll still get %$#@ done. /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/30026513

ADHD Open Space - Professionals with ADHD Interview with Erotic Artist Nadia Vanilla 11/06/2023

The GrayDHD Drinking Game 11/03/2023

The GrayDHD Drinking Game Welcome to my somewhat unconventional journey through adulthood, peppered with the kind of ADHD moments that make you go, "Aha!" So, grab your favorite beverage (I would recommend coffee, the adulting juice, but you’d never sleep, so maybe try water?), and let's dive into the delightful chaos that has been my life. Every ADHD moment you spot is a reminder to take a drink — and that life is never dull! Chatterbox Kid Turned Chatty Adult It all started in a kindergarten class in New Jersey. I was the kid who couldn't stop talking, labeled with 'diarrhea of the mouth.' Little did I know, this was my first unofficial badge in the world of ADHD. Fast forward a few decades, and yes, I'm still the one public speaking both in meatspace an (of course) on podcasts, much to everyone's amusement (or dismay?). The Reading Rebel in the Classroom School days were a juggling act between being an avid reader and a somewhat attentive student. Books were my escape from the humdrum of regular classes. My teachers called it a distraction, I called it multitasking. Turns out, it was ADHD doing its thing. Home Life: A Series of Forgotten Chores Chores and I did not get along. It was that whole “attention to detail” thing. Sweep the stairs? Sure, I will - most of them, anyway. Do the laundry? I did! Except I might forget to move them from the washer to the dryer…for a few days. My parents' attempts to instill responsibility were met with my brain's unique approach to remembering tasks. It's not just forgetfulness; it's the ADHD brain's creative way of prioritizing (or not). The Procrastinating Potential in High School Oh, the high school years! A time when potential was my middle name, and procrastination was my game. Teachers saw a bright student who just needed to 'apply himself.' I saw a bunch of homework that paled in comparison to the more exciting things in life, especially after realizing how fun “study dates” could be. Spoiler alert: That was ADHD in stealth mode, and once it discovered the dopamine-mine that is sex, my grades were never the same. Juggling: More Than Just a Party Trick Juggling wasn't just a quirky hobby I found at age 14; I believe, in hindsight, it was a necessity. It kept my hands busy and my mind at peace - a perfect antidote to the ADHD restlessness. And let's not forget the sweet tooth that often accompanied my “study sessions”. Donuts, ice cream, and juggling balls - the unsung heroes of my ADHD journey. A Career Path Less Traveled From the heat of 29 Palms as a U.S. Marine to the grill of a Denny’s kitchen as a short-order cook to the spotlight of adult sex education conferences, my career path has been anything but ordinary. These weren't just random choices; they were the result of an ADHD brain seeking new and stimulating experiences at every turn. Embracing the ADHD Diagnosis It took a while, but the realization finally hit - all these quirks and unique choices were the workings of an ADHD mind. Understanding this has been like getting a manual to my brain, albeit a few decades late. So, there you have it - my not-so-linear path through the maze of adult ADHD. If you've managed to keep up then congrats! You’re well-hydrated, and I salute your adulting skills. Here's to embracing the chaos and finding the humor in life's unexpected ADHD moments. Keep tuning in for more tales and insights from an adult who's just figuring out the neurodivergent life. /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/29272593

Embracing the Journey: Reflections of a Neurodivergent Adult on Late-Diagnosed ADHD 11/02/2023

Embracing the Journey: Reflections of a Neurodivergent Adult on Late-Diagnosed ADHD Hello, I’m Gray Miller, and today, I want to share a personal reflection on being a professional adult who was late-diagnosed with ADHD. I’m a cis white male in my mid-fifties from the Midwest, and it was only a year ago (February of 2023) that I had it confirmed that I have been living with ADHD all my life. Rather than have an exact transcript of the podcast episode, this is a summary for the TL;DL crowd; this is based on an article originally published on Medium.com. I’ve written on many subjects, but I’m not an ADHD expert. Instead, I have half a century of experience in unknowingly navigating life with this condition — that’s expertise of a sort, right? The Reluctance to Write About ADHD: Despite having written on personal development, I find myself hesitant to write about ADHD. This reluctance stems from a mix of emotions: shame for not recognizing my own condition, anger for the years of misunderstanding, fear about the future, exhaustion from the ongoing struggle, and sadness for the impact on my family. As a footnote to the exhaustion, I recognize that ADHD, treatable but not curable, presents a lifelong journey of adaptation and self-acceptance. Five Personal Reflections on Late-Diagnosed ADHD: Shame: I have explored numerous self-development techniques, yet I missed recognizing my own ADHD. This oversight challenges my credibility as a writer in this field. Anger: The signs were always there, from early school records to my eclectic career path. Discovering these as textbook ADHD symptoms has been both revealing and frustrating. Fear: Accepting that ADHD is a permanent part of my life brings anxiety. The dream of a consistent, disciplined life feels unattainable, and the public acknowledgment of my condition raises concerns about societal perceptions and career impacts. Exhaustion: The constant search for systems and routines that accommodate my ADHD is tiring. The realization of this condition in mid-life adds to the fatigue, contrasting starkly with peers settling into stable, predictable lives. Sadness: The impact of my ADHD on my family, especially the genetic implications for my children and grandchildren, weighs heavily on me. There’s a profound sense of loss for what might have been had I been diagnosed and treated earlier. Writing about ADHD is challenging Not only because of the personal struggles it entails but also due to the societal stigmas surrounding it. Have I jinxed my work life forever by being open about my diagnosis? Am I alienating friends and family by talking about it so much? Maybe. But other people sharing their experiences has been crucial for me and other late-diagnosed adults like me. Discussing these challenges openly fosters understanding and support for all of us navigating life as neurodivergent adults. What do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts here in the comments, or email me at . Background music for this blog post is “Funny Days Together” by Background Music Lab from Pixabay.com. /episode/index/show/55f69af0-cfd2-4a80-a04d-3e886798dbef/id/29272308

The Reality of Neurodivergence: Knees Don’t Lie 11/02/2023

ADHD Open Space Podcast

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