When Do You Apologize?

Mark introduces the topic - apologizing. He says too many people are apologizing too often

Mark reads the definition

Jim counters with thinking it’s a trigger for him. He brings up a conversation he just had with a 30 something and how he said he was sorry over and over…to the point that it was totally inauthentic

He was regretting things he said and did

Mark agrees about authenticity being critical. He says too many people apologize for offending groups

Jim says “This not an excuse, it’s an explanation”. I’d like to explain what happened

The difference between an apology and an explanation

Mark says context is missing from conversation

Jim says you should save apologies for when you really mean them. When you’ve reflected and given thought to what you may have said or done

Mark says if the apology doesn’t feel difficult, then don’t do it. It needs to feel difficult

Jim ponders when to accept or not accept an apology. He is anticipating a call later today with a friend who is in an overwhelming state. This guy says sorry too much and Jim wonders whether to confront his friend or not. He wonders if h should let his friend “get away with it

Mark says it’s important to start off conversation on a positive note and then get candid, but with kindness

It’s approach and timing

Mark rereads the definition of apology. Definition number 3…excuses

Jim thinks apology is different than an explanation and different than an excuse

Jim appreciates when people take responsibility and also consider how to keep this same thing from happening again. An opportunity to get better

People that say sorry all the time are dangerous. Our word is everything. Our integrity

Jim thinks social media and technology have made communication m ore difficult…ironically

Mark talks about how many words have lost their meaning. Racism and Nazi and sorry

Jim recounts a Father’s Day event about the racism comment. He says,” tell me what you think that means”. Both guys agree that we need to be more careful with words and make sure both parties agree on the meaning of words before discussing them

Mark brings up patriarchy as another word being abused

Jim adds the word “literally’. Mark agrees it’s a “filler” word, unnecessary and irrelevant

He adds the accountability that’s missing in communication. You have to call out these abusers of words

Mark brings up the phrase “toxic masculinity” and how people want apologies for this too. Mark says “fuck that”

Mark talks about people in the public domain who are forced to apologize

Jim asks Mark to look up “dignity” and the guys both agree that apologizing without authenticity forces someone to give up his dignity

Mark brings up the leadership training he’s doing now and how much of an issue this apology thing is in corporate America. Jim agrees

Mark suggests that the person on the receiving end of the apology needs to call out inauthentic apology

Jim says there are situations when you just have to remain quiet or you’ll get “kicked out of the club”

Mark says it’s important to pick your spots. What am I going to gain from calling someone out?  You gotta read the room and you have to maintain your integrity

Give some thought to what you are trying to accomplish. Be authentic and work toward some type of benefit or progress

Jim says sometimes it’s tough to balance authenticity with empathy

Mark talks about people misinterpreting him and then brings up the exception of his two daughters. Jim calls him on it they have a laugh

Jim brings back up the importance of the meaning of words. Both guys agree that clarifying what a word or topic means before discussing it is critical for clarity

Mark goes back to his daughters and uses the word feminism as an example

Jim says the meaning of words can be generational. Mark agrees there is nuance to the meaning of certain words

Mark brings up Juneteenth and both guys have fun making fun

He says he sees a trend where we’re teaching people that being over sensitive makes you better person somehow

Both guys are put off by the victimhood connect to the apology issue

Mark says the media portrays a different world than the one he lives in

Jim talks about some of the things we can apologize to ourselves about

Mark thinks it’s more about forgiving yourself and then they put things in the context of career

The guys bring in the 5 areas of life from the wheel and Jim talks specifically about money

Jim also says that some people simply expect to be forgiven. They think they’ll get a “pass”

Both guys agree we should apologize less and pause to think before we apologize